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Jury selection begins today in Donald Trump’s hush money trial. Seating the jury could take up to two weeks while they whittle down all of the candidates who ask for selfies and autographs.

Lori & George Schappell, the world’s oldest living conjoined twins, passed away at age 62. Memorial services are planned as soon as the family is done fighting with the funeral director over a 2-for-1 discount.

Roly Poly Bakery in Connecticut recalled their multigrain bread after officials issued a threat-to-life warning because it failed to list eggs as an ingredient. A grade school student who go a liverwurst sandwich made with the bread in his lunch issued their own threat-to-life warning to the parent who made it.

A&E Network premiered docuseries ‘Secrets of the Hells Angels’, detailing life inside the biker gang. The show promises to reveal innerworkings of criminal activity, initiation, and gang rituals – but unfortunately not their prize-winning chili recipe.

Scientists identified three previously-unknown species of ancient kangaroo, including one over 6 feet 6 inches tall. They were identified by skeletal remains and well-preserved basketball jerseys.

Gwen Stefani reunited with No Doubt to play Coachella on Saturday. The band was joined by pop superstar Olivia Rodrigo, and joined at other points by guys to deflect projectiles in case Stefani tried singing country songs she wrote with Blake Shelton.

New Apple Watch data finds it takes the average person 334 days to walk the equivalent of a marathon. Erroneous Apple Watch data also finds chronic masturbators complete a marathon every day.

CBS’ Sunday night telecast of Billy Joel’s 100th concert at Madison Square Garden started late, and was cut off in progress as CBS affiliate stations switched to local news at 11p – leaving many viewers angry at not knowing who started the fire.

MTV is reportedly cancelling reality show ‘Siesta Key’ after 5 seasons, saying now it’s just ‘Siesta’.

A New York woman, Sandra Weir, works as a ‘wedding nanny’ – reception guests leave their children with her while they party. She charges one fee for watching the kids, and a second fee for returning them after the parents get loaded and leave without them.

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A man was stoned to death by monkeys in India. The man’s family was upset, but said he probably shouldn’t have been stealing bananas.

Conjoined twin Abby Hensel of TLC reality show Abby & Brittany revealed she’s been married to a man since 2021. The news remained private for three years because Brittany was furious at not being Maid of Honor.

Frequent fliers shared their tips on the best seats to book. The consensus favorite is a window seat over the wings for uninterrupted rest and mitigating the feel of turbulence. The second favorite is any seat not on a Spirit-or-Frontier-owned Boeing.

A cholesterol-lowering supplement containing red mold sold in Japan killed two people and sickened 100 others. Their cholesterol may not be lower but they all lost weight.

Authorities revealed what they seized in raids of Diddy’s homes – including firearms and computers. Unfortunately they didn’t find any new hit songs.

Investigators are examining flight logs for Diddy’s private jets as part of their sex-trafficking investigation. They aren’t saying what destinations they’ve found so far, only that one of them rhymes with Schlepsteens Smilind.

Workers at video game giant Sega of America agreed to unionize. High scores will be tougher to come by since Sonic The Hedgehog now gets two 10-minute breaks every hour.

The City of Philadelphia is cracking down on people who illegally park their cars on sidewalks and in front of curb ramps. The Parking Authority is hiring 30 new officers to issue tickets and pull pedestrians out from under cars.

Independent Robert F. Kennedy Jr. picked Nicole Shanahan as his vice presidential running mate. Shanahan is a little-known Silicon Valley attorney and entrepreneur, who will be even littler-known in mid-November.

A new report created in the wake of child actor abuse documentary ‘Quiet On Set’ claims Nickelodeon network hired or employed 5 abusers and pedophiles. The report’s authors say their work won’t be complete until they finish interviews with all of the Rugrats.

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A Seattle-area man was arrested for letting his pit bull drive his 1996 Buick over 100mph.  The pit bull was also arrested for driving with a suspended license. 

North Dakota GOP Senator Kevin Kramer apologized for a tweet calling House Speaker Nancy Pelosi “retarded” – but said ‘retarded’ was autocorrected from ‘ridiculous’. Just like the time he typed ‘Pepboys’ into his web browser and ended up at Pornhub.

A survey released by the Pew Research Center showed 9 in 10 Americans believe that current COVID-19 related restrictions are necessary. 1 in 10 still aren’t aware that Mardi Gras is over. 

New York’s Attorney General is investigating group chat app Zoom, citing security and data privacy problems, after several teenagers complained video of their naked genitals shown when they hacked into work conference calls turned up elsewhere online. 

‘The Office’ and ‘Jack Ryan’ actor John Krasinski launched a YouTube channel dedicated to “good news”. The good news is, you don’t have to watch it. 

Keanon Lowe, an Oregon teacher & football coach who talked a student out of self-harm with a shotgun – then hugged him – will receive the Congressional Medal of Honor. Best of all, said GOP Congressmen, he gets to keep the gun. 

CNN’s Chris Cuomo tested positive for coronavirus. Liberal-minded news viewers are warned to stay six feet away from their TVs. 

Idaho will no longer allow transgender women to play on girl’s athletic teams. State officials are debating what to do about voiding the single-season record for softball home runs, set last year at 75. 

A shelter-in-place order was issued for south Florida’s Lauderdale County – meaning all 10,000 people on the beach must move beneath their umbrella. 

A neurosurgeon who separated conjoined twins has passed away from COVID-19 complications. For their part, the twins are planning a tribute, once they put their heads together.