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In the wake of the Las Vegas shooting, Hilton and Disney hotels changed their Do Not Disturb policies, saying that employees will enter every guest room at least once a day. They’ll also add a $10/item fee for bellhop assistance taking guns to rooms.

The City of Philadelphia is considering cancelling their annual New Year’s Day Mummers Parade due to extreme cold, and to give the Mummers time to recover from frostbite and hangovers they get from attending the Eagles home game the day before.

France is considering expanding the Champagne region borders, and with it, the designation of wineries that can officially call their sparking wine “Champagne”. This will be a welcome economic boost to the Champagne border towns of Ventelay and Ice d’Smirnoff.

Combined box office revenues for Star Wars ‘The Last Jedi’; ‘The Force Awakens’; and ‘Rogue One’ have surpassed the $4 Billion price tag that Disney studios paid to acquire Lucasfilm. In less encouraging news, Disney CEO Bob Iger said they’ve not yet seen similar returns on the $75 it paid to acquire the Ernest universe from the estate of Jim Varney.

President Trump tweeted about poll results giving him a 47% approval rating – the same as Obama’s first presidential year – which aired on Fox And Friends. The Rasmussen poll surveyed 1,000 households, one on Pennsylvania Avenue, and 999 in Trump Tower and Russia.

President Trump also said that Amazon is underpaying the U.S. Postal Service, making the Post Office “dumber and poorer”. Amazon fired back, showing the Christmas card Trump left for his mailman with no tip in it.

Cleaning crews at three high-end hotels in China were caught on hidden camera using toilet brushes to clean the drinking glasses in guest rooms. Each hotel has been fined, despite receiving positive TripAdvisor feedback from cats and dogs reviewing their stays.

Work crews took down the lettering at the Trump SoHo Hotel in New York City as part of a name change. Owners are hoping that occupancy improves under its new name, The Barack.

A Houston man was arrested in the murder of his girlfriend, who police say was nearly decapitated with a samurai sword. “Nearly? Focus!” said the man’s samurai master.

Apple responded to being outed over its practice of slowing down older iPhone performance by cutting replacement battery prices from $79 to $29….plus a $49 tip for the douchebag at the Genius Bar.

Meghan Markle gives advice to women via quotes that appear in the new book ‘Game Changers: Success Secrets From 40 Women At The Top’. Among them “don’t give it five minutes if you can’t give it five years.” Women reading the quote paused, then continued masturbating.

 

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Marilou Danley, girlfriend of Las Vegas mass shooter Stephen Paddock, released a statement calling Paddock “a kind, quiet caring man”. Danley’s family released a statement calling Marilou “not great at reading people”.

A Florida woman was charged with felony fraud for repeatedly putting glass shards in her food and cutting her mouth to get free meals at restaurants. Police reported that she perpetrated the scam at 11 restaurants in 11 days – succeeding everywhere but Old Country Buffet, where she was 10th in line for medical attention.

Archaeologists in Turkey are claiming to have discovered the tomb of Saint Nicholas, as well as several thousand tombs of tiny elves.

Japanese Public Broadcasting network NHK said that labor officials concluded a 31 year-old employee died from heart failure caused by overwork. NHK said Miwa Sado had logged 159 hours of overtime in the month before her death and, worse, didn’t get a single person to donate to their pledge drive.

Google unveiled its new Pixel 2 smartphones. They’re including a new feature called Lens – where you point your camera at something to get more information about it. So you can point at a dog to see what breed it is, or point it at a person to see if they have sex on the first date or get their Social Security number.

The National Hockey League kicked off its 100th season. Several teams invited legendary players to pregame ceremonies at center ice to drop their teeth.

ProPublica reports that many cash-strapped cities are paying for-profit charter schools fees for students who never attend. Conversely, tobacco companies are enjoying record truancy for students they’re paying to smoke in the woods next to the charter schools.

The American Automobile Association (AAA) Foundation for Traffic Safety cites in-car infotainment systems as a growing cause of accidents, and released its list of the most-distracting vehicle systems. Topping the list is the Audi Q7 QPP, whose screen allows GPS programming on the fly and one-touch German porn.

President Trump and First Lady Melania returned from Las Vegas. Trump will  focus on progress for tax reform, and Melania will be busy picking out shoes for the next disaster.

British author Kazuo Ishiguro won the Nobel Prize for literature. The Nobel academy described his work as a ‘mix of Jane Austen and Kafka..with a little bit of Marcel Proust’. Meaning, you’ll never read any of his books.