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Apple is designing and shipping face shields for medical workers. If you drop and break it they charge $49 to fix it.

New York City schools banned Zoom videoconferencing by teachers, after some uninvited participants to classes showed nudes and other inappropriate content. Though some teachers admitted those were 1-on-1 tutoring sessions for football players.

A tiger at the Bronx Zoo tested positive for COVID-19. Two zoo workers died trying to put the test swab in its nose.

  • Penguins are reportedly furious they’re not big enough celebrities to get tested.

The Surgeon General called the week ahead the U.S.’ “Pearl Harbor moment”. Although, unlike Pearl Harbor, the President knew about this attack for weeks.

New studies reinforce evidence that pinkeye is a predictor for COVID-19 infection, but the CDC is waiting before advising Americans to wear masks on their butts.

Mike Pence’s wife Karen & daughter Charlotte published a children’s book about COVID-19 safety guidelines starring their pet rabbit, Marlon Bundo. Marlon talks about how he keeps six feet away from the gerbil that stays in Mike’s private office.

Singer Pink revealed she’s recovering from her own COVID-19 infection. Between the cough and fever, she thought about changing her name to Red.

Tesla showed off ventilators they’re building using their proprietary technology. They allow patients to remove themselves from the ventilator long enough to brag about having a Tesla.

Nintendo is responding to complaints that Animal Crossing: New Horizons players are finding too many eggs in the game’s ‘Bunny Day’ event. A Nintendo spokesman said ordinarily they’d tell players to “get a life”, but admit nobody can right now.

Etsy is telling its sellers of cloth masks not to make assurances they provide protection against COVID-19. Same goes for those selling homemade condoms.

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Mike Bloomberg’s presidential campaign has reportedly hired a comedy writer to punch up his material. No one knows the writer’s identity, but Bloomberg’s campaign slogan has changed from ‘Mike Will Get It Done’ to ‘Mike Will GIT ‘ER DONE!’

The White House has reportedly demanded that all communications related to coronavirus actions be routed through VP Mike Pence. In turn, he is required to route all communications through Head Coronavirus Prayer Warrior Karen Pence.

Chinese swimming champion Sun Yang has been banned from the sport for eight years over doping violations. Other swimmers are concerned the water will be cold without Sun hitting it.

  • Reached for comment about Sun Yang’s ban, China’s President Xi Jinping said “Yeah, we kinda have a bigger problems right now..”

A ‘Wheel Of Fortune’ contestant solved the puzzle ‘A PLACE LIKE NO OTHER’ with only the letters N and T showing. Wheel Of Fortune superfans wished that they, too, knew how to read.

Taylor Swift released a new video for her song ‘The Man’, in which she appears dressed as a bearded man in a suit. She was promptly praised by feminists and forced to apologize to transgender males.

A boat used for the Disney World Jungle Cruise ride sank in shallow water while filled with passengers. No one was injured, except for bites from ducks Huey, Dewey & Louie.

A lesbian teacher in Texas, suspended for showing students a picture of her future wife, won a $100,000 settlement with her school district – equal to ten times her annual salary.

A 39-year-old woman wearing a Cookie Monster costume was found passed out behind the wheel of her car and was treated with Narcan for a suspected heroin overdose. She was rushed to a local hospital, where her visit was sponsored by the letters N and H.

South Korea leads the world in male beauty treatment, with 75% of men getting a grooming or beauty treatment at least once a week. The remaining 25% have not yet joined a boy band.

This week the National Football League holds its Rookie Combine workouts in Indianapolis. In addition to sprinting, high jumping and bench-presses, this year each athlete is repeatedly struck in the head with a frying pan to gauge how many hits they can take before self-reporting a concussion.

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An elderly couple with 60 lbs of marijuana told arresting officers that the weed was for Xmas gifts. “Better let Santa take care of it, then!”, said a white-bearded obese cop before the evidence vanished.

