Ticketmaster’s Chief Financial Officer will testify before the U.S. Senate regarding the Taylor Swift ticketing fiasco. He will be required to stand for the duration of his testimony, unless he pays $199 plus fees for premium seating.

Republican Congressman George Santos took to Twitter to criticize the impressions of him by Bowen Yang on Saturday Night Live and Jon Lovitz on The Tonight Show. He particularly criticized Yang, since he wore a size 4 dress and Santos is at least a 14.

Four leaders of the Oath Keepers were found guilty of seditious conspiracy for their role planning the January 6th insurrection. They were also found guilty of lesser charges of underestimating attendance and running out of snacks.

Nominations for the 95th Academy Awards were released. Another year, another Academy Board of Governors Lifetime Achievement Award snub for Jim Varney.

M&Ms suspended the appearance of its talking cartoon Spokescandies in ads, and announced Maya Rudolph as their new Spokesperson. Werther’s Originals introduced their new Spokescandy, a non-verbal dementia patient.

Five years after his murder, a ‘surprise’ single from rapper XXXTentacion was released. As for other music, that single is likely the XXXtent of it.

The Sundance Film Festival debuted ‘Infinity Pool’, an NC-17 movie featuring cloning, orgies, executions and graphic male ejaculation. Audience polling was negative, but most patrons said it still beat having to sit through Aquaman 2.

Oreo Cookies newest offering is The Most Oreo Oreo – an Oreo cookie with bits of Oreo cookie wafers in the creme center. They recommend dunking it in milk that already has Oreos floating in it.

Frontman & founder Brandon Urie announced he’s breaking up his band, Panic! at the Disco now that he & his wife are expecting a baby. He also announced a future project Colic! at the Urie House.

Disney fans are selling water from the Splash Mountain ride at Disney World now that it’s being closed down and are asking $150/bottle. Nobody’s buying, but the Centers for Disease Control are offering to buy bottles of water from Disney resort pools.

Claire Smith will be inducted into the Baseball Hall of Fame, the first woman to receive the prestigious Spink Award for baseball writing. MLB Commissioner Rob Manfred congratulated her and said he can’t wait to see her bronze bust in the Hall.

Tobacco stocks dropped sharply as the FDA announced its goal of making tobacco products less addictive by reducing the nicotine in them. The Marlboro Man reacted to the news by announcing he’s switching to heroin.

President Trump traveled to Long Island to address the local and national impacts of ruthless street gang MS-13. Trump was briefed on gang culture en route with an inflight showing of West Side Story.

  • The President shut it off after the big “America” song & dance number, and switched to Property Brothers for the remainder of the trip.

Trump told the Long Island audience he would destroy MS-13, leading Chuck Schumer and Nancy Pelosi to inquire with the gang about being duked in.

MS-13 gang membership continues to grow, as global economies struggle, and as the gang continues to offer top-tier health care.

Attorney General Jeff Sessions was in El Salvador to talk with officials there about halting MS-13 migration and crime in the U.S. His efforts fells short, as several gang leaders traveled back to the U.S. with Sessions while disguised as male flight attendants.

Sessions addressed Trump’s mean tweets directed at him, calling him “weak” and “beleaguered”, saying they were “kind of hurtful”. This, on the same day White House Communications Director Anthony Scaramucci called Chief of Staff Reince Priebus “a paranoid schizophrenic” and said Senior Policy Advisor Steve Bannon “suck[s] his own [penis].” White House Press Secretary Sarah Sanders announced the opening of a Hallmark Store in the West Wing, where staffers could buy cards to make amends for the terrible things they’re saying to each other.

Senator John McCain cast the deciding vote just after 1a.m. to send the GOP “Skinny Repeal” Health Care Bill to a 51-49 defeat. Women’s activists too issue with the characterization of McCain as hero, since Senators Susan Collins and Lisa Murkowski opposed the bill and its introduction to the floor. Male senators moved in to mansplain why women shouldn’t feel so bad.

The Emoji Movie opened Friday to brutal reviews, receiving just one Fresh review and a 3% Fresh rating on RottenTomatoes. Voice actors include TJ Miller, Maya Rudolph, and Patrick Stewart as Poop. It’s the second time Stewart has voiced Poop, following his continued work on American Dad.

Baltimore Ravens offensive lineman John Urschel retired from the NFL at age 26 to pursue his Ph.D. at MIT. His teammates wished him well, but said they’ll continue to play and get their Ph.D. in CTE.

Apple officially killed off the iPod Nano and Shuffle – but tell that to your cheapskate parents, who think they’re still perfectly good.