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A U.S. doctor said he used his Apple Watch to detect a deadly heart condition. The watch determined he was lifting a Double Whopper at Burger King.

The FDA approved Vyleesi, a drug to stimulate women’s sexual desire, administered via self-injection to the thigh or abdomen. However, women are advised against telling their partner they’re ready for sex because they just stabbed themselves in the stomach.

A French golfer was disqualified from a tournament because he ran out of balls on the 16th hole. The French golfer contended it wasn’t disqualification, it was surrender.

A University of California – Irvine study claims ocean bacteria colonize your body after 10 minutes of swimming. Bacteria at the Jersey Shore colonized swimmers’ bodies and made them smell like Polo and Drakkar Noir.

The Centers for Disease Control claims 1 in 4 Americans suffer from arthritis. They actually believe the number is even higher, because arthritic shoulders keep some from raising their hands to be counted.

‘Love & Hip Hop’ star Teairra Mari was arrested for DUI after driving her car through the Queens-Midtown Tunnel with only three wheels. She’s scheduled to appear in court, and then in an upcoming episode of ‘Pimp My Four-Door Tricycle’.

Senator Bernie Sanders is proposing the elimination of all $1.6 trillion in student debt by taxing Wall Street institutions. “Cool!” said a master’s degree holder in art history during their break at an Amazon warehouse.

Half of the global Internet was down as of 7a.m. Monday morning. If you’re reading this, nevermind.

Manhattan Cryobank – a New York City sperm bank – is facing multiple lawsuits from buyers who claim they were sold sperm carrying genetic diseases. They’re seeking financial damages, and have refused Manhattan Cryobank’s offer of store credit.

In Spain, citizens celebrated El Colacho, where men dress as devils and hurdle over newborn babies to drive away evil. Only thin, athletic “devils” are used for obvious reasons.

 

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Valeant Pharmaceuticals, which acquired ‘female Viagra’ drug Addyi for $1 Billion, is giving up on the drug and returning its rights to the original owner, Sprout Pharmaceutical. It’s believed to be the first time that a ton of money was spent getting women in the mood for sex and it didn’t work.

Students at George Mason University claim to have invented a fire extinguisher that puts out fires using nothing but sound waves. Unfortunately, the sound is generated from people screaming that they’re on fire.

Britain’s National Health is trialing a service that lets residents see a doctor by video call within two hours. Early results are mostly positive, though some users dislike sitting on the kitchen table in their underwear for two hours.

McDonald’s is reintroducing its Dollar Menu in early 2018, with menu items ranging from $1 for a double cheeseburger, to $3 for a cashier running down the street to get you something from Panera.

Israel Institute of Technology’s Technion Institute has created an ‘Electric nose’ that can detect at least seventeen serious illnesses by scent – ranging from Parkinson’s Disease and Multiple Sclerosis, to the pepperoni roll at Sbarro.

Obamacare signups during the current open enrollment period broke records. There haven’t been this many people buying an overpriced product that’s guaranteed to break since the iPhone X.

Google is introducing a feature that gives you the average wait time at over 1 million restaurants. The feature uses a complex algorithm to assess historical trends for most restaurants, and a static image that says No Wait for searches of Arby’s.

Venture capitalist and Digg founder Kevin Rose launched a free meditation app named Oak. It offers a range of guidance, from simple breathing exercises, to longer guided meditations, and automatic social media updates to tell everyone you’re meditating.

Tesla founder Elon Musk said on the company’s earnings call that all Tesla vehicles had the necessary hardware for full autonomous driving – now that each is fitted with a robotic hand that flips off drivers who cut off the self-driving cars.

The White House has requested $4 Billion for missile defense against North Korea. $1 Billion for counterstrike missiles, and $3 Billion for a Trump International Hotel/Silo on the South Korea border.