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Data from insurance industry website Insurify shows that, of the seven most popular vehicles owned by drivers withar DUI, seven are pickup trucks. Owners say it’s because of the convenience transporting cases of beer and injured pedestrians.

Threat assessmnent experts cite an increased risk of violence posed by “incels” – involuntary celibate men frustrated they can’t have sexual relationships with women. It’s so bad, threat levels have been elevated to Code Red for every ComicCon this summer.

The European Union stripped Russia of “Most Favored Nation” trade status. Emails sent to Russian households inform buyers their UPS shipment is scheduled to arrive ‘Never’.

Russia is seizing hundreds of Boeing & Airbus passenger jets grounded in the country. Spirit Airlines is pleased to announce new 29-Ruble SuperSaver flights between Moscow and St. Petersburg.

37 million people in China are in COVID lockdown – leading to immense stress in households that have already reached their two-child limit.

Dolly Parton refused her nomination to the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame, and also refused to endorse the write-in candidate seeking to take her spot on the ballot, Lou Bega.

Tom Brady’s return to the Tampa Bay Buccaneers has put his feature film project ‘80 For Brady‘ in question. That, and Jane Fonda’s decision to return to making leotard & leg warmer aerobics videos.

A Wisconsin bird flu outbreak will require the culling of 2.75 million chickens – as 300 Wisconsin fire departments band together for a world record barbecue.

A new study claims sleeping with even a small amount of light on harms your heart health. The study cites audience heart attacks suffered falling asleep during showings of three-hours-long ‘The Batman’.

Sandra Bullock announced she’s “taking a break” from acting. Viewers of her last few movies announced “that’s a terrific idea”.

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Protesters object to a planned wind turbine farm off the coast of Atlantic City. They say the turbines will harm ocean life; proponents claim that wind power will somehow create even more blow jobs for Atlantic City.

A sixth grader completed a science fair project called “Does your cat’s butthole really touch all the surfaces in your house?” by applying lipstick to two cats’ rectums and tracking them. The kid got an ‘A’, but his mom’s goodnight kiss with her date was a disappointment.

The City of Philadelphia lifted some restrictions on outdoor dining and other activities, giving gangs even more stuff to shoot at.

To battle diseases, Florida will release over 100,000 genetically-engineered non-biting male mosquitoes, so they’ll mate with biting females, with female offspring unable to survive. They’ll measure success by observing mosquito gender-reveal parties.

Meat processing brand Farmer John no longer makes Dodger Dogs, the official hot dog of the Los Angeles Dodgers. The team now sells ‘Traditional Dodger Dogs’, and every vendor and concession stand lost a Michelin star.

Boeing posted their sixth consecutive quarterly loss, telling angry shareholders that profits are dropping faster than a 737MAX.

Caitlyn Jenner’s sons are reportedly unhappy about her announced run for Governor of California. Jenner said she didn’t plan to run for Governor, but did so because her original plan to retire & get pregnant didn’t work out.

NASA’s Ingenuity helicopter snapped a photo of the Perseverance rover while it flew on Mars. Then Perseverance made it go back and take three more and pick a flattering filter.

Pfizer’s CEO says an antiviral pill to treat COVID-19 could be available by the end of the year. They just need to figure out how patients on ventilators can swallow it.

Kanye West told the New York Post’s Page Six that, after his divorce from Kim Kardashian, he wants his next relationship to be with “an artist and a creative person”. So, not just any stripper.

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Shanghai Disneyland reopened, challenging even the most expert Chinese photographers to frame selfies with Mickey Mouse while he stands six feet away.

Uber informed 3,500 customer support employees via Zoom calls that they were being terminated, saying there aren’t enough riders being sexually harassed by drivers to keep them busy.

Europe’s only seeing-eye guide pony had to retire from service after eating maple leaves, which are toxic to them. He survived, but he’s still a little hoarse. [Story h/t to J.H.!]

White Claw is introducing reduced-calorie White Claw 70, for weight-conscious pussies.

Boeing’s CEO appeared on the Today Show and said he thinks the COVID-19 pandemic will cause one major airline to shut down. He wouldn’t say which one, but said pretty much everybody hopes it’s Spirit.

Facebook and Instagram are celebrating the Class of 2020 during the Week of May 11th. Graduates can find special features on Instagram, and can avoid their parents & grandparents by not going on Facebook.

LinkedIn added user polls and video events, giving self-promoting suck-ups two more things for you to roll your eyes at when you visit the site.

An 11-year-old Brazilian boy became the first to ever land a 1080-degree flip off a standard ramp on a skateboard. Since he’s been blowing off homeschool math to practice, he figures that’s about six full rotations.

A 17-ton piece of a failed Chinese rocket that launched May 5 crashed back down to Earth, landing in the Atlantic Ocean west of Africa, sending a Chinese 7th grader back to the drawing board for next year’s Science Fair.

A new phishing scam involves fake Zoom & videoconference portals to steal personal information. Users should be on the lookout for services that look like Zoom, but where the host asks participants to introduce themselves with their social security number.

 

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Apple announced a ban on all coronavirus-and-quarantine themed games submitted to the App Store, including Pokemon Stay.

The NFL Players Association approved a new collective bargaining agreement, which adds a 17th regular season game. The 17th game was needed so the Jacksonville Jaguars could play one home game in Florida, instead of London or Mexico.

