By |

Fairfax, Virginia schools changed a grading policy for students who fail to turn in assignments, changing the lowest possible grade from 50% to 0. Philadelphia City Schools are considering a similar change, since several Philly schools have dropouts who are in the running for senior class Valedictorian.

Fugitive murderer Danelo Cavalcante was captured in the woods of a Philadelphia suburb while wearing a Philadelphia Eagles jersey. “Maybe he isn’t such a bad guy after all” say Philadelphians.

Cavalcante was discovered after he was located beneath a wood pile and bitten by a State Police scent-tracking dog. The $25,000 reward for his capture will now be issued in Pupperoni.

House Speaker Mark Meadows said he’ll open an impeachment investigation in to Joe Biden’s alleged corruption involving son Hunter’s businesses. But for now the impeachment score remains 2-0.

Congresswoman Lauren Boebert was kicked out of ‘Beetlejuice: The Musical‘ for vaping and causing a disturbance. When she first refused to leave, police said ‘Bobo’ three times on the sidewalk in front of the theater and she appeared there.

HGTV sold The Brady Bunch house to Tina Trahan, wife of a TV executive, for $3.2 million. Trahan then tried to cancel the purchase, saying something suddenly came up.

Brady Bunch star Eve ‘Jan’ Plumb plans to auction off memorabilia from her time on the show, including a “fun” gift from her onscreen Dad, Robert ‘Mike Brady’ Reed…that is, if you consider a positive HIV test a “fun gift”.

N’Sync reunited for the first time in 10 years at the MTV Video Music Awards. Now it’s time to say Bye Bye Bye to Fatone, Kirkpatrick, Chasez & Bass for another decade.

Apple announced that its iPhone 15 will adopt the USB-C charging standard, but assured loyal customers that official Apple charger cords will continue the company’s tradition of fraying and breaking in a month and a half.

A $33,000-per-passenger cruise ship ran aground in Greenland and could be stuck there for days. “Well, well, well, norovirus and imitation crab legs doesn’t sound so bad NOW, does it?” said a Carnival Cruise Lines spokesperson.

By |

Victoria’s Secret announced the hiring of Valentina Sampaio, their first openly transgender model. Sampaio is expected to help launch a new line of roomier women’s briefs.

Brazil’s President Jair Bolsonaro said he will accept $20 million in international aid to fight Amazon rainforest fires, but only if France’s President Emmanuel Macron apologizes for barbs traded about each other’s wives. Aides are busy translating “beggars can’t be choosers” from French to Portugese.

Viral video shows Senator Elizabeth Warren giving personal financial advice to people appearing on “Dr. Phil”, including “don’t ask Dr Phil for financial advice.”

MTV gave out its 2019 Video Music Awards; or, as they’re now known, the Music Awards.

New artist Lizzo performed in front of a giant inflatable butt at the MTV Awards, in case you ever need a practical definition of “putting a hat on a hat.”

A new invasive species of tumbleweed that can grow up to six feet in height is taking over parts of California. It’s been spotted in several California locations, including Nicolas Cage’s acting career.

Retired New England Patriots tight end Rob Gronkowski is pitching CBD oil use to treat pain. He even came up with his own slogan “It’s as simple as CBD, the first three letters of the alphabet!”

Oklahoma tv host Alex Housden apologized to her black co-host Jason Hackett after telling him he “kind of looks like” a gorilla.  Housden is expected to remain a host of ‘Good Morning Racists’.

Seattle Mariners outfielder Keon Broxton was ejected from Monday night’s game against the Yankees after hitting plate umpire Manny Gonzalez in the face with a batting glove. Gonzalez chose to eject Broxton rather than have a pistol duel at 20 paces.

Johnson & Johnson was ordered to pay $572 million for worsening the opioid epidemic in Oklahoma. So Johnson & Johnson are looking for 5.72 million Benjamins.

 

By |

Jennifer McIver, a Colorado Mom, shared a story on Facebook about her 3-year-old daughter locking herself in their new LG front-loading washing machine, and her 4-year-old son starting it. The daughter was unhurt, but they’re asking LG to put locks on washer doors. The son was rewarded for washing his sister on Delicate, but she came out with even bigger stains on her pants than when she went in.

A 27-year-old woman went into labor while riding Kilimanjaro Safaris at Walt Disney World’s Animal Kingdom. She delivered the baby shortly thereafter via FastPass, but two triplet siblings were told to expect at least a 90-minute wait.

Tinder – which doesn’t allow daters to send photos to each other – are conducting a test in Canada and Mexico where users can send personal Bitmoji to one another. Tinder users are busily figuring out how to create Bitmoji of their genitals and breasts.

Microsoft and Walmart announced a strategic partnership to take on Amazon in technology and retail. It’s called Let’s Spend Billions And Still Lose.

Do Thi Duc, a researcher in Berlin, studied 208 million public transactions made over Venmo during the past year, because most users never change the default setting that makes activity public. Nearly 3 million transactions involved pizza, and 10 million involved the weed emoji, so she assumed they were payments to landscapers.

Russian President Vladimir Putin presented U.S. President Donald Trump with a ceremonial World Cup soccer ball at a joint press conference. Trump tossed it to his wife, marking the first time Melania handled one of Trump’s balls since conceiving Barron.

Archaeologists in Jordan found what they claim is 14,000-year-old flatbread – which went uneaten because everyone at dinner was on the Paleo diet.

Netflix posted disappointing results, adding only 674,000 new subscribers in the second quarter, versus a forecast of 1.2 million. Shareholders rated it one star and skipped to the third quarter episode.

Fans were shocked as MTV snubbed Taylor Swift in all major categories of its Video Music Awards. Her fans stated their intent to stop watching music videos on MTV, in the event they ever start showing them again.

An airborne blob of lava from Hawaii’s Kilauea volcano struck a lava-watching tour boat off the eastern coast of Hawaii’s big island, injuring 23 people but really giving them their money’s worth.