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A woman glued her hand to the floor of the Minnesota Timberwolves basketball court during a game against the LA Clippers, to protest Wolves owner Glen Taylor’s treatment of chickens on his egg farms. The woman is less concerned about the treatment of horses used to make the glue.

Ryan Fischer, the man shot while walking Lady Gaga’s dogs, is concerned that the shooter was mistakenly released from jail due to a clerical error. He’s no longer walking the dogs, because they somehow managed to buy guns to defend themselves.

MSNBC announced Rachel Maddow’s show will only air on Mondays instead of every weeknight. Lesbian Democrats are disappointed, but happy that they just freed up four hours a week on their DVRs.

Gilbert Gottfried died, and edged past Norm Macdonald on Twitter posters’ list of Greatest Comedians Ever.

Ronald Reagan’s assassin John Hinckley sold out an upcoming concert this July in Brooklyn. He already considers himself more successful giving music a shot.

A manhunt is underway for Frank James, a person of interest in the New York subway shooting. Police are baffled since James rented a U-Haul in Philadelphia and managed to get out of that city without getting truckjacked.

Texas sent its first busload of immigrants to Washington D.C. Texas Governor Greg Abbott then fired his assistant after finding out she bought them all roundtrip tickets.

Following the ejection of first base coach Antoan Richardson, the San Francisco Giants replaced her with assistant coatch Alyssa Nakken, making her the first woman to coach on-field in an MLB game. The game went on for a while, because every signal she gave came with a ten-minute story.

Los Angeles gangs are responsible for a rash of recent violent crimes targeting the rich and famous in affluent neighborhoods. It’s so bad, MS-13 is now MS-90210.

A 5-foot by 6-foot stone slab was discovered during renovations at Jerusalem’s Church of the Holy Sepulchre, etched with grafitti left over the course of centuries. Translators determined the etchings were mostly “names and addresses of cute teenage boys”.

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Florida GOP Congressman Matt Gaetz is reportedly the subject of an investigation that he had a sexual relationship with a 17-year-old girl. Gaetz responded, saying once she broke up with Barron Trump, he figured she was fair game.

An Indiana woman was charged with the murder of her ex-boyfriend by putting Fentanyl in his oatmeal, then choking him. An autopsy revealed Fentanyl in his bloodstream, but thanks to the oatmeal, his cholesterol was down.

Malik Beasley of the NBA Minnesota Timberwolves is questioning his son’s paternity in his divorce from wife Montana Yao. Tonight on TNT Network, ‘Inside the NBA’ welcomes special guest Maury Povich.

Ariana Grande is joining ‘The Voice’ as a coach. She’s already spun her chair around and gotten engaged to three different male contestants.

Vanessa Bryant, wife of the late Kobe Bryant, celebrated their daughter Natalia being accepted into USC, and wished her the best of luck on the rowing team.

Nintendo fans are reportedly panicked over a rumor that Mario will die on March 31st. Many have ruined their game consoles shoving mushrooms in them to give him an extra life.

NASA’s Mars Curiosity rover sent back a selfie it took atop a 20-foot tall rock formation, just before falling to its death.

NCAA basketball referee Bert Smith collapsed on court while officiating the Gonzaga/USC game, then called himself for a blocking foul.

The National Football League expanded the 2021 regular season. Each team gets a 17th game and a second concussion tent to handle the extra volume.

Scientists in southern Argentina have found the skull of a large meat-eating dinosaur named “one who causes fear” in the local Mapuche language. In its torso area, they found bones from other dinosaurs named “ones that get eaten”.