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Bank of America announced it’s raising the minimum wage for employees to $20/hour, except for the dwarfs that live & work inside of its ATMs.

Disney planned to preview its new streaming service to investors, promising to deliver fan favorites like Star Wars & Marvel movies, Pixar animated features, and a lot of really old racist shit.

Bed, Bath & Beyond is closing 40 stores – or beyond.

The Food & Drug Administration approved a new treatment for postpartum depression, called ‘two weeks at grandma’s’.

The White House reportedly wanted detained illegal immigrants released to U.S. “sanctuary cities” to retaliate against Trump’s political foes. The plan backfired when immigrants agreed to return to their war-torn countries instead of risking living in sanctuary city Camden, New Jersey.

Julian Assange was arrested after living in asylum in Ecuador’s London Embassy for seven years. Ecuador said it ended his stay because of improper behavior – accusing him of spying, leaving dishes in the sink and not paying his share of the cable bill.

Upstart professional football league XFL may allow two forward passes on the same play, as long as the ball remains behind the line of scrimmage, and provided they’re not bankrupt after starting play in February, 2020 .

CNN reports that actress Lori Loughlin still isn’t ready to enter a plea deal as a result of mail fraud and money laundering charges from Operation Varsity Blues – saying she thinks bribing colleges is something “any mother would do”, provided they have millions of dollars and a daughter who’s an idiot.

Between 1995 and 2015, the number of kids under age 6 treated for swallowing toys, coins & batteries nearly doubled from 22,000 to 43,000. Doctors are concerned about the toys & batteries, but parents enjoy the modest payout from coins found potty training.

Reality star Kristin Cavallari said her on her E! show ‘Very Cavallari’ that her husband – retired NFL QB Jay Cutler – unclogged her milk ducts by sucking her breasts really hard. It’s the hardest Cutler has sucked since that season with the Miami Dolphins.

 

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President Trump handled the coin toss at the annual Army/Navy football game. “Heads is Stalin, tails is the hammer & sickle” he said.

Nick Ayers, chief of staff for Vice President Mike Pence, declined to take the chief of staff role for Trump. Ayers was asked why he doesn’t want to work for the President; he replied that he will be working for the President once the Mueller probe wraps up.

A study of rats that had their uterus removed showed they had increased difficulty with cognitive function. The barren females had trouble completing difficult tasks since they were constantly being approached for casual sex by male rats that don’t want a family.

A man on an Orlando to Philadelphia flight gave up his first class seat so a woman with a sick baby could move up from coach. The woman couldn’t properly thank the man, so she took to Facebook to try and find him. The person with the first class seat adjacent to the sick baby also wants to find the man, to punch him.

Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones dismissed reports that he’s attempted to lure Jason Witten out of the ESPN Monday Night Football booth and back on to his former team. Fans who watch Monday night games and hear Witten encouraged Jones to keep trying.

The Miami Dolphins completed an improbable victory over the New England Patriots with a game-ending triple-lateral play resulting in a touchdown.  The Patriots thought Roughing the Passer should have been called, since Tom Brady’s feelings were hurt.

Nicki Minaj is reportedly dating Kenneth ‘Zoo’ Perry, a 40-year-old unmarried father of five who’s a registered sex offender in the state of New York. Minaj wanted to prove to other single women that not all of the good ones are taken.

Actor Kirk Douglas celebrated his 102nd birthday this week, beginning shooting on a new romantic comedy where a hot 29-year-old woman finds him irresistible for some reason.

Dentists are letting some patients wear virtual reality headsets while having work done in order to help them remain calm. The patients enjoy watching scenes that relax them, and the dentists enjoy doing root canals and fillings while nude.

Verizon announced 10,400 employees are voluntarily taking buyouts and leaving the company. “Can you hear me now? Okay, I quit” said 10,400 people.

 

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White House staff announced that President Trump invited Russian President Vladimir Putin to visit Washington in the fall.  Putin is expected to meet privately with Trump, and to pick up several million absentee ballots to take home.

Deaths from liver disease are surging, according to a study from the University of Michigan. The number of people in 2016 who died from cirrhosis of the liver increased 65% compared to 1999. The study authors blame increased alcohol consumption, and 17 years of partying like it was 1999.

Kiley White, 26, of New Jersey lied about having brain cancer to trick a couple into letting her stay with them for over a month. The couple grew suspicious when White said her radiation treatment was resting her head on the microwave while she heated Hot Pockets.

Ryan Bounds, a Trump Administration nominee for an Appellate Court judgeship, was removed from consideration after racially-charged essays from his days at Stanford University were brought to light. The GOP said they can’t have racists on the bench in Appellate Court, they need to save them for the Supreme Court.

Roseanne Barr posted a video to her YouTube channel, once again trying to explain her racist tweet comparing Obama aide Valerie Jarrett to an ape, saying “I thought the bitch was white!” So if you’re ever in a position of having to apologize to a black woman, just tell them you thought they were a white bitch.

The Miami Dolphins stirred controversy when they announced that players who protest on-field during the national anthem could be suspended for up to four games. The Dolphins backed down when they learned that players were planning to time their protests and suspensions to avoid travel to Cleveland and Buffalo.

Microsoft holds its “Inspire” show for developer partners this week, where it shows off all the new hardware they’ll stop making in two years.

Google Maps unveiled a new ‘motorcycle mode’ in several Asian markets – such as Hong Kong, Thailand & Philippines – where two-wheeled transportation is popular. It includes directions down streets that are too narrow for cars, and factors in the time riders spend regrouping after they crash into small animals and pedestrians.

A North Hollywood house featured in exterior shots on The Brady Bunch is listed for sale at $1,885,000.  The sellers will give higher consideration to purchasers agreeing to maintain the home, and not to play ball in it.

A researcher for the Kinsey Institute surveyed over 4,000 Americans, and found the #1 sex fantasy in the U.S. is a threesome. Women wanted to explore sex with another woman, and men liked getting two breakfasts afterward.