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Fox News retracted its story about a man claiming to be a Navy SEAL who had made a glass presidential sculpture for Donald Trump. The man was never a SEAL and most of his service medals were fake. Fox News apologized and said it was the most grievous error they’d made that day. 

Hailey Baldwin confirmed her marriage to Justin Bieber, changing the name on her Instagram profile to Hailey Bieber. She becomes the 1,432,988th young female Instagram’er to change her last name to Bieber. 

Walmart shoppers on social media called their Black Friday sales ‘chaos’ and criticized them for running out of hot merchandise like iPhones. Walmart said they tried to keep things organized, pairing off like-sized shoppers so they fought in their own weight class. 

The Ohio Supreme Court ruled the Cincinnati Reds do not have to pay a sales tax on the bobbleheads they give to fans for promotions. The Reds successfully argued fans already pay sales tax on tickets, and since the team sucks, they must be paying for the bobblehead. 

According to research published in journal Nature, a specific sugar molecule – mannose – slows the growth of cancer cells. Cancer treatment hospitals promptly raised the price of Cap’n Crunch w Mannose to $2,000/bowl. 

The mayor of Tijuana declared a humanitarian crisis as a group of 5,000 migrants fleeing Central America arrived in the city. He said Tijuana is not ready to handle so many broke men & women making irrational decisions this far ahead of Spring Break. 

A Florida woman who ordered a box of 500 worms for her pet lizard captured video of a woman stealing the parcel off of her doorstep. The woman with the lizard said the thief got ‘karma’, but the woman stealing the box said the jokes on her, because she works for a Worm Rescue. 

An American missionary was killed by a remote tribe of Sentinelese off the Bay of Bengal near India, who have little to no interactions with outsiders. The missionary was unsuccessful converting them to Christianity, but the tribe was successful converting the victim to soup. 

Amazon is making adjustments to help Alexa get ready for the holidays, updating her responses to include “can’t everybody just leave me ALONE for twenty goddamn minutes?!..”

Boston Celtics guard Kyrie Irving apologized for saying “F*ck Thanksgiving” after a home loss to the New York Knicks on Wednesday night. Irving said he gets how his words were perceived, but claims he was just discussing his plans for having groupies over to his house Thursday. 

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Disney’s Magic Kingdom released a new food item at Ariel’s Grotto – the mermaid donut. It’s a donut topped with icing, sprinkles, and white chocolate “treasures” including a mermaid’s tail in the center. It’s a great snack for rich creeps who want to overspend and put a mermaid’s tail in their mouth.

Two women on a Minnesota lake had to be rescued after they were stranded while riding an inflatable unicorn. The rescue was delayed until a rainbow could be set up for the unicorn to leap over to safety.

President Trump signed a new military spending bill at the conclusion of a visit to U.S. Army base Fort Drum. The bill was signed as a disappointed Trump learned it’s just a name, there really is no drum.

Trump visited Fort Drum even though Fort Dix is closer to his Bedminster, New Jersey golf course. Trump decided not to visit Fort Dix because he wanted to see women soldiers.

Trump later appeared at a GOP fundraising event in Utica, NY — surprising anyone who’s ever been to Utica, NY and thought it couldn’t possibly get any worse.

Kanye West released a new song where he says he has ‘four sisters-in-law he’d like to smash’.  “So do we!” said most Americans, interpreting “smash” differently.

Hailey Baldwin and fiancée Justin Bieber said they won’t get married until next year, or next month, or whichever one is, like, farther away.

A black bear made it through the automatic outer door of Crazy Bruce’s Liquor store in Bristol, CT, before an employee locked the inner door. The employee commented that they locked the door for safety, and because the bear was only 17.

Calvin Parker, a Mississippi native, released a new book: ‘Pascagoula–The Closest Encounter: My Story’ about his alleged abduction by aliens on October 11, 1973. UFO experts already cast doubt on the story’s truth, saying they doubt even aliens would look for intelligent life in Mississippi.

Officials in Paris are trying to do something about public urination by installing open air urinals. The move was applauded by dogs who can now take their drunken owners out for a walk.

South Korea is banning the sale of BMW vehicles due to a rash of reported engine fires; North Korea is banning them because nobody has any money.

 

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Starbucks pledged to eliminate plastic straws globally by 2020. Customers will be able to choose non-plastic straws, ‘strawless lids’, or having the barista just pour your drink down the front of your shirt and lap.

President Trump will name his newest nominee to the Supreme Court Monday night, at a televised press conference that is almost guaranteed to boost TV ratings for Monday Night Baseball.

A 55-year-old Florida man was arrested at a Chili’s restaurant in Vacaville, California for purposely exposing himself while seated at the bar. As he was led away in handcuffs, the man told officers “Chili’s in California are different than Florida.”

A missing 5-month-old infant was found buried alive under a pile of sticks in the Montana mountains. Police arrested the boyfriend of the baby’s mother for criminal endangerment, and also issued a court appearance citation to the beavers who own & operate Montana Mountain Child Care.

Justin Bieber is engaged to Hailey Baldwin. The couple confirmed the news on Instagram, will issue invitations on Instagram, marry on Instagram, and honeymoon on Instagram…but will probably be divorced in a Snap.

Tom Brady posted backyard video with his young son, showing his son attempting to catch him as he evades the son’s “pass rush” as the elder Brady wears a full helmet and pads. His son then hugs him, at which point Tom Brady yells at an off-camera official to call a late hit.

Costco is eliminating the Polish hot dog from its food court menu, causing customer outrage. A spokesman said the item created confusion with some of Costco’s dumber customers, who misread the sign and were arrested for indecency while polishing their hot dog.

Asian inventors released a video showing ‘Amphibio’, a large white mask for humans that they claim acts like a gill – allowing for underwater breathing, and for looking even more like an idiot when you drown .

Kim Kardashian visited a California women’s prison on Friday, meeting with 15 inmates to find out about their daily lives and their plans once they’re released.  Kardashian left with 14 marriage proposals, and 1 offer to smuggle in six kilos of heroin in her buttocks on her next visit.

Movie star heartthrob of the fifties and sixties Tab Hunter has died at age 86. No funeral arrangements have been announced, but the hope is that other actors will act as pallbearers to help pick up the Tab.