A fisherman in the UK caught the largest goldfish ever recorded at 67 pounds, then destroyed an entire floor of his house flushing it down the toilet.

Four teenage girls were rescued from a stuck roller coaster in Sacramento County, California. None of them bought the pictures after being rescued.

Reality TV stars Todd and Julie Chrisley were convicted on multiple fraud charges and sentenced to 12 and 7 years in prison, respectively. Sadly, no prison time was announced for the executives who put ‘Chrisley Knows Best‘ on the air.

At the FIFA World Cup, Saudi Arabia upset favorite Argentina 2-1, staving off their beheadings for at least a few more days.

After Qatar banned beer sales at World Cup stadiums, tournament sponsor Budweiser decided they’ll ship the surplus beer to the country that wins the tournament. It’s expected the country that wins will decide to send it to a third-world nation.

The National Park Service will rename the Indian Gardens portion of the Grand Canyon at the request of the native Havasupai Tribe. Starting in 2023, the area will be known as Cleveland Guardians Gardens.

Experts say Thanksgiving 2022 will be the most expensive travel holiday, with Americans paying some of the highest ticket prices ever for flights they hope will be cancelled.

A paddleboarder’s iPhone she’d lost in the ocean washed ashore 460 days later in perfect condition. She thanked the man who found it on the beach and contacted her, then deleted a bunch of lewd selfies of whale and shark genitals taken two weeks ago.

A viral video shows a man openly smoking a crack pipe on a New York City subway car. Then it shows other passengers asking to share it after someone broke out a guitar and started singing for tips.

An animal behaviorist claims the “mystery” of sheep walking in a circle for 12 days straight is frustration over being penned in. In other news. several dozen people have been walking in a circle for 10 days straight outside of a Walmart waiting for 4a.m. on Black Friday.

Dr. Dre’s estranged wife, Nicole, is charged with embezzling over $400,000 from him. Dre’s lawyers said the cash losses would only allow their client to make it drizzle.

Mayor of Anchorage, Alaska Ethan Berkowitz resigned after admitting to an inappropriate relationship with local news anchor Maria Athens. Athens would be on Berkowitz at 6pm, then look forward to seeing him again at 11.

A World War II-era bomb exploded underwater in Poland during an attempt to defuse it. A Polish bomb-squad frogman died trying to access the wires he needed to cut by repeatedly striking the bomb with a hammer.

Walmart is dividing its traditional Black Friday sales into three different online events: Trample Days; Fistfight Days; and Cyber Smash-n-Grab.

Nintendo introduced Mario Kart Live for Nintendo Switch — where Mario and friends race around the inside of your home until the cat or dog rips their heads off.

The U.S. and seven other countries agreed to NASA’s proposed rules for exploring the moon. They include not going in the lunar lander if there’s a necktie on the door handle.

Mars will be extra-bright in the Eastern sky tonight, meaning Martians will be extra-cranky tomorrow morning after trying to sleep with the lights on.

The CDC says ‘small family gatherings’ are helping fuel a surge in COVID-19 cases. They advise watching the 4 o’clock football games at home, and blowing off Sunday dinner at grandma’s.

Joe Biden and Donald Trump will each have televised town hall meetings on Thursday, Biden in Philadelphia and Trump in Miami. Biden’s will be called “Joe Biden Town Hall”, Trump’s will be called “Wasting Away Again in Coronaville”.

The New York Jets waived troubled running back Le’Veon Bell, but are still on the hook to pay him $27.5 million in Bell tolls.

Nike will no longer sell to Amazon. However, as part of its partnership with the WNBA, Nike will continue to provide footwear to Amazons.

The Centers for Disease Control say that anitbiotic-resistant “superbugs” killed 35,000 people last year. Among the worst are fungus Candida auris, and Herbie.

Pink announced she’s taking a break from music in 2020. Cardi B. announced she’s also taking a break from music, but will continue to produce and sell whatever you call her stuff.

Narwhal, a puppy with an extra tail growing out of his forehead, was surrendered to an animal rescue in Missouri. The puppy is otherwise perfectly normal, but gets frustrated by other puppies coming up and sniffing his mouth.

Motorola introduced its new folding 2019 Razr smartphone – it’s expected to be a hit with executive douchebags who perfected the 2005 angry snap-close cell phone hangup.

Google confirmed two rumors that it’s collecting Americans’ health data, and also issuing checking accounts. They say there’s no better time to collect overdraft fees for medical treatments people can’t afford.

Walmart released its Black Friday ad two weeks in advance, and somehow a dozen people were trampled to death going to Walmart’s website.

Caviar, a Russian luxury gadgets company, is selling a set of Apple AirPods Pro headphones covered in 18-karat gold for $67,000.  They make the perfect gift for the stylish rat who will wear them after they fall into the sewer.

Social network Peanut raised $5 million in venture funding. It’s a network for moms and women trying to conceive – not to be confused with Tinder, for women trying not to conceive.

A Michigan man taking wildlife photos captured a picture of a rare three-antlered deer. He found the deer drinking out of a public fountain in Flint.

Fox News retracted its story about a man claiming to be a Navy SEAL who had made a glass presidential sculpture for Donald Trump. The man was never a SEAL and most of his service medals were fake. Fox News apologized and said it was the most grievous error they’d made that day. 

Hailey Baldwin confirmed her marriage to Justin Bieber, changing the name on her Instagram profile to Hailey Bieber. She becomes the 1,432,988th young female Instagram’er to change her last name to Bieber. 

Walmart shoppers on social media called their Black Friday sales ‘chaos’ and criticized them for running out of hot merchandise like iPhones. Walmart said they tried to keep things organized, pairing off like-sized shoppers so they fought in their own weight class. 

The Ohio Supreme Court ruled the Cincinnati Reds do not have to pay a sales tax on the bobbleheads they give to fans for promotions. The Reds successfully argued fans already pay sales tax on tickets, and since the team sucks, they must be paying for the bobblehead. 

According to research published in journal Nature, a specific sugar molecule – mannose – slows the growth of cancer cells. Cancer treatment hospitals promptly raised the price of Cap’n Crunch w Mannose to $2,000/bowl. 

The mayor of Tijuana declared a humanitarian crisis as a group of 5,000 migrants fleeing Central America arrived in the city. He said Tijuana is not ready to handle so many broke men & women making irrational decisions this far ahead of Spring Break. 

A Florida woman who ordered a box of 500 worms for her pet lizard captured video of a woman stealing the parcel off of her doorstep. The woman with the lizard said the thief got ‘karma’, but the woman stealing the box said the jokes on her, because she works for a Worm Rescue. 

An American missionary was killed by a remote tribe of Sentinelese off the Bay of Bengal near India, who have little to no interactions with outsiders. The missionary was unsuccessful converting them to Christianity, but the tribe was successful converting the victim to soup. 

Amazon is making adjustments to help Alexa get ready for the holidays, updating her responses to include “can’t everybody just leave me ALONE for twenty goddamn minutes?!..”

Boston Celtics guard Kyrie Irving apologized for saying “F*ck Thanksgiving” after a home loss to the New York Knicks on Wednesday night. Irving said he gets how his words were perceived, but claims he was just discussing his plans for having groupies over to his house Thursday.