In a new Pew Research study, 80% of parents say it’s more important for their kids to start careers and make money than it is to marry and start a family. That’s so the parents can finally collect rent while the kids live at home.

Classified U.S. Government documents were found at the Indiana home of Mike Pence, along with rare back issues of Playgirl magazine.

A Microsoft Cloud outage temporarily denied access to services like Microsoft Teams and Microsoft Outlook. Corporate workers called it “the most productive time I’ve had all year”.

Paris Hilton and husband Carter Reum announced the birth of their first baby. They wouldn’t say if the infant was delivered via surrogate, or if it actually checked out of a Hilton.

A&W Restaurants trolled the M&Ms ‘Spokescandy’ announcement, saying their mascot Rooty the Great Root Bear would wear jeans instead of no pants at all. This surprised Americans who didn’t know that A&W Restaurants still existed.

A passenger gave birth during an Emirates Air flight from Tokyo to Dubai. The baby cried, but then was pleased with the additional leg room.

Speaker of the House Kevin McCarthy controversially kicked two Democrats, Adam Schiff and Eric Swalwell, off the House Intelligence Committee. He’s considering appointing George Santos, who recently succeeded Superman as President of the Justice League of America.

Florida woman Lyndsey Kennedy, 43, had to be rescued after getting herself stuck in a storm drain for the third time in two years. Officials were left with no choice but to ban her from ‘It’s A Small World’ at Disney.

Dallas Cowboys quarterback Dak Prescott and his girlfriend of two years, Natalie Buffett, broke up. The split was already hard enough, but then Cowboys owner Jerry Jones called a press conference to criticize Prescott’s performance.

A 52-year-old Florida teacher resigned after she shared sexually explicit video calls with her prison-inmate boyfriend during school hours. For his part, the inmate received a certificate for perfect attendance in sessions with the teacher.

Paris Hilton married Carter Reum in Bel-Air. The Internet was temporarily broken due to the surge of “A Reum In Paris” jokes.

Lawyers for a Capitol rioter had to mute his microphone in court since he was audibly complaining about jail conditions, including medical care, food, and the lack of other hot-looking rioter-cellmates.

A McDonald’s worker shared a viral video about a 6,400 item order – 1,600 McDoubles, 1,600 McChickens, and 3,200 cookies – she had to prepare in just four hours. The total cost was $7,400, and Barron Trump still had a terrible birthday party.

Congress is mandating anti-drunk-driving technology for new cars, and multiple lawmakers said they plan to personally test how well it works during the next recess.

An Antarctic penguin made it to New Zealand, 2,000 miles from its home continent. A local man rescued the penguin, saying it was “tired, hungry, and swearing never to use Apple Maps again.”

The Wisconsin judge in the Kyle Rittenhouse trial was criticized for making a joke about Asian food delivered to the court, saying he hoped it wasn’t stuck on a freighter in California. “That’s my time” he then said before introducing the next judge.

Winter, a dolphin outfitted with a prosthetic tail, who was the inspiration for the film A Dolphin Tale, died at the Clearwater Marine Aquarium. Mourners shared their memories of Winter and her porpoise-driven life.

Johnson & Johnson will separate in to two companies – pharmaceuticals, and consumer products – each one a multi-billion-dollar Johnson.

Dwayne “the Rock” Johnson said the gyms he works out in are so dirty and old, he urinates in old plastic bottles because there aren’t any bathrooms. In other news, a dozen bodybuilders were sickened by bottled energy drinks at The Rock’s gym.

The death toll from Travis Scott’s Astroworld rose to nine people – matching the advance ticket sales from Color Me Badd’s upcoming Colorworld Festival.