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Walmart supervisors are taking worker temperatures to keep stores and warehouses free of COVID-19. So far, over a hundred robots were sent home after overheating while restocking toilet paper.

Fitbit announced its latest fitness tracker, the Charge 4. It adds GPS functionality so you can more accurately count those five steps between the recliner and the refrigerator.

Alcohol sales increased 55% year-over-year as people stockpiled booze during the coronavirus outbreak. DUI arrests are down, although cops say it’s a lot easier to spot the swerving cars on empty roads.

T-Mobile announced the completion of its merger with Sprint.  “Can you hire me now?” said the unemployed Sprint guy who used to be the Verizon guy.

Comet C/2019 Y4 ATLAS,  five times the size of Jupiter – and about half the size of the Sun – will light up the night sky as it passes Earth in late April. It was to be joined by a second comet, but that one is staying the required six light years away until April 30th.

April 1st is National Census Day. Michelle Obama, Tom Hanks, Lin-Manuel Miranda and others are urging citizens to make sure that they’re counted, even though average schmoes won’t ever count as much as big celebrities.

Donald Trump said the U.S. Government is ‘holding back’ some ventilators in anticipation of a surge in coronavirus infections, or in case he has to walk up a flight of stairs.

Burger King is bringing back its half-pound Big King XL Burger this week – despite protests saying the health care system is already overwhelmed.

Videoconference tool Zoom has a feature that alerts bosses when participants aren’t paying attention in meetings. It tracks participant eye movement, and listens for porn on the iPad next to your laptop.

Speculation is that men are at a higher risk for coronavirus because they’re much less likely to wash their hands – as evidenced by surveys, and women seeing their boyfriend’s greasy fingerprints on their breasts and buttocks.

 

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Researchers at MIT have created tiny transforming robots, called ‘Primers’, outfitted with exoskeletons that change shape — allowing them to swim, walk, roll, glide..and star in at least five terrible movies.

According to a new survey from YouGov Omnibus, half of American adults believe having sex with robots will become common in the next 50 years; and 80% of Japanese adults believe having sex with robots will become common in the next 30 minutes.

Comedian DL Hughley said on his radio show that it’s easier to buy 10 guns than it is to buy two packs of Sudafed. An NRA spokesman replied, saying that’s because guns are proven to be more effective at clearing nasal congestion.

President Trump hosted a meeting at the White House to commemorate October as Hispanic Heritage Month. He asked if any of the Hispanic women in attendance had breast cancer so he could knock out two meetings at once.

Sesame Street launched new video tools to help children coping with trauma, starting with “Elmo Totally Just Can’t Even Right Now” and “Oscar The Grouch Wasn’t Carrying Flood Insurance“.

The Supreme Court ruled that employers can’t be forced to cover birth control as part of their health insurance offerings, so if you have your eye on that hot cashier at Hobby Lobby, budget for condoms.

AOL Instant Messenger will shut down for good in December, feted with a gala sendoff from sex cam models who retired on the money they made there.

Netflix is raising prices on its flagship service from $11.99/month to $13.99/month; in a move expected to draw outrage from cord-cutting millennials who spend $5/day on coffee.

Top CIA officials were quoted this week saying that North Korea’s Kim Jong Un is a ‘rational actor’ with ‘long term goals’ – and that he is ‘not crazy’. Asked if they were willing to say the same things about President Trump, they looked at their phones and said they had to take a call.

Lin Manuel-Miranda is set to release a new song ‘Almost Like Praying’ to benefit Puerto Rico disaster relief.  You have to wait six months to hear it at a cost of $500.