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Hawaii’s Kilauea volcano erupted for the first time in two years, figuring if there’s ever a good time to spew more toxins into the air, it’s probably now.

Mark Wahlberg disappointed Australian fans at the grand opening of one of his F45 Fitness Gyms. Wahlberg spent a mere five minutes posing for pics at the new gym in Woolloomooloo, Sydney, before bidding everyone TooDooLooLoo.

An 18-year-old woman from Georgia was sentenced to four months in jail in the Cayman Islands for breaking COVID-19 protocols. Her parents appealed to Donald Trump for assistance, and are confident he’ll follow up, because she’s kinda hot.

The U.K. is in lockdown after a more transmissible, mutated, strain of coronavirus ravages the area. It’s so unpopular, instead of COVID-20, they’re calling it “Meghan”.

Following vaccination of healthcare workers, a CDC Advisory Panel recommends Americans 75 & older be next in line for vaccines. The panel is also warning their grandchildren to expect long, boring stories about it.

Apple may launch the Apple Car as early as next year. Pricing is not yet available, although interested buyers are being told to buy a case for it so the windshield doesn’t break when they hit the curb.

Ariana Grande is engaged to real estate broker Dalton Gomez. Grande plans to enter the studio to begin recording her next album about dumping him.

The new $900 billion government stimulus package reportedly contains $600 direct payments to Americans, billions in expanded unemployment benefits, and about $400 billion to the Russians hacking into the Treasury to take it.

Brazil President Jair Bolsonaro raged against the Pfizer COVID-19 vaccine, saying if the vaccine turned someone into an alligator, Pfizer bears no legal liability. Pfizer said its vaccine does not turn people into alligators, because it would make the second vaccine dose really hard to administer.

New video emerged of a United Airlines passenger receiving CPR before dying of COVID-19 symptoms midflight, and of the the courageous flight attendant trying to push her cart over him to complete beverage service.

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Scientists at the California-based SLAC Digital Accelerator Lab have taken the world’s first 3,200-megapixel digital photos. Although roughly 2,000 of the megapixels are of a scientist’s index finger.

Donald Trump cast his early ballot in Florida, telling assembled reporters he voted “for a guy named Trump”. Adding “..no, not you, Eric”.

A second government-issued stimulus check may arrive in five waves. Which is why your mailman only financed his new Lexus for six months.

Folk singer Arlo Guthrie said he’s retiring from singing due to health setbacks – surprising fans who just assumed he’d already retired.

Model Ireland Baldwin – daughter of Alec – posted a topless photo with “I Voted” stickers covering her nipples. Republicans accused her of voting twice.

Cell phone video recorded a New York City police car broadcasting “Trump 2020” over its loudspeaker. Police officials ultimately suspended Officer Rudy.

A newborn baby was found in the lavatory of a Qatar Airways jet, and female passengers were appalled at being taken off the flight before departure to see if they’d just given birth. They wondered why they didn’t just examine women who asked for seat belt extenders.

Home Depot is starting its Black Friday sale three weeks early – givingkAmerican men three extra weeks to get terrible Christmas presents for their wives and girlfriends.

A house cat in Palm Harbor, Florida caught a two-headed racer snake in the wild and brought it home. The Florida Fish & Wildlife Institute is caring for the snake, while the cat patiently waits to visit the snake and bite both of the heads off.

NASA scheduled a press conference to announce “exciting new findings about the Moon” – which turned out to be an astronaut dropping his pants with “Gotcha” written on his buttocks.