The original Papa John, John Schnatter, is out as company CEO. He’ll be replaced by the COO, who promises to do just as good a job kissing Peyton Manning’s ass.

Darryl Strawberry said that he had sex during Mets games. Usually after both he and Lenny Dykstra had struck out.

A hotel charged guests $350 after they left bad online reviews, so the Indiana state Attorney General is suing on their behalf. Motel 6, we’ll leave the grudge on for you.

Mark Hamill, displeased with his character’s storyline in The Last Jedi, said of it “He’s not my Luke Skywalker”. Replied Disney CEO Robert Iger “He sure isn’t!” before placing a Storm Trooper helmet on his naked body and rolling around in his multi-million dollar Xmas bonus.

The United Nations imposed new sanctions on North Korea for their repeated tests of nuclear missiles. The rules include cutbacks on refined oil imports and reduced imports of other goods. The U.N. rejected U.S. Ambassador Nikki Haley’s suggestion of “no Playstation for a week”, while noting her comment that it always gets her kids’ attention.

Apple admitted to slowing down the performance of older iPhones to match degradation in battery life. Apple is being sued by several groups, including a group of iPhone 5 owners who say the Pokemon just expose themselves and give them the finger, knowing they’ll never be caught.

A winter storm is expected to move eastward and snarl land and air traffic on Christmas Eve; creating a lot of anxiety in the wake of Rudolph’s suspension for inappropriate contact with Clarice.

U.S. Border Patrol agents are furious after finding out that they unwittingly provided security for the wedding of a convicted U.S. citizen drug smuggler to his Mexican bride. Agents became suspicious when she was ‘given away’ by El Chapo, and when guests showered the newlyweds in crystal meth.

Vice President Mike Pence made a surprise visit to Afghanistan. He called his wife back home, and she reportedly expressed concern that the women there were showing a lot of eyehole.

 

 

 

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Apple unveiled its latest round of new emoji, including a breastfeeding mom and a woman in a headscarf. Mike Pence’s wife Karen immediately took away his iPhone.

  • Other additions include a “mind blown” face, and a face spewing green vomit, part of the “Make America Great Again” emoji bundle.

This week is “Made In America” week as declared by President Trump, with all states sending items to The White House that were made in that state. Georgia sent food from Chick Fil A, and Arizona sent golf clubs from PING Golf – at which point the President told all the remaining states not to bother.

  • New York and the District of Columbia sent their latest creations – fact-based stories from the New York Times and Washington Post about Trump & Russia.

Over the weekend, Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau met a 2 month old baby, born to Syrian refugees living in Canada, named Justin-Trudeau Adam Bilau, as he attended a rodeo in Calgary. Meanwhile last June, Donald Trump met a 39 year old baby named Donald Trump Jr, born to one of his ex-wives, right after he conferenced with Russian operatives in New York.

President Trump’s overall job approval rating dropped to 38%, the lowest of any President six months in to his term recorded in the last hundred years. Trump criticized the poll and said he was waiting for Nielsen ratings.

Subway announced they’re looking to freshen up the appearance of their stores to help halt declining sales. Subway’s CEO said that they require franchisees to update their facilities every 7 to 10 years, and update their meat & rolls every 10 to 15 years.

O.J. Simpson’s parole hearing is scheduled for this Thursday. If granted, O.J. is eligible for release on October 1st, and available for cameos in Adam Sandler movies on October 2nd.

A stunt man fell to his death on the set of The Walking Dead. He was recast an hour later as an extra.

Honda released its newly-redesigned 2018 Honda Accord sedan. “Cool!” said your Dad.

A million dollars worth of marijuana was found in spare tire compartments of Ford Fusions assembled in Mexico. The DEA is investigating, but meanwhile Ford is reporting record sales of the Fusion Special El Chapo Edition.

Ed Sheeran made a cameo appearance on the season premiere of Game of Thrones, playing a soldier leading other soldiers in a singalong…until a guy came along and changed the station to a different group of soldiers.