Arizona’s U.S. Senator Kyrsten Sinema is leaving the Democratic Party and registering as an Independent. Sinema says she’s bisexual, bipartisan, and you can bi her votes.

Britney Griner is back in the U.S. following a prisoner swap with Russian arms dealer Viktor ‘Merchant of Death’ Bout. MerchantofDeath.com is already offering a Christimas buy one, get one free offer on guided missile-launching drones.

CBS This Morning co-anchor Gayle King said that the Good Morning America co-host affair between T.J. Holmes and Amy Robach is “messy” and “sloppy” – not like the buttoned-up action she gets with bestie Oprah.

Crypto executive Sam Bankman-Fried said he’ll testify before Congress about the collapse of FTX, provided Congress is willing to fly to the Bahamas.

Philadelphia Police used forensic DNA to finally identified The Boy In The Box – a 1957 murder victim – as Joseph Augustus Zarelli. They say they’ll no longer refer to him as The Boy In The Box, and will start calling him Jaz.

Elon Musk said Twitter is developing software to show if you’ve been ‘shadowbanned’, or, more likely, that ‘no one Likes what you have to say’.

Actress Jennifer Lawrence said in an interview that her Hunger Games role was the first time a woman starred an action movie. She was met with hostile disagreement by every female star who saw action in porn.

Frontier Airlines said they’ve shut down all their customer service phone lines, and will only field customer inquiries via chat. They say that 99 percent of what customers type in chats are all caps.

Google added a feature to its Pixel phones so Wifi stays on when users enter Airplane Mode – so that they can comply with air carrier requirements, while still being able to bitch about how terrible the inflight Wifi is.

A new law in South Korea standardizes citizens age. Many South Koreans consider newborns 1 year old instead of 0, so the new standard will lower most ages by at least a year. This is good news for most everyone except guys with teen girifriends they thought were legal.

Sophia Urista, lead singer of Brass Against, went viral after video circulated of her urinating on a man’s face onstage at a music festival. Some fans were outraged, but the man had purchased Gold Circle VIPee tickets.

House of Gucci‘ premieres this Thanksgiving, starring Lady Gaga & Adam Driver in a true story about an outsider’s attempts to take over the iconic fashion brand. Producers settled on ‘House of Gucci‘ instead of its original title, ‘Gucci Gucci Coup‘.

Investigators solved the 50-year-old mystery of Theodore Conrad, a Cleveland bank teller who put $215,000 in a paper bag and disappeared in 1969. Conrad died earlier this year and was buried under a stone engraved “Whatever, I got out of Cleveland”.

The Trump Organization is selling its Washington DC hotel. It will become a Waldorf-Astoria as soon as they remove the discarded hooker outfits and urine-soaked mattresses from the Presidential Suite.

According to The Framingham Heart Study, sugar-sweetened beverages are the worst drink for liver disease, even worse than alcohol. However, fiber consumption can prevent the damage, say the makers of all-new Mountain Dew Code Red Metamucil.

Walmart’s Black Friday ad shows special deals on Playstation 5 and Xbox Series X game consoles as available “online only”. But for a fee, Walmart will send fifty workers to your house to trample you as you try to shop online at midnight.

Adele said in an interview with Oprah Winfrey that her weight loss journey started with exercise that she used to control her anxiety. “I wish I had your anxiety!” said Oprah.

A 32-year-old woman was arrested for physically assaulting a Southwest Airlines employee. The woman said she heard the *ding* to move about the cabin, but never heard the second *ding* to end the round and stop punching.

The Beaver Moon lunar eclipse on November 19th will be the longest of the century, and the most disappointing to teen boys aroused by how sexy it sounds.

An 84-year-old man bought a Portsmouth, Virginia home “sight unseen” for $160,000 cash, then murdered his realtor in it before killing himself. The home has been relisted as a “fixer upper”.

Actress Leah Remini, 50, shared her acceptance letter into a general studies program at NYU. Her ‘King Of Queens’ costar, Kevin James, shared the letter adding him to the waitlist at Strayer University.

Amazon is shutting down its Prime Now service, and moving its “ultrafast” premium deliveries to its regular Prime. So go ahead and order those necessities that you absolutely have to have in about five days.

Kylie Jenner and baby-daddy Travis Scott announced they’re back together as a couple, but in an ‘open relationship’ – also known as Parents With Benefits.

Kim Kardashian revealed on ‘Keeping Up With The Kardashians’ that her daughter, Saint, had COVID-19, which surprised Kim because Saint wears an avocado mask most mornings.

Oprah Winfrey and Prince Harry debuted their new Apple+ show, ‘The Me You Can’t See’ – where celebrities discuss mental health challenges and traumas that can only be properly addressed by a guy born into royal wealth and a billionaire.

The driver of a Japanese bullet train is in trouble for taking a three minute bathroom break while the train traveled at 90 mph with 160 passengers on board. He said he only did so after trying to piss out a window, but it kept blowing back onto him.

A new Utah law mandates autism awareness training for police officers. Cops are now required to identify non-violent suspects as autistic before shooting and pummeling them.

