President Joe Biden was heckled by Republican lawmakers during his State Of The Union address – once when suggesting the GOP wants to end Social Security & Medicare, and again when he asked “anybody here from out of town?”

A Pennsylvania court ruled the state’s public school funding system unconstitutional, saying lower-income districts aren’t adequately funded because of lower property tax revenue. No solution was given, but ideas include a sales tax on prostitution, and collecting a $50 fee for carjacking licenses.

TSA agents at Philadelphia Airport stopped a man with a loaded handgun and dozens of bullets in his carry-on bag. Then they realized he was ticketed on Spirit Airlines and allowed him to proceed.

A former American Idol contestant started a class-action lawsuit claiming she, and other, contestants were paid nothing for eight consecutive 15-hour days of work. So far, the plaintiff class has 400 former participants, but not William Hung or the ‘Pants On The Ground’ guy.

Zoom is laying off 1,500 employees. Terminated workers were notified twice – the first time the human resources person was on mute.

A former Victoria’s Secret store manager said they’re not allowed to confront shoplifters. The policy is for their own safety, and because of lawsuits when managers wrongly demanded shoppers hand over their underwear.

Retired porn star Ron Jeremy was committed to a California state mental hospital, after being declared f*ckin’ nuts.

Animal welfare officials in Nevada found a domesticated dog had been taken in and cared for by a pack of coyotes. The dog is now at a local animal hospital and listed in stable condition after treatment for falling anvil and jet pack injuries.

19-year-old Eden Polani, rumored to be dating 48-year-old Leonardo DiCaprio, deleted her Instagram account. She is reportedly upset with the backlash over comments from her 230,000 followers, most of whom are also 40+ creeps but with less money.

A toddler had to be rescued after her head became stuck in an angel food cake pan. The pan was cut free, and her face was iced down because the cake hadn’t cooled yet.

Madonna turned 62 – but may wait the extra five years before collecting Social Security.

Greenland’s ice shelf has melted to the point where it now looks like Iceland.

A woman slapped an American Airlines gate agent after refusing to wear a face mask. She’s been banned for life from American Airlines, and welcomed with open arms on Spirit Airlines.

Donald Trump’s younger brother, Robert, passed away at a hospital in New York City. Donald visited him on Saturday to collect his absentee ballot before he went golfing.

Walmart is converting its parking lots into free drive-in movie theaters, at least until someone shoplifts the movies.

Scientists are concerned that air conditioning systems may be spreading coronavirus. Not cool.

A Catholic priest in Malawi reportedly impregnated 30 nuns. Everyone involved said it was “all-in-all, a pretty memorable Easter weekend”.

Japanese scientists discovered a new breed of worm. They plan to show it to the general public in weird Japanese porno movies.

A Tokyo architect created public restrooms with transparent walls. They’re free to use, and 1,000 yen to watch.

A home listed for sale at $350,000 in Fayette, Missouri has two bedrooms, two bathrooms, and a 9-cell jail in the basement. The seller is ‘a guy who’s been banned for life from Tinder’.

Australian scientists warn against “bare bottom farting” due to potential spread of aerosolized feces containing coronavirus. Their claim was made from the most unpleasant research laboratory in the country. [story h/t to J.O.]

The United States is monitoring intelligence that Kim Jong Un is in severely failing health following surgery. North Korea’s state news agency reported the firing squad death of the country’s top liposuction doctor.

Officials from Disney World have joined a Florida task force to reopen the state economy. The benefit of their participation is in question, since they aren’t allowed to speak and can only pose for pictures.

A woman in a wheelchair is suing Disney World, saying she was injured on the park’s ‘Frozen’ ride – claiming she’s now Frozen stiff.

The Buffalo Bills are one of three NFL teams holding virtual workouts for draft prospects. The prospects call the virtual workouts “the best way to visit Buffalo”.

Tom Brady was asked to leave a closed public park in Tampa where he was exercising. Tampa police thanked anonymous tipster “Bill B” for the video surveillance.

A Texas emergency room doctor is self-quarantining in his kids’ backyard treehouse. So far, a dozen patients died because he couldn’t be reached via the tin can with a string on it.

Some concert goers are mad because they hold tickets to concerts designated as “postponed” instead of “cancelled”, so they can’t get refunds. “I need that money for chicken nuggets and juice boxes, goddamnit” said a Wiggles fan.

Senior citizens collecting Social Security via direct deposit can expect to see their government stimulus money this week, followed by their first-ever video calls from grandchildren asking to borrow it.

An animal sancutary in California lets companies pay for farm animals to join video business meetings. Workers say the animals’ presence is relaxing, and three separate goats say they’ve been offered executive positions at cable & internet companies. [story h/t to E.K.]