The White House doctor stated Donald Trump tested negative for coronavirus, but still received a penicillin shot for some other stuff he found.

While Major League Baseball is on hiatus, PBS stations will air Ken Burns documentary series ‘Baseball’ to ensure everyone still has a way to stay bored.

Comcast announced it will not overcharge customers for internet usage while they quarantine for coronavirus. A spokesperson said the move toward not gouging customers required Comcast to retrain every employee.

Dozens of states have closed schools for weeks. In response, bullies announced they’re tripling staff to beat up all of the newly home-schooled kids.

West Virginia is now the only U.S. state without a confirmed case of COVID-19, but doctors admit it’s tougher to diagnose in lungs coated with coal dust.

Boeing reached a deal with Spirit Airlines to restart production on its 737-MAX jets –so now people can save money when they die.

New York City mayor Bill de Blasio halted visits to New York City prisons during the coronavirus outbreak. Casting was halted on Weinstein Productions latest film.

Gumby’s Pizza in State College, Pennsylvania was shut down for using a food preparation table as a bed to ink tattoos. Since the tattoos now won’t be done in a half-hour, they’re free.

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Hallmark Channel pulled an ad from a wedding planning service because it showed two women kissing. The ad was then reshot with Candace Cameron Bure and Lacey Chabert as the kissing couple, and Hallmark Channel was contractually obligated to show it.

Government health officials claim excessive use of marijuana can cause psychosis. Marijuana advocates respond by saying that’s the point.

Military officials are investigating whether cadets attending the Army/Navy Game flashed a ‘white power’ hand sign – touching thumb & index fingers with the remaining digits extended – while on-camera at the game. The cadet claimed he was just trying to say he only had to attend three more of these cold, terrible football games.

A New England Patriots videographer taking images of the Cincinnati Bengals sideline last week was suspended by the team for an unspecified period, accompanied by an unspecified promotion and pay raise.

The Oakland Raiders played their final home game before relocating next season to become the Las Vegas Raiders. Team slogans ‘Commitment to Excellence’ and ‘Pride and Poise’ will be joined by ‘Best Buffet & Loosest Slots in the NFL’.

A package thief in St. Paul, Minnesota left behind a handwritten note thanking the intended recipient for leaving it where it could be stolen. Police are baffled because the note was written in cursive with no spelling errors.

Aussie airline Qantas selected Airbus jets for their planned 19-hour nonstop flights from Australia to the U.S. They said they may change their mind and buy Boeing if passengers decide they want unexpected nosedives to help break up the long trip.

After postponing his ‘Big Tour’ for three months to spend time with his family and newborn daughter, Chance the Rapper canceled it altogether. The Big Tour is now renamed the No Chance Tour.

Accuweather meteorologist John Gresiak said 25 million Americans will see varied precipitation on Monday, from sleet to freezing rain, that he calls a “mixed bag of glop”. Thousands more Americans will also see a mixed bag of glop on Monday when they hit the Arby’s drive-thru.

The Department of Justice is investigating an Iowa psychiatric care facility for conducting “human arousal studies” on residents with mental challenges. The study was to determine if people living in Iowa in December could still become aroused.

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Guinness Book of World Records recognized Kane Tanaka, a 116-year-old Japanese woman, as the World’s Oldest Living Person. Asked what part of her life she enjoyed most, Tanaka replied “This right now” adding, “the 1930s”.

China is reportedly banning minors appearing in livestream Internet videos. This, despite the surging popularity of “unboxing” videos featuring Chinese children opening their employment offers from Apple.

The son of a Missouri City, Texas donut shop owner tweeted a photo of his father along with “My dad is sad because no one is coming to his new donut shop.” His message was retweeted 202,000 times – 201,000 of those were from the Missouri City Police Dept.

Justin Bieber asked for fans prayers after revealing on social media that he’s been “struggling a lot”. Bieber’s most loyal fans then dropped what they were doing and asked God to get him a divorce.

Actress Brie Larson dressed up in a Captain Marvel sweatsuit to greet fans at an AMC movie theater in Clifton, New Jersey. She even sold sodas and popcorn, but disappointed dozens of New Jersey women who just wanted to buy the sweatsuit.

President Trump denied calling Apple CEO Tim Cook “Tim Apple”, despite video confirming it.  Trump then announced he will enlist the Space Force to thwart the restarted nuclear efforts of Kim Korea, which he believes is being secretly funded by billionaire tech founder Sergei Google.

Boeing stock fell sharply following the second fatal crash involving a less-than-a-year-old 737 MAX jetliner flown by Ethiopia Airlines. Also falling sharply – 737 MAX jetliners.

Tesla announced improvements to their supercharging stations, saying they’ll be able to charge vehicles in a fraction of the time. The news was welcomed by Tesla owners, saying it frees up time for them to brag about their cars and sleep behind the wheel on autopilot.

A Birmingham City soccer fan ran onto the playing field and sucker-punched an opposing player from Aston Villa during the match. Officials with Birmingham City said they’ll be making modifications to future “Meet The Players Night”.

Toyota filed a patent application for a “vehicle fragrance dispenser system”, which would dispense tear gas if the car was stolen, or dispense it only to passengers if they break their promise to hold it in on the ride home from dinner.