Investigators added a new name to the subpoena in the probe of Congressman Matt Gaetz. However, for privacy purposes, the person is only identified as ‘Knockers’.

A future bride’s demands to her bridesmaids – including dropping dress sizes to at least a size 8, and donating $500 for the honeymoon – went viral. The groomsmen only demanded that the bridesmaids drop their dresses after the reception.

A judge in Spain refused to marry a couple when the groom arrived for the ceremony wearing a Jack Sparrow costume. And because he was drunk. And Johnny Depp.

Four grey whales were found dead in the San Francisco Bay over the course of nine days. Investigators suspect a serial shark.

Three elderly females in India were accidentally given rabies vaccines instead of COVID-19 vaccines. They didn’t mind because they’re 75-year-old raccoons.

Taylor Swift released a rerecorded version of her 2008 album, ‘Fearless’ – her first rerelease since the rights to her early work were sold without her authorization. In order to recapture the feeling of 2008, she asked John Mayer to dump her again.

NFL QB Deshaun Watson – facing 22 accusations of sexual harassment – said he had sex with massage therapists, but it was consensual. Teammates have remained mostly silent, except for asking Watson for the phone numbers of his massage therapists.

‘My Pillow Guy’ Mike Lindell said he hired a private investigator to find out why he’s not allowed to appear on Fox News. The p.i. made one three-minute phone call, told Lindell, “because they know you’re nuts”, then sent him a bill.

Wine makers in France are starting fires in their vineyards to avoid a freeze during a cold snap. They’re hoping to avoid a wine shortage, or maybe start a new trend of drinking warm grape juice.

Ghislaine Maxwell’s family launched a website defending her reputation. It’s called Only Fans of Human Traffickers.

Oprah is fully vaccinated and plans on throwing a big taco party to celebrate. If you’re fully vaccinated and live near Oprah, you’re still not invited.

A 25-year-old caregiver at an assisted living facility accidentally shot a 71-year-old resident in the face with his new Glock handgun. Until further notice, the facility has postponed employee show-&-tell.

Prince Harry will attend the funeral of his grandfather, Prince Philip, but his pregnant wife Meghan Markle was told not to travel by her doctor..and the Queen..and her in-laws…and the general population of England.

After six years in prison, hip-hop star Bobby Shmurda was released on Shparole.

Disney+ placed an ‘offensive content’ warning before some episodes of The Muppet Show. including Dr. Teeth & the Elecrric Mayhem’s cover of the Rolling Stones’ ‘Some Girls’.

NASA’s Perseverance rover sent back a recording of the wind on Mars, followed by a robotic sounding “excuse me”.

Six Flags will reopen all of its theme parks in 2021 and will hire ‘thousands’ of employees – including specialists trained to tell the difference between COVID vomiting and roller-coaster vomiting.

Stevie Wonder told Oprah Winfrey he’s moving to Ghana – or at least that’s what he thinks is going to happen.

Dr. Dre calls estranged wife Nicole Young a “greedy bitch” in a new rap, which he made the unfortunate choice of debuting in a family court hearing.

Martin Gugino, the elderly Buffalo man whose skull was fractured after being pushed to the ground by cops last summer during Black Lives Matter protests, is suing the city for millions in damages, although he’s expected to settle for a condo in Florida.

New Jersey Governor Phil Murphy signed a bill legalizing recreational marijuana, although state-sanctioned sales won’t be available until completion of the New Jersey Turnpike’s Wu-Tang Clan Service Area.

Meghan McCain criticized COVID vaccine distribution, asking “how I, Meghan McCain, co-host of The View” can’t know when she’ll be eligible. Ironically, many of her viewers are eligible because their immune systems are compromised from listening to Meghan McCain.

Emma Colonel Aspuro, 31-year-old wife of drug kingpin Juan ‘El Chapo’ Guzman, was arrested on drug & conspiracy charges. She was detained after arriving at Dulles Airport in Virginia after emerging from the tunnel connecting it to Tijuana.

KFC temporarily closed hundreds of restaurants in the United Kingdom because they’ve run out of chicken. The closures have resulted in an unexpected surge in U.K. gun sales to nervous cats, small dogs and large rodents.

Switzerland banned boiling live lobsters, but also passed legislation legalizing assisted shellfish suicide.

  • Going forward, seafood restaurants will be required to offer Lobster Hospice.

ABC Networks recently revealed that it tests contestants on ‘The Bachelor’ and ‘The Bachelorette’ for sexually transmitted diseases; this, after penicillin and Valtrex pills kept falling out of the roses.

President Trump took to Twitter to criticize Oprah Winfrey’s interviews with Michigan voters that aired on ’60 Minutes’, meaning efforts by Trump aides to distract him with with the NBA Mascot Slam Dunk Competition were unsuccessful.

Google claims its artificial intelligence can predict heart disease or stroke by looking at a person’s retinal images. The technology seeks out specific patterns in retinal vessels, and reflections of Hooters waitresses.

Marvel’s “Black Panther” brought in $192 million during its three-day North American debut, shattering records for ticket sales and audience comments directed at the screen.

