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TikTok removed 7 million accounts of underage users. “TikTok sucks” said pedophiles.

A boy was bitten by a shark at a Boy Scout camp near Catalina Island, California. The boy is recovering, and the shark received its Biting Children merit badge.

Trump Organization Chief Financial Officer Allen Weisselberg was indicted on tax evasion charges. As evidence, the New York District Attorney submitted Weisselberg’s resume, where in the Skills section he listed Tax Evasion.

Joe Biden is expected is to meet with rescue teams at the fallen Champlain Towers condo building in Miami, then he’ll meet with EMTs to fix whatever happens to him as he walks across the rubble.

China’s President Xi Jinping said that those who attempt to bully China will face “broken heads and bloodshed” – in what’s being called “the weirdest anti-bullying speech ever”.

Conservative commenter Meghan McCain is leaving ‘The View’. ABC executives reportedly begged her to stay, saying their effort to find another entitled conservative blowhard could be as difficult as asking for Ivanka Trump’s phone number.

85 children and staffers contracted COVID-19 at a summer camp that didn’t require masks or check vaccine status. Officials indefinitely postponed Color War at Camp Delta Variant.

TikTok is expanding video length to three minutes. Now you can watch baby boomers cringeworthy videos, then see them take two minutes figuring out how to end it.

Bill Cosby was released from prison due to a legal technicality. Cosby’s lawyers then spent the rest of the day fielding 50 calls from Harvey Weinstein.

The Los Angeles Police Bomb Squad detonated 5,000 pounds of illegal fireworks in a so-called “containment truck”, which blew up the truck. Now they have to find a new truck to blow up in the July 4th parade.

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Italy declared a complete lockdown over the coronavirus. France declared a complete surrender.

Approximately 3,500 French people dressed in blue paint and white hats, breaking the world record for largest Gathering of the Smurfs. It was 3,499 drunk men and one truly terrifed Smurfette.

China’s leader Xi Jinping toured the country’s Wuhan region as a way to restore Chinese citizens confidence in government’s management of coronavirus. Despite there being no traffic, his motorcade driver caused a five-car pileup.

New York Governor Andrew Cuomo enlisted prisoners to produce a low-cost hand sanitizer due to a shortage. However, the prisoners say they’re running out of room in their toilets to make it.

Supermodel Paulina Porizkova, 54, shared a bikini photo taken on a Costa Rica vacation. Porizkova – widow of deceased Cars frontman Ric Ocasek – said ” ‘You Might Think’ you have a chance, but you don’t”

A female Komodo dragon with no male partner gave birth to three hatchlings at Chattanooga Zoo via parthenogenesis, where a female’s egg is self-fertilized without sperm. The single Komodo mom has already started a blog about her journey.

Waxworms, which normally live in beehives and eat wax, have shown in a lab environment that they’ll also eat plastic bags. As bee populations drop, waxworm families will qualify for a federal program to relocate them to landfills.

Nintendo mobile game Mario Kart Tour launched its multiplayer mode, so now you can race against others while you’re behind the wheel of your real car in traffic.

Billie Eilish, who ordinarily wears only baggy clothes in public, showed images of her wearing just a bra during a musical interlude at her Miami concert. The images, accompanied by a poem Eilish wrote, were applauded equally by feminists and perverts.

Wheel of Fortune and Jeopardy will do away with studio audiences over coronavirus concerns. Jeopardy is considering a laugh track to play after contestants share their boring, unfunny getting-to-know-you introduction stories.

 

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Mike Bloomberg’s presidential campaign has reportedly hired a comedy writer to punch up his material. No one knows the writer’s identity, but Bloomberg’s campaign slogan has changed from ‘Mike Will Get It Done’ to ‘Mike Will GIT ‘ER DONE!’

The White House has reportedly demanded that all communications related to coronavirus actions be routed through VP Mike Pence. In turn, he is required to route all communications through Head Coronavirus Prayer Warrior Karen Pence.

Chinese swimming champion Sun Yang has been banned from the sport for eight years over doping violations. Other swimmers are concerned the water will be cold without Sun hitting it.

  • Reached for comment about Sun Yang’s ban, China’s President Xi Jinping said “Yeah, we kinda have a bigger problems right now..”

A ‘Wheel Of Fortune’ contestant solved the puzzle ‘A PLACE LIKE NO OTHER’ with only the letters N and T showing. Wheel Of Fortune superfans wished that they, too, knew how to read.

Taylor Swift released a new video for her song ‘The Man’, in which she appears dressed as a bearded man in a suit. She was promptly praised by feminists and forced to apologize to transgender males.

A boat used for the Disney World Jungle Cruise ride sank in shallow water while filled with passengers. No one was injured, except for bites from ducks Huey, Dewey & Louie.

A lesbian teacher in Texas, suspended for showing students a picture of her future wife, won a $100,000 settlement with her school district – equal to ten times her annual salary.

A 39-year-old woman wearing a Cookie Monster costume was found passed out behind the wheel of her car and was treated with Narcan for a suspected heroin overdose. She was rushed to a local hospital, where her visit was sponsored by the letters N and H.

South Korea leads the world in male beauty treatment, with 75% of men getting a grooming or beauty treatment at least once a week. The remaining 25% have not yet joined a boy band.

This week the National Football League holds its Rookie Combine workouts in Indianapolis. In addition to sprinting, high jumping and bench-presses, this year each athlete is repeatedly struck in the head with a frying pan to gauge how many hits they can take before self-reporting a concussion.