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A viral image of black-licorice-flavored Oscar Mayer ‘Halloweiners’ proved to be fake, disappointing fans of black licorice, and disappointing even more fans of black weiners.

30,000 visitors were locked inside Shanghai Disneyland for hours after one visitor tested positive for COVID-19. The park reported no other COVID infections, although several people stuck on ‘It’s A Small World’ took their own life.

Despite Microsoft’s warnings that new operating system Windows 11 will only work on newer PCs with fast processors and ample memory, a man got it running on a 15-year-old computer. He intends to prove it once the PC finishes booting up in 8 months.

Nearly 90 countries joined a global pact to reduce methane gas. India has not yet agreed – as cows frantically pack their sh*t and try to move there.

A Texas bar is refusing to allow customers to play Mariah Carey’s “All I Want For Christmas Is You” on the jukebox until December 1st. After that, it will abort playback of the song after four weeks.

Citing the challenging environment for Internet content providers, Yahoo! is pulling out of China. This, according to the company’s outgoing director of international operations, Ya Hu.

Space X’s Crew Dragon craft has a toilet leak, which will require four astronauts to use “undergarments” instead. However, due to global & extraterrestial supply chain issues, the undergarments won’t arrive in space for several months.

Scientists studying plants growing in Chile’s Atacama Desert – the world’s harshest non-polar desert – believe it holds the key to curing climate-related famine: eating cactus and tumbleweeds.

A new blood test can reportedly spot up to 50 different types of cancer – developers are working on a better name for the test than its current one: 49 Killer Flavors.

Kim Kardashian had a “fashion emergency” at a NYC awards show when a zipper broke on her outfit. Everyone was stunned to learn it was a zipper in the front.

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Chile is cancelling the Global Climate Summit, saying it should be relocated to Warm.

Couples are abandoning the ‘Honey-Do’ list, using project management apps to create ‘Shared Labor’ lists and using date nights to compare chores. Husbands and wives are both calling this “the worst date of their lives”.

Richard Gere, 70, is expecting his second child with wife Alejandra Silva, 36 – earning him the coveted title Senior American Gigolo.

Jed Duggar, 20, of ’19 Kids and Counting’ is running for state representative in Arkansas. However, early polls show him carrying just 40% of his household.

The Cleveland Browns released safety Jermaine Whitehead following a series of tweets where he threatened to shoot and kill fans who criticized his play. Other players were happy they now know what it takes to get cut by the Cleveland Browns.

61% of American parents say they financially supported an adult child during the past year. 39% said giving a baby up for adoption seemed tough at first, but really paid off in the long run.

Employees of Buffalo Wild Wings were fired for ordering a mixed-race family not to sit near a racist regular who frequented the restaurant. The employees said they didn’t know this was different from regulars asking not to sit near Dallas Cowboys fans.

Kentucky Governor Matt Bevin intends to challenge his 5,800-vote election defeat to challenger Andy Beshear. Any resulting recount may take months, as state officials look for Kentucky residents who can count up to 5,000.

A Pennsylvania woman is charged with accepting over $10,000 in donations while she faked colon cancer. Donors grew suspicious when she said her chemotherapy was administered via chemically altered topping on her cheesesteaks.

A 14-year-old girl won a science contest for inventing a system to eliminate blind spots in cars.  Then her mom rear-ended a vehicle on the drive home while texting everyone the good news.

 

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A woman gave birth to a baby daughter in the rest room of a San Antonio, Texas Chick-fil-A.  The baby gets free food for life and a guaranteed job at age 14.  The restaurant has a job opening now, however, since an employee just quit rather than clean the bathroom.

An investigation by the Chinese government found that a drug company, Changchun Changseng, had provided faulty vaccines given to thousands of children.  The government launched the investigation after finding syringes with the vaccine containing fortunes and lottery numbers.

The 150th Anniversary of the founding of the Golden Retriever breed was marked in the Scottish Highlands with a gathering of hundreds of the popular dogs.  The dogs looked to be having a great time, although one dog leaving the festivities said he couldn’t wait to sniff something other than another dog’s butt.

A Memphis man is under arrest for stealing a woman’s car while they were on a date, then using the car to take a different woman to a date at a drive-in movie. The car was returned to its owner, who is sure her back seat didn’t look like that before.

Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s team reportedly wants to talk to the former ‘Manhattan Madam’ Kristin Davis. Davis was convicted of running a prostitution ring in the wake of investigations into former New York Attorney General Eliot Spitzer. No word on why Mueller wants to talk to her, other than his team has been working some long, lonely hours.

New research states that infants’ waking hours may resemble a dream-like state or a psychedelic trip. Giulio Tononi of the University of Wisconsin published the study; he said that in his dreams and psychedelic trips he sees a lot of bare women’s breasts.

Genevieve Pascolla, a passenger on a United flight from London to Chicago, said that after she was reseated on her flight because the man in the adjacent seat was masturbating, the flight attendants made jokes. United refused her request for a refund but said they’ll no longer publish a swimsuit issue of their in-flight magazine.

Khloe Kardashian apologized for using the ‘r-word’ toward her sister Kourtney while they shared live video on Instagram. “Are you f***ing retarded?” Khloe asked Kourtney. While Khloe did say she was sorry, dozens of Kardashians’ followers on Instagram are waiting for Kourtney to answer the question.

A human cannonball at a circus in Chile was seriously injured when he shot far over his safety net and landed on the ground, breaking his chin and knees. The circus is halting the act until they can find a much, much heavier cannonball.

A New York Times article reports that merchants in Melania Trump’s hometown of Sevnica, Slovenia sell souvenir Melania salami — although they admit she likes the smaller American kind better.