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A self-described transgender vampire was convicted in Wisconsin of sexual assault. Sentencing is scheduled next month for Countess Dracula.

Donald Trump’s social media platform Truth Social will start a streaming tv channel. They’ll air Trump rallies and felony trials in between JAG & NCIS reruns.

A former prosecutor told CNN he worries about the safety of jurors in Trump’s NYC hush money felony trial – especially since they’ll be sequestered at Trump’s Bedminister, New Jersey hotel & golf club.

Drug maker Eli Lilly claims their weight loss drug Zepbound also reduces sleep apnea – mostly because people lose enough belly fat that they can finally sleep face down if they want.

Hollywood producer Carol Baum said she “doesn’t get” it-girl actress Sydney Sweeney, saying she’s “not pretty” and “can’t act”. ….. “Yeah, we don’t care” said male Hollywood producers.

Phoenix, Arizona is holding a tree planting drive, as average temperatures approach 100 degrees. Organizers say they expect shade from the trees to pay off after everyone planting them has been dead for twenty years.

A snake slithering through a passenger car on one of Japan’s bullet trains caused a 17-minute stoppage in the trip from Tokyo to Osaka. The snake was captured and returned to the kitchen so chefs could continue making lunch for the dining car.

The Department of Justice is considering anti-trust action against Ticketmaster/Live Nation for excessive fees and controlling a massive share of the ticketing market. Ticketmaster has already listed seats at the trial for $500 each plus $75 in fees.

Crystal Kung Minkoff announced she’s leaving Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, where she was the Bravo series first Asian American cast member. She’s considering joining the cast of Real Housewives of Oklahoma, where she’d be the first Asian to ever live there.

Salvatore ‘Sal the Shoemaker’ Rubino of Sal’s Shoe Repair on Long Island was charged with running an illegal gambling operation out of the shop. Investigators recorded Rubino hitting a customer with a baseball bat over failing to pay $20,000 for new soles on his loafers.

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Claire Smith will be inducted into the Baseball Hall of Fame, the first woman to receive the prestigious Spink Award for baseball writing. MLB Commissioner Rob Manfred congratulated her and said he can’t wait to see her bronze bust in the Hall.

Tobacco stocks dropped sharply as the FDA announced its goal of making tobacco products less addictive by reducing the nicotine in them. The Marlboro Man reacted to the news by announcing he’s switching to heroin.

President Trump traveled to Long Island to address the local and national impacts of ruthless street gang MS-13. Trump was briefed on gang culture en route with an inflight showing of West Side Story.

  • The President shut it off after the big “America” song & dance number, and switched to Property Brothers for the remainder of the trip.

Trump told the Long Island audience he would destroy MS-13, leading Chuck Schumer and Nancy Pelosi to inquire with the gang about being duked in.

MS-13 gang membership continues to grow, as global economies struggle, and as the gang continues to offer top-tier health care.

Attorney General Jeff Sessions was in El Salvador to talk with officials there about halting MS-13 migration and crime in the U.S. His efforts fells short, as several gang leaders traveled back to the U.S. with Sessions while disguised as male flight attendants.

Sessions addressed Trump’s mean tweets directed at him, calling him “weak” and “beleaguered”, saying they were “kind of hurtful”. This, on the same day White House Communications Director Anthony Scaramucci called Chief of Staff Reince Priebus “a paranoid schizophrenic” and said Senior Policy Advisor Steve Bannon “suck[s] his own [penis].” White House Press Secretary Sarah Sanders announced the opening of a Hallmark Store in the West Wing, where staffers could buy cards to make amends for the terrible things they’re saying to each other.

Senator John McCain cast the deciding vote just after 1a.m. to send the GOP “Skinny Repeal” Health Care Bill to a 51-49 defeat. Women’s activists too issue with the characterization of McCain as hero, since Senators Susan Collins and Lisa Murkowski opposed the bill and its introduction to the floor. Male senators moved in to mansplain why women shouldn’t feel so bad.

The Emoji Movie opened Friday to brutal reviews, receiving just one Fresh review and a 3% Fresh rating on RottenTomatoes. Voice actors include TJ Miller, Maya Rudolph, and Patrick Stewart as Poop. It’s the second time Stewart has voiced Poop, following his continued work on American Dad.

Baltimore Ravens offensive lineman John Urschel retired from the NFL at age 26 to pursue his Ph.D. at MIT. His teammates wished him well, but said they’ll continue to play and get their Ph.D. in CTE.

Apple officially killed off the iPod Nano and Shuffle – but tell that to your cheapskate parents, who think they’re still perfectly good.