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Frontier Airlines announced plans to double in size. The low-cost carrier will service dozens of new cities, and add hundreds of new jobs losing baggage.

Donald Trump met with GOP Senators, urging them not to recess until they’d solved health care. Trump added “inaction is not an option” – which came as news not just to GOP Senators, but to every Congressperson, ever.

  • One Senator, hearing the President say “not to leave town” and “inaction is an option” quickly drafted a bill proposing a Monument to Irony.

A doctor in the U.K. examining a woman for cataracts instead found 27 contact lenses under her eyelid. The woman was able to save a lot of money on unnecessary cataract surgery and contact lens solution.

  • Her eyeball was found in a contact lens case on the woman’s nightstand.

‘Despacito’ broke the record for most-streamed song ever, with 4.6 billion streams, and 8.6 billion skips.

Robbers stole two blocks of award-winning vintage cheddar cheese from a farm show in southern England. The robbers are still at large, and Scotland Yard has beefed up security at area cracker factories.

WalMart is deploying a facial recognition system to detect unhappy shoppers in its stores. The system overloaded and crashed within a minute of launch.

  • Asked how it works, a WalMart developer said “it just takes everyone’s picture.”

Frances Gabe of Portland, OR, inventor of the world’s only self-cleaning house, died at age 101. Her house immediately quit.

Muppet Studios has finally spoken about the reasons given for firing Steve Whitmire, longtime voice of Kermit the Frog, saying that Whitmire displayed “unacceptable business conduct.” Whitmire called the firing a “betrayal”, and cited decades of verbal abuse by a blond pig.

Samsung launched its Bixby voice assistant to compete with Siri, Cortana & Google Voice. Samsung says that Bixby is good at responding to normal tasks, such as “Bixby read my texts..Bixby turn up the volume..Bixby call the fire department.”

Rosie O’Donnell angered conservatives by tweeting a game where you can make President Trump jump off a cliff. The developer promised an update where you can make Trump and Rosie jump while holding hands.

The U.S.’ second-highest ranking general has warned about threats to U.S. interests from rogue killer robots, many of which already have jobs at Amazon.

A new study indicates that Americans are having less sex than in the 90s – possibly because they’re 20 years older and not as hot looking.

Disney’s live action adaptation of Aladdin faces criticism for not hiring an Arab actress to play Jasmine. Disney replied, saying all of the Arab actresses are stuck at the airport.

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President Trump was criticized for comments about French First Lady Brigitte Macron’s figure, telling her “you’re in such great shape.” Ms. Macron was said to have replied “thanks! You too-…uh…I mean nice suit!”

  • In turn, French President Macron said to First Lady Melania Trump “how the hell did you end up with this guy?”

Trump tweeted that he was leaving Paris and would attend the U.S. Women’s Open golf tourney at Trump National Golf Club in New Jersey — leading to many rounds breaking pace-of-play records by women wanting to get off the course before he arrived.

  • Trump is expected to ask the LPGA Tour’s many Asian players for their help with North Korea.
  • Past champion Michelle Wie withdrew from the tourney, citing a neck injury, and possible injury from Trump’s never-ending handshakes.

Texas passed a new law permitting ‘open carry’ of knives with blades over 5.5 inches, a move applauded by the state’s many Samurai Cowboys.

President Jimmy Carter was hospitalized, then released, for dehydration after collapsing at a Habitat for Humanity home construction site in Winnipeg. The job foreman praised the 92 year-old for his hard work, before assigning him a double-shift to make up for lost time.

Chinese scientists reportedly conducted the first successful “teleportation” experiment – sending information from a proton in the Gobi Desert to a satellite. The work is being called a breakthrough — as the first time Chinese scientists entered the Gobi Desert.

Tom Brady and Gisele Bundchen were approved for memberships to the exclusive Country Club at Brookline. Club officials delayed the approval two years, citing concerns about member privacy, and cheating with deflated volleyballs at the club picnic.

Nordstrom’s website crashed during their big annual Anniversary Sale. Executives apologized and told frustrated shoppers it was more fun to slug it out in person, anyway.

Social Security beneficiaries are projected to receive a 2.2% cost of living increase next year. So now’s the time to hit up Gramma for that new bike.

Beyonce posted the first photos of twins Rumi and Sir Carter on Instagram. Bey is pictured cradling the two infants in front of a huge floral arrangement; the twins are pictured cradling iPhones and money.

A worker trapped in a room behind an ATM passed “Help Me” notes to ATM users to help facilitate his escape. Several of the customers thought the notes were either a joke, or a cruel comment about their measly checking account balance.

Taylor Swift ended a months-long Instagram absence with a congratulatory post for her BFF Selena Gomez’s new single. Swift has kept most of her followers during her break, who have stayed out of fear they’d get a mean song written about them if they left.

Muppet Studios fired the voice actor who has portrayed Kermit the Frog for the last 27 years. The actor, Steve Whitmire, said he’s devastated, that it’s not easy losing all that green.