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Egyptian researchers unearthed what’s believed to be the world’s oldest mass-production brewery. Then they discovered it made Coors Light, so they buried it again.

The Los Angeles School District eliminated 133 positions for police officers in city schools. So the Bloods & Crips took over the Drama Club and will use real weapons in the Spring musical production of West Side Story.

Much of Texas remains without power following severe winter weather. It’s so cold, Mexicans are building a wall to keep Texans from sneaking in and stealing the heat.

Republicans in Congress are blaming the ‘Green New Deal’ for Texans freezing, despite no such program ever being enacted – unless you count the Texas GOP letting residents freeze to death, which is the Gangrene New Deal.

Amidst fierce competition from McDonald’s, Popeyes and others, Burger King is updating its chicken sandwich to the one you get at McDonald’s or Popeyes.

Britney Spears shared an image of a Scrabble board, asking fans to “decipher this code”, adding “I think this Ouija board is broken”.

Court documents reveal Congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Greene filed for divorce while having an affair with a tantric sex guru, but called it off because she didn’t want to remarry and change her name to Mrs. Marjorie Taylor Tantric Warrior.

Apple is updating emojis with its latest OS release, including the addition of a helmet to the rock-climber emoji, and a life-support system to the fallen rock climber emoji.

The European Space Agency seeks astronaut candidates with physical challenges or disabilities. The Russian Space Agency has already filled their opening with a three-legged dog.

Bam Margera was removed from the cast of ‘Jackass 4’, because he couldn’t control his addiction issues long enough to be reliably shot in the scrotum with a tennis ball cannon.

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The European Space Agency said they’ll unveil a photo of Sagittarius A, the black hole at the center of the Milky Way Galaxy. They say it’s the first-ever photo taken of a black hole, a claim disputed by the publishers of Black Tail magazine.

A man traveling from Lithuania to Italy was surprised to find he was the only passenger on a 188 seat charter jet. The airline refused his request for a first class upgrade.

Lauren Miranda, a junior high math teacher, is suing her school for firing her after a student found a topless selfie she took years ago. Her lawyer said she’s an excellent teacher, since the student calculated the circumference of her breasts with geometry.

The Alliance of American Football ceased operations effective immediately. It’s unclear whether season ticket holders will receive refunds, because league officials don’t know if anyone was dumb enough to buy them.

According to website Nameberry, the top ‘trendy’ baby names in the first quarter of 2019 were Posie for girls and Milo for boys. Jane and Floyd were the top names of bullies who will make life hell for Posie and Milo in a few years.

Lori Lightfoot was elected as the first black female, openly gay, mayor of Chicago. Her inauguration will be a low-key affair, with just a few close family & friends invited to a staged hate crime.

Homosexuality and adultery are now punishable with death by stoning in Brunei. The United States Supreme Court upheld the decision 5-4, just for the hell of it.

After his ejection for a second technical foul, Golden State Warriors Kevin Durant called referee Zach Zarba a “bitch ass motherf*cker”. Durant will likely not lose any endorsements, recently filming an ad for his sponsor American Family Insurance saying “these bitch ass motherf*ckers can save you a lot on your home & auto policies.”

An American tourist and his driver were kidnapped by armed men in a national park in Uganda, threatening the less-than-$10,000/year Ugandan Tourism Industry.

Kim Kardashian said she’s asked by daughter North why they’re famous. Kardashian said her typical reply is ” daddy is a singer, performer, artiste” adding “Mommy..has so many talents I can’t begin to name them.” To which the five-year-old replied “I thought it was the movie of you banging that guy.”