National Geographic published an article revealing that hibernating animals like bears and sloths don’t actually sleep – they enter a state of depressed metabolism called ‘torpor’, where they reduce heart rate, breathing, and reactivate their Netflix accounts.

The Social Security Administration announced benefits will increase 2% in 2018, as retirees flood jewelry stores to order gold chains with their grandkids’ initials encrusted in diamonds.

Iraqi forces state that they’ve taken key areas in the Northern city of Kirkuk from Islamic State. “We hope to go where no Iraqi has gone before in years” said military leader Captain Kirkuk.

Security experts have identified a dangerous wifi security flaw, KRACK [Key Reinstallation Attack] that allows hackers to intercept communications sent via wifi. Android devices are especially vulnerable – President Trump’s phone has reportedly been hacked, but data pirates have been unable to find a buyer for Candy Crush scores and draft tweets about the NFL.

Facebook is reportedly seeking to hire employees with National Security clearances, in order to mitigate political manipulation. Jared Kushner then submitted his application containing 100 errors and an inactive email address.

Kevin James opened up on why his sitcom ‘Kevin Can Wait’ killed off his wife’s character for season two, despite no one asking.

CEO Jack Dorsey announced that Twitter will launch new rules focusing on “unwanted sexual advances, non-consensual nudity, hate symbols, violent groups, and tweets that glorifies violence.” Creeps, terrorists and hate groups said they’re looking into Snapchat.

Colin Kaepernick filed a grievance alleging collusion among NFL owners for refusing to hire him. His grievance was filed after the Tennessee Titans signed free agent and former first-round flop Brandon Weeden to a backup role after discovering him with his head stuck in the posts of a wrought iron fence.

A Nature Communications study states that for every additional 2.2 pounds gained, overweight people cut their life expectancy by 7 months. Overweight people said it’s a risk they’re willing to take, not knowing if McRib will still be available in 7 months.

A Napa valley couple survived area wildfires burning around them by staying in a neighbor’s pool for six hours. They promised the neighbor they’d return to clean the pool.

Bruce Arena resigned as U.S. Men’s National Team soccer coach after failing to qualify for the 2018 World Cup. Arena collected his belongings, which included a gift basket of items made by merchants in Trinidad and Tobago.

President Trump was criticized for comments about French First Lady Brigitte Macron’s figure, telling her “you’re in such great shape.” Ms. Macron was said to have replied “thanks! You too-…uh…I mean nice suit!”

  • In turn, French President Macron said to First Lady Melania Trump “how the hell did you end up with this guy?”

Trump tweeted that he was leaving Paris and would attend the U.S. Women’s Open golf tourney at Trump National Golf Club in New Jersey — leading to many rounds breaking pace-of-play records by women wanting to get off the course before he arrived.

  • Trump is expected to ask the LPGA Tour’s many Asian players for their help with North Korea.
  • Past champion Michelle Wie withdrew from the tourney, citing a neck injury, and possible injury from Trump’s never-ending handshakes.

Texas passed a new law permitting ‘open carry’ of knives with blades over 5.5 inches, a move applauded by the state’s many Samurai Cowboys.

President Jimmy Carter was hospitalized, then released, for dehydration after collapsing at a Habitat for Humanity home construction site in Winnipeg. The job foreman praised the 92 year-old for his hard work, before assigning him a double-shift to make up for lost time.

Chinese scientists reportedly conducted the first successful “teleportation” experiment – sending information from a proton in the Gobi Desert to a satellite. The work is being called a breakthrough — as the first time Chinese scientists entered the Gobi Desert.

Tom Brady and Gisele Bundchen were approved for memberships to the exclusive Country Club at Brookline. Club officials delayed the approval two years, citing concerns about member privacy, and cheating with deflated volleyballs at the club picnic.

Nordstrom’s website crashed during their big annual Anniversary Sale. Executives apologized and told frustrated shoppers it was more fun to slug it out in person, anyway.

Social Security beneficiaries are projected to receive a 2.2% cost of living increase next year. So now’s the time to hit up Gramma for that new bike.

Beyonce posted the first photos of twins Rumi and Sir Carter on Instagram. Bey is pictured cradling the two infants in front of a huge floral arrangement; the twins are pictured cradling iPhones and money.

A worker trapped in a room behind an ATM passed “Help Me” notes to ATM users to help facilitate his escape. Several of the customers thought the notes were either a joke, or a cruel comment about their measly checking account balance.

Taylor Swift ended a months-long Instagram absence with a congratulatory post for her BFF Selena Gomez’s new single. Swift has kept most of her followers during her break, who have stayed out of fear they’d get a mean song written about them if they left.

Muppet Studios fired the voice actor who has portrayed Kermit the Frog for the last 27 years. The actor, Steve Whitmire, said he’s devastated, that it’s not easy losing all that green.