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Traffic data indicate that post-pandemic commutes are shifting from 9-to-5 schedules to 10-to-4. This is validated by cops seeing more road rage shootings at 10:15a.m. & 4:15p.m..

Four million baby boomers are projected to retire each year for the next four years, creating opportunities for young job seekers in such areas as laying off baby boomers who don’t retire.

The FDA is set to approve new blood tests to detect Alzheimer’s and colon cancer. Cologuard may start testing for Alzheimer’s, as grandparents send boxed stool samples to their grandchildren for their birthdays by mistake.

Organizers of the San Francisco Marathon infuriated competitors in the Half-Marathon event, by mistakenly making it just 12.6 miles instead of 13.1. One entrant did complete a full half-marathon – he entered the marathon and had a heart attack after 13.1 miles.

Researchers in Japan determined a way to bond living skin tissue to a robot. Then every single one of them proposed marriage to the robots.

Intel is laying off 15,000 employees – who are now going fron IntelInside to IntelOutside.

The $269 Ninja Slushi – which cranks out frozen slush drinks in minutes – is a new viral sensation. Unfortunately, kids have wised up and won’t be fooled by broccoli slush no matter how fun it looks.

Lauryn ‘Pumpkin’ Efird – daughter of Mama June and sister of Honey Boo-Boo, filed for divorce from her husband of six years. They’ll share custody of two kids and Pumpkin-carve up the rest of their assets.

Tori Spelling said she’s planning to start an OnlyFans so she can send her kids to college. Spelling is 51 and has had five kids so she’s telling them to focus on community college.

A pregnant Cardi B is once again filing for divorce from husband Offset after another cheating allegation. This is believed to be her third divorce filing, according to her lawyer who was smart enough to keep the second filing in their Drafts folder.

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For the first time, the NCAA announced that they’ll provide payments to university athletes. Men’s football & basketball athletes were disappointed to lear that the payments will be delivered by direct deposit, and not prostitutes.

Doctors have developed a new blood test to detect colon cancer. They draw blood, and a dog sniffs it.

For the first time since the Francis Scott Key Bridge collapsed, cruise ships are departing from Baltimore’s harbor. To honor the tragedy, 21 Carnival Cruise ship passengers vomited over the side of their ship as it departed.

Nicki Minaj was arrested at Amsterdam airport on a drug possession charge – rebooting the old ‘Oprah smuggling 50 pounds of crack’ joke.

America’s tallest water slide, Rise Of Icarus, opened at Mt Olympus Water Park in Wisconsin. It’s 145 feet tall, and is staffed by technicians trained to use the Jaws of Life to extract swimsuits from butt cracks.

A 11-year-old fifth grader raised $7,200 to pay off the lunch debt owed by all children at his school. His next mission is to raise money to pay the hospital bills for all of the kids who ate the salisbury steak.

A new study finds couples who drink together live longer – since it helps them forget what makes them angry at each other.

Scientists discovered a potential link between tattoos and blood cancer. They urge people not to get a new tattoo to commemorate their battle with blood cancer.

Pope Francis allegedly commented on gay men not being allowed to train for the priesthood in seminary because there’s already enough ‘f*ggotry’ taking place. His peers were surprised by the language, but admitted the dude makes a fair point.

Bruce Springsteen cancelled concerts after losing his voice. He was sent best wishes by Bob Dylan and Motley Crue’s Vince Neil, who also lost their voice but continue to perform anyway.

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A new trend is for brides to get a haircut between the ceremony and reception to symbolize the start of something new. Although some brides are angry when the groom mentions liking the new ‘do because it reminds them of the bride’s sister.

Gun shots were fired and a teen was critically injured during a party in the empty parking lot at a Philadelphia soccer stadium. Cops say this is the most excitement they’ve ever seen at a soccer venue.

Venice’s grand canal mysteriously turned bright green. “Its-a il burlone (the Joker)”, said Italian Batman.

A Carnival Cruise liner returning from the Bahamas encountered hurricane force winds and waves, flooding the ship and making dozens of passengers even more violently ill than they usually get from the buffet.

Researchers believe an increase in colon cancer among younger patients is caused by fungus usually found in toe nails. They believe parents may be putting their foot up the ass of their kids to make them get a job.

Scientists believe the predominant cause of Sudden Infant Death Syndrome may be a defective brain receptor controlling breathing – followed closely by one-star rated Care.com babysitters

The NBA Philadelphia 76ers hired Nick Nurse as their new head coach. Nurse promises to deliver a championship to whatever team he works for after the Sixers fire him.

2.7 million travelers flew commercial U.S. airlines over the Memorial Day weekend, the most since Thanksgiving 2019. Both Southwest and Spirit say they set new records for the number of flight attendants knocked out by passengers.

A new study finds that weightlifting & resistance exercises focused on the legs helps prevent heart attack victims from a second episode. Or you can just sit on the couch and not do squats.

An Australian man was able to pry his head out of the jaws of a crocodile after being attacked while snorkeling. The man suffered minor injuries, and the crocodile is amazed how much easier it is to breathe while swimming with the snorkel he stole.

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New Jersey is building its second offshore wind farms, just as soon as local crime bosses have enough bodies to fill in the giant underwater concrete pylons.

Colon cancer rising in young adults because of sugary drinks. The Surgeon General declared a Mountain Dew Code Red.

Florida condominium owners are debating selling their units in the wake of the Miami Surfside collapse. They’re worried about sharp drops in both value and altitude.

Over 180 people nationwide were killed by guns over the July 4th weekend. Chicago is considering cancelling next year’s fireworks and just scheduling a firefight.

Wildfires in the U.S. are so bad, even Hawaii is experiencing one. It’s a California wildfire on vacation.

Pope Francis is hospitalized following colon surgery, to fix an irregularity discovered by an altar boy.

Black TikTok’ers are on strike since Juneteenth and not creating dances, because they say they’re tired of white TikTok’ers stealing them and getting credit. In other news, the most popular dance on TikTok since Juneteenth is the Macarena.

WWE superstar wrestler Jimmy Uso was arrested for DUI, driving with a blood alcohol level of .205. Uso failed a field sobriety test, he was asked to hit the arresting officer with a folding chair and missed.

Monday marked Aphelion Day, when Earth is at its farthest point from the Sun. Fearing the added distance will diminish their tan, Jersey Shore beachgoers put their chairs on cinderblocks.

Britney Spears’ manager Larry Rudolph resigned, saying he believes Britney wants to retire from singing. He came to the conclusion after listening to Britney sing.