A family of 23 people was removed from the Carnival Legend after inciting repeated brawls during the ship’s cruise of the Australian coast. Other passengers who say their trips were ruined by the fighting were insulted by Carnival’s conciliatory offer of 25% off a future cruise. Carnival then countered by upping the offer to include a kangaroo bodyguard.

Aleksandr Krushelnitckii, Russian bronze medalist in mixed doubles curling, is under suspicion of doping after his first sample tested positive for meldonium. Krushelnitckii defended himself, saying the performance-enhancing drugs were for sex with his hot wife & Internet sensation Anastasia Bryzgalova, since curling requires no athletic talent.

Ivanka Trump is reportedly getting a “First Lady style” welcome when she visits Pyeongchang for the Olympics — meaning, a bed three rooms away from her husband’s in a room that locks from the inside.

French ice dancer Gabriella Papadakis left the ice in tears after her halter top became unhooked during her program, exposing the bottom of her breast. Papadakis and partner Guillaume Cizeron received a combined score of 81.93, which was weighed down by an individual score of ‘Take It All Off’ from a since-removed U.S.A. judge.

 

 

The FoldiMate – a $980 machine that folds, irons and perfumes clothes – was shown off at the Consumer Electronics Show in Las Vegas. However, its makers were arrested when federal agents examined one and found a 50-year-old-man inside.

A 99-year-old Mississippi woman shot and killed a deer a few miles from her rural home. The deer was 97.

Eighth graders in Arkansas 3D-printed a new foot for a duck that didn’t have one. Said one of the children “you don’t eat a duck like that all at once.”

Takata’s airbag recall has been expanded to an additional 3.3 million vehicles. “Well, I guess that’s all of ’em” said Takata’s CEO.

The last Boeing 747 jet flown commercially by a U.S. carrier was retired when Delta flew it to an airliner graveyard in Arizona. A different jet will be sent in six months to pick up the 75-year-old flight attendants working on it serving peanuts and Coke to coyotes.

Two Apple investors have requested that the company do more to limit children’s iPhone use. Apple said that they will consider scaling back the hours of children making them.

Sources say that Oprah Winfrey is considering a run for President in 2020. The rumors appeared to be confirmed by a leaked version of her ‘2020 My Favorite Things’ list that includes Air Force One and nuclear weapons.

The hottest new fitness app is Sweatcoin, which rewards users for steps that they take outdoors, redeemable for merchandise. So far, over 10,000 Fitbits have been earned by stray dogs.

Amazon is partnering with matchmaking company Three Day Rule to provide dating tips via the Alexa assistant. Three Day Rule & Alexa’s suggestions include striking up conversations with strangers and asking if they’re a cop.

Dunkin Donuts announced that they’ve removed all artificial dyes from its doughnuts. Customers say they can’t taste the difference, since their taste buds have been melted off by the coffee.

A water main break at JFK Airport caused extensive flooding. Emergency crews and stranded passengers teamed up to save the Cinnabons.

 

Google is in court arguing against the Department of Labor’s charges that they systemically underpay women. Google execs deny the claim, saying women there make 81% of men’s salaries, versus the national average of 80%.

The New England Patriots presented Tom Brady’s mother, Galynn, with a Super Bowl 51 Championship ring. She thanked the team and then asked where in the hell are all the other Super Bowl rings her kid won.

The Department of Transportation said that 2017 U.S. airline passenger “bumping” has hit an alltime low; however, passenger “dragging” reached an alltime high.

A burglar who pooped in the toilet of the home he robbed – without flushing – was arrested based on a DNA match from his feces. The woman who owns the home asked the judge for leniency on his behalf, saying that at least he left the seat down.

Vice News reports that President Trump’s staffers compile packets of favorable news stories about him, then give him the packets twice per day. So far their biggest challenge has been finding newspapers and video from the 80s and 90s.

Defense Secretary James Mattis backed up Trump’s harsh rhetoric, saying that North Korea’s actions could lead to the destruction of its people. North Korean citizens countered that the biggest risk to their destruction isn’t nukes, it’s the food they’re eating since economic sanctions went into place.

Disney announced that it will pull its content from Netflix and start their own streaming service. The channel is expected to focus on family-friendly content, with the exception of a drama about Minnie Mouse going to prison.

Oprah Winfrey and Kraft Foods are partnering on “O That’s Good”, a line of frozen comfort food soups and sides. Each soup will cost $4.99 and each side $4.49, allowing a lonely woman to put together her dinner for around $40.

For the first time in nearly 30 years, the Mormon Church has excommunicated a senior leader. Ousted Elder James Hamula had no immediate plans, other than to relax with his 12 wives and however many kids he has.

Major League Baseball announced “Players Weekend”, where MLB players will be able to wear their nicknames on their jerseys. No vulgar nicknames are allowed, so none of the Philadelphia Phillies fan suggestions will be used.

  • Yankees reliever Aroldis Chapman will wear “The Missile”. Asked if it’s because of his 100mph fastball, Chapman said “..uh, sure.”