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The Seattle Storm swept the Washington Mystics in three games to win the best-of-5 WNBA Championship — stunning experts who thought the WNBA would have folded by now.

Consumer researcher The Harris Poll surveyed 77,000 Americans for opinions on 3,000 brands, and Taco Bell was named America’s “Best Mexican Restaurant”, edging out “That Sketchy Truck.”

Residents in Brookhaven, Long Island are outraged that someone mysteriously set up several vending machines labeled “Pens” that were actually selling crack pipes for two dollars each. The machines also outraged crackheads who couldn’t find dollar bills smooth enough to buy a “pen”.

Bookmakers in England are offering lower-than-even-money odds that Duchess Meghan Markle will become pregnant and deliver a baby in 2019 – and 1000:1 odds that Meghan’s father will send a cool baby gift.

President Trump accused the Democrats of inflating the Puerto Rico death toll — estimated around 2,900 — in the wake of Hurricane Maria. Democrats responded by saying they wouldn’t kid around about losing thousands of people who would help vote Trump out in 2020.

Rumors circulated that actor Henry Cavill is out as Superman in the DC Comics Cinematic Universe. Reporters attempted to locate Cavill to confirm the story, but couldn’t recognize him with his glasses on.

Georgia School for Innovation and the Classics – a public charter school serving kindergarten through sixth grade – is asking parents to approve “consent to paddle” forms so that teachers and administrators can spank misbehaving students. The school has future plans to open a high school, and receive an avalanche of resumes from male teachers.

Apple held a new product launch event on Wednesday, introducing three new iPhones, the XS, XS Max & XR.  All three will follow Apple’s warranty policy “You break it, you probably already bought it for at least $800.”

The Waffle House Storm Center is actively monitoring Hurricane Florence. The Waffle House Storm Index will monitor flooding in areas served by Waffle Houses, and flooding in rest rooms having to do with Waffle House food.

The owner of Atlantic City’s Ocean Resort Casino said he’ll offer free rooms to anyone fleeing Hurricane Florence who can prove they’re from a mandatory evacuation area. This, as guests at other Atlantic City hotels flee just because it’s Atlantic City.

 

 

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The World Health Organization reports that, by the end of the century, cancer will be the Number One cause of death globally — causing a huge sigh of relief from obese people with heart disease who misunderstood the report.

The 27th season cast of  ABC’s ‘Dancing With The Stars was revealed on Tuesday morning, including Bobby Bones; Tinashe; & ‘Grocery Store Joe’.  ABC also announced that for season 28, the show’s name will be changed to ‘Dancing With Whoever’s Left’.

President Trump called the U.S.’ disaster relief response to Hurricane Maria in Puerto Rico – where over 2,900 residents died – an ‘unsung success’. A day later, the President clarified that thousands of people would have sung about the great care they received, but they were dead.

Nancy Crampton-Brophy, a romance/suspense novelist who once wrote an essay entitled ‘How To Murder Your Husband’, was arrested and charged with killing her husband. Her defense attorney declined comment, but said privately that “you really need to admire her follow-through.”

Rapper/actor Bow Wow, commenting in the wake of the overdose death of rapper Mac Miller, admitted his past addiction to cough syrup. Bow Wow said that he drank ‘lean’ – a combination of promethazine/codeine-based syrup and soft drinks – every day, adding that he was originally prescribed the drugs for a severe kennel cough.

A study on Bankrate.com revealed that the lowest-income U.S. households spend $412 annually on lottery tickets, nearly four times the national average of $105. The same study reveals that persons living in these poor households are also four times more likely to contract carpal scratch-off syndrome.

Microsoft announced its Windows 10 operating system updates for October. The ‘Snipping Tool’ for screengrabs is being phased out, replaced by ‘Snip & Sketch’. CEO Satya Nadella praised the move, saying it saves users having to open a second program to draw penises on the faces captured onscreen.

Reverend Christian Ohazulume, a Roman Catholic priest, has been charged with sexually assaulting a young girl while staying in her family’s home in 2006.  Reached at the Vatican for comment, Pope Francis said “Girl? That’s different.”

Kim Kardashian’s new prank show, ‘You Kiddin’ Me?’, debuts on Facebook Live on September 22nd. The show displays the Kardashian/Jenner family playing practical jokes on each other while your personal data is stolen and sold.

Limp Bizkit frontman Fred Durst filed for divorce from his wife of six years, Kseniya. Durst cited irreconcilable differences, specifically, the inability to do it all for the nookie.

 

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Katelyn McClure and Mark D’Amico – accused of stealing from the $400,000 donations in the GoFundMe account they’d set up for Johnny Bobbitt, Jr, who’d helped a stranded McClure – will “likely” face criminal charges. McClure & D’Amico are exploring whether to set up another GoFundMe to donate money to a good lawyer.

A treasure of 300 Roman-era gold coins dating from 474 B.C. was found underneath an old Italian theater by a construction crew. One of the workers was hospitalized after attempting to eat the chocolate inside of one.

Evacuations are underway in the Carolinas as Hurricane Florence is estimated to be a Category 4 hurricane when it makes landfall…and trees fall…and just about everything fall.

President Trump spoke in Shanksville, PA at the September 11 memorial there for United Airlines Flight 93, calling the tragedy ‘a moment when America fought back’. Americans joined together in private reflection regarding that, and November, 2016, a tragedy remembered as ‘a moment when America gave up.’

In an interview with GQ magazine, Paul McCartney said that he, John Lennon and some friends were so bored in their pre-Beatles days that they would turn out the lights and masturbate at the same time. McCartney said it was around this time that he discovered he liked to play his instrument left-handed.

Rumors are circulating regarding a possible breakup between pro golfer Dustin Johnson and his fiancée, Paulina Gretzky. Johnson has been linked to a member of his home club, Yassie Safai. Safai may be driving a wedge between Johnson and Gretzky, while Johnson has yet to deny playing a 2nd hole.

Kourtney Kardashian shared a racy photo of herself in a Burberry bikini top, and claimed in a caption that she is able to maintain a body weight of 98 pounds by jumping on a box 30 times a day. In a related story, her sister Khloe’s cheating boyfriend Tristan Thompson said during Cleveland Cavaliers road trips, he jumps on up to 30 boxes a week.

A co-founder of Tek Dry, a company that dries out waterlogged personal electronics, says that the first thing you should do if your phone becomes wet is to shut it off until it’s dry. The second thing to do is get ready to answer 20 questions from your wife or girlfriend about why you weren’t answering your phone.

Educators are debating the need to have opioid-overdose-reducing drug Narcan in elementary schools. For use on the kids, anyway.

New research funded by venture capital billionaire Peter Thiel suggests that age-related illnesses could be lessened with transfusions of younger-persons’ blood. Thiel presented the findings in his basement, at 2a.m., while wearing a black cape.