In a new Pew Research study, 80% of parents say it’s more important for their kids to start careers and make money than it is to marry and start a family. That’s so the parents can finally collect rent while the kids live at home.

Classified U.S. Government documents were found at the Indiana home of Mike Pence, along with rare back issues of Playgirl magazine.

A Microsoft Cloud outage temporarily denied access to services like Microsoft Teams and Microsoft Outlook. Corporate workers called it “the most productive time I’ve had all year”.

Paris Hilton and husband Carter Reum announced the birth of their first baby. They wouldn’t say if the infant was delivered via surrogate, or if it actually checked out of a Hilton.

A&W Restaurants trolled the M&Ms ‘Spokescandy’ announcement, saying their mascot Rooty the Great Root Bear would wear jeans instead of no pants at all. This surprised Americans who didn’t know that A&W Restaurants still existed.

A passenger gave birth during an Emirates Air flight from Tokyo to Dubai. The baby cried, but then was pleased with the additional leg room.

Speaker of the House Kevin McCarthy controversially kicked two Democrats, Adam Schiff and Eric Swalwell, off the House Intelligence Committee. He’s considering appointing George Santos, who recently succeeded Superman as President of the Justice League of America.

Florida woman Lyndsey Kennedy, 43, had to be rescued after getting herself stuck in a storm drain for the third time in two years. Officials were left with no choice but to ban her from ‘It’s A Small World’ at Disney.

Dallas Cowboys quarterback Dak Prescott and his girlfriend of two years, Natalie Buffett, broke up. The split was already hard enough, but then Cowboys owner Jerry Jones called a press conference to criticize Prescott’s performance.

A 52-year-old Florida teacher resigned after she shared sexually explicit video calls with her prison-inmate boyfriend during school hours. For his part, the inmate received a certificate for perfect attendance in sessions with the teacher.

Ticketmaster’s Chief Financial Officer will testify before the U.S. Senate regarding the Taylor Swift ticketing fiasco. He will be required to stand for the duration of his testimony, unless he pays $199 plus fees for premium seating.

Republican Congressman George Santos took to Twitter to criticize the impressions of him by Bowen Yang on Saturday Night Live and Jon Lovitz on The Tonight Show. He particularly criticized Yang, since he wore a size 4 dress and Santos is at least a 14.

Four leaders of the Oath Keepers were found guilty of seditious conspiracy for their role planning the January 6th insurrection. They were also found guilty of lesser charges of underestimating attendance and running out of snacks.

Nominations for the 95th Academy Awards were released. Another year, another Academy Board of Governors Lifetime Achievement Award snub for Jim Varney.

M&Ms suspended the appearance of its talking cartoon Spokescandies in ads, and announced Maya Rudolph as their new Spokesperson. Werther’s Originals introduced their new Spokescandy, a non-verbal dementia patient.

Five years after his murder, a ‘surprise’ single from rapper XXXTentacion was released. As for other music, that single is likely the XXXtent of it.

The Sundance Film Festival debuted ‘Infinity Pool’, an NC-17 movie featuring cloning, orgies, executions and graphic male ejaculation. Audience polling was negative, but most patrons said it still beat having to sit through Aquaman 2.

Oreo Cookies newest offering is The Most Oreo Oreo – an Oreo cookie with bits of Oreo cookie wafers in the creme center. They recommend dunking it in milk that already has Oreos floating in it.

Frontman & founder Brandon Urie announced he’s breaking up his band, Panic! at the Disco now that he & his wife are expecting a baby. He also announced a future project Colic! at the Urie House.

Disney fans are selling water from the Splash Mountain ride at Disney World now that it’s being closed down and are asking $150/bottle. Nobody’s buying, but the Centers for Disease Control are offering to buy bottles of water from Disney resort pools.

Bill Cosby plans to tour in 2023, thanks to new sexual misconduct lawsuits in 23 different states.

Avatar: The Way of Water topped the $300 million mark in U.S. ticket sales. Thanks to moviegoers who couldn’t get into sold-out showings of Avatar, Brad Pitt/Margot Robbie flop Babylon topped $300.

Disney Theme Parks are reminding guests to show courtesy, following recent viral videos of brawls at Disney Parks. In other news, Mickey, Minnie, Cinderella and Snow White all earned their blue belts in jiu jitsu.

An Australian teen was hospitalized after swallowing a bluebottle jellyfish swimming at Bondi Beach. After removing it, doctors read the message in the bluebottle “Do Not Eat”.

A couple who replaced their toilet found the woman’s engagement ring she’d lost 21 years earlier lodged in it. For the last 21 years, she’s wiped with her right hand.

Kim Kardashian deleted a TikTok video of her two dogs after critics pointed out that they’re kept in her garage. However, her garage is 15,000 square feet with 4 bedrooms and 3 bathrooms.

A New York prosecutor is investigating Congressman-elect George Santos for lying about his work history, education, Jewish heritage, personal finances, and being born Gladys Sanders.

Economists say the majority of U.S. workers’ salaries will not keep up with inflation. Asked why, the economists confirmed that most people’s jobs really do suck.

A California woman’s Find My iPhone feature was used to locate her after she drove off a highway and plummeted 200 feet. She survived and was taken to a hospital, but unfortunately she didn’t kill all the pigs in the Angry Birds level she was playing before the accident.

Duane Hansen broke the world record by riding 37.5 miles down the Missouri River in a hollowed-out pumpkin. Once he paddled ashore, he emptied the vessel of river water and pumpkin pee.