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Netflix is phasing out its $11.99 Basic plan. Soon you’ll no longer be able to Netflix & Chill with a Basic bitch.

Joe Biden dropped out of the Presidential Race and will no longer seek reelection. He will, however, serve out the remainder of his term and continue to receive Secret Service protection from his dogs.

Cardi B. expressed excitement at the possibility of VP Kamala Harris being elected, saying she was sick of having a WAP – White Ass President.

Donald Trump said he was saved “by luck or by God” in his recent assassination attempt. “Definitely luck”, said God.

JD Vance’s wife, Usha, is the target of racist banter because of her Indian heritage. Donald Trump defended her, saying he’ll happily let her occupy Vice Presidential living quarters depending on how her credit report looks.

Israel President Benjamin Netanyahu is visiting Washington, and said his country will remain an ally of the U.S. no matter who replaces Biden, so long as they’re cool with bombing civilians in hospitals.

Delta Airlines cancelled more flights as it struggles to recover from the Microsoft/Crowdstrike outage. Meanwhile Spirit Airlines said they’re running at a full schedule with drunken cheapskate passengers pummelling each other in Crowdstrikes over armrests and whatnot.

Cuba said one million citizens left the country in the past two years. They also said there’s a nationwide shortage of tires because they’re all being used to make rafts to leave Cuba.

By the end of the week, all NFL players will be expected to report to their team’s Training Camp, or to the remaining dates of Taylor Swift’s Eras Tour.

A Nigerian man played mobile game Dream League Soccer 2023 for 75 consecutive hours, setting a new Guinness World Record. Observers called it every bit as exciting as watching real-life soccer.

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London’s Old Vic Theater, where Kevin Spacey once served as Artistic Director, reportedly received 20 complaints of Spacey’s sexual misconduct – 15 evening performances, and 5 matinees.

According to a new Pennsylvania law, leaving your dog out in the cold is a felony. Leaving your spouse or lover out in the cold is still classified as a country song.

Nigeria qualified for the 2018 South Korea Winter Olympics in women’s bobsled, and are raising money to fund the trip with the world’s worst bake sale.

Swedish publication Scientific Reports published a study claiming that for people living alone, dog ownership decreased their risk of death by 33% and their risk of cardiovascular death by 36%. The study also found that if those same people died, there was a 100% lower risk of the dog going hungry.

Amidst the tight race for U.S. Senate, a rally was held outside of the Alabama state capitol by a group called ‘Women for Moore’.  When asked why they were there, they said they were really called ‘Women for More’ and they sought to improve elementary education in the state.

A rare Leonardo da Vinci painting sold at auction for $450.3 million, to an anonymous telephone bidder who chose the Easy Pay installment option.

Tesla opened the two largest supercharging stations for its electric vehicles in California. Like many highway rest stops, the stations have a lounge, restrooms, a dog walking area, – and are hoping to add prostitutes.

Tesla also debuted its new high-performance Roadster. It will go from 0-60mph in 1.9 seconds, equalling the speed of people walking away from conversations with new owners of a Tesla Roadster.

Congressional investigators say that Jared Kushner has not provided requested documents related to a ‘Russian Backdoor Overture’ discussed in emails during the campaign. Democrats believe the mention of a Russian Backdoor Overture may prove that the infamous Trump Pee Tape has a second act.

  • CIA Operatives called the Russian Backdoor Overture ‘like a Dirty Sanchez, but with Tchaikovsky as mood music.’

President Trump took to Twitter, criticizing Senator Al Franken over sexual abuse allegations by calling him “Frankenstien’ (sic).  “Now tweet about me!” said Pennsylvania Governor Tom Wolf.