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Anne Hathaway said that she’s going to stop drinking alcohol for the next 18 years while she raises her child. Which doesn’t seem like a big deal at first, then you realize at some point she’ll be reading reviews of ‘The Princess Diaries 3′.

A petition is circulating to get Maroon 5 to cancel their Super Bowl halftime show in support of NFL players’ right to protest, and also because it’s Maroon 5.

Carnival Cruise Lines announced that they’ll be offering the first ocean liner with an on-board roller coaster. The coaster will allow Carnival passengers who manage to avoid rampant norovirus to also get seasick.

John Travolta, in an interview with Us Weekly, credited the Church of Scientology with helping him through the unexpected death of his son 10 years ago – calling it some of the best money he’s ever spent.

YouTube says it will recommend fewer videos that spread political misinformation and conspiracy theories. Coming on the heels of their recently-announced ban of dangerous prank videos, people are justifiably questioning what’s left to watch.

Nike announced a deal to become Major League Baseball’s official uniform and footwear supplier starting in 2020. They asked for a one-year delay to allow time to find baseball players to kneel on the dugout steps during the National Anthem.

Ben Affleck was photographed leaving a dentist’s office with his mouth packed so full of cotton he couldn’t close it. He then checked into rehab for novocaine addiction.

Billionaire Michael Bloomberg used a speech in Virginia to liken Donald Trump to Freddy Krueger, adding that “instead of ..Nightmare on Elm Street, we’ve got Trump and the Nightmare on 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue”. Critics were swift to point out the flaw, in that Freddy Krueger was actually pretty good at his job.

The air traffic controllers union says that flight delays at Laguardia, Newark & Philadelphia airports are a direct result of the government shutdown. While the baggage handlers union at Philadelphia’s airport say flight delays are hindering their ability to lose and steal luggage.

FBI agents stormed the Florida home of Roger Stone before dawn, arresting him on charges stemming from the Mueller investigation. A confused, agitated Stone appeared at his front door in pajamas, telling the middle-aged men that brunch didn’t start for five more hours.

 

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Actor Burt Reynolds died of complications from cardiac arrest. When hospital workers asked if there was anything they could do to make him more comfortable before he passed away, Reynolds told them to burn every copy of ‘Cop And A Half’.

Starbucks will soon start selling espresso in Italy – not because Italians need better espresso, they just need more locations where they can act like dicks ordering it.

Major hotel chains Marriott and Hyatt are giving employees ‘Panic buttons’ to use if they feel they’re in danger of assault or harassment. The panic buttons are also being given out at Red Roof Inns, to both desk clerks and “frequent guests” interacting with truckers.

The next star of ABC’s ‘The Bachelor’ will be Colton Underwood, a 26-year-old former football player who is a virgin. Producers want to know if he plans to give roses to women virgins competing for his affection on the show, so they can cut the flower budget.

A case study in the New England Journal of Medicine documents a woman contracting a condition known as ‘black hairy tongue’ upon taking a combination of antibiotics after a car accident. The antibiotics worked fine, but caused the woman to want to obsessively groom her cat.

Uber and Lyft are expanding their services to offer electric scooter rentals. Both companies say they’ll also hire employees to maintain & recharge the scooters, and to sexually harass renters.

The New York Times reports that the White House is eyeing 12 persons as possible authors of the anonymous ‘Resistance Letter’ op-ed published in the New York Times — and the New York Times is saying they might not want to waste time on 11 of them.

Missouri’s College of the Ozarks removed Nike logos from its sports teams uniforms in protest of Nike’s utilizing Colin Kaepernick as a spokesperson. Nike is currently assessing the brand impact of the logo not being seen by the 14 people expected to watch College of the Ozarks big football game against Missouri Southeast Baptist Tech.

Video of a brawl at a Chick-fil-A in Washington DC has gone viral. A 55-year-old customer reportedly yelled at others, then jumped behind the counter where he was punched by a 27-year–old employee. Despite the employee’s action defending co-workers, he was terminated because he wasn’t chicken.

At Miss America preliminaries, Miss Virginia responded to a question about football players kneeling for the national anthem, saying that “it’s not about kneeling; it is…about police brutality.” Asked whether or not she would kneel, Miss Mississippi said “not until the fifth or sixth date.”

 

 

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A South Carolina woman was charged with murder after poisoning her late husband with eye drops – which he totally did not see coming.

A truck carrying Axe body spray crashed in Texas, sending the product all over an area highway. This was bad news for cleanup crews, and good news for the shy raccoon with no game who finally got the ladies’ attention with his new scent.

Nike chose embattled former NFL qb Colin Kaepernick to be the face of its new ‘Just Do It’ campaign, leading to protests from those who oppose his national anthem protests. Some posted videos burning Nike shoes and apparel – several kids were injured trying to snatch the burning shoes rather than wearing the ones their Moms got them at Payless.

An Emirates Airline jet from Dubai to New York was quarantined post-landing Wednesday after 10 passengers aboard reported feeling ill. Some say that passengers picked up at a stop in Mecca brought the flu on board – others blamed the Baba Ghannouj breakfast sandwiches that Emirates borrowed from Spirit Airlines.

In Iowa, a 50-year-old man accidentally shot his 55-year-old brother on the first day of squirrel hunting season. The victim was treated for non-life-threatening injuries, and said it was partially his fault for trying to get sunflower seeds out of a bird feeder.

NASA is reportedly considering raising money for future missions by selling the naming rights for launches to marketing partners. Branding experts are hesitant, saying nobody wants to be asking a friend in 15 years where they were when the Cap’n Crunch Shuttle exploded…

The National Hockey League is reportedly asking that Washington Capitals players – each of whom gets a day with the Stanley Cup – not do “keg stands”, or, inverted beer chugging, out of it. The NHL is worried about damage to the trophy, and less worried that players will slip and knock their teeth out.

Gwyneth Paltrow’s Goop brand paid $145,000 in civil penalties in California for falsely claiming that Jade and Rose Quartz stone “vaginal eggs” would, when placed in the vagina, improve bladder control, boost orgasms and regulate hormones. Family-minded women buying them also said that the eggs were “impossible to fertilize”.

Kim Kardashian is making another trip to the White House, this time attempting to free 30-year-old Chris Young, a convicted drug dealer serving a life sentence. This will be Kardashian’s second meeting in the Oval Office, moving her two ahead of Melania.

Rumors surfaced that Melania Trump’s “kidney operation” earlier this year may have actually been another enlargement surgery for her breasts. The rumors were fueled by photos of the First Lady in a snug top, showing off her kidney-shaped bosom.

 

 

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Licensed Nevada prostitutes have formed Hookers for Healthcare to protest GOP plans to repeal Obamacare. The prostitutes are worried about losing their healthcare, and about losing customers who pay them with Obamacare for outpatient treatment.

  • When hearing about the group, GOP Senators invited them to D.C. for a closed door meeting with the President.

Eminem’s Instagram followers expressed confusion and dislike at the artist’s new beard. Like his rap, the beard is not quite black.

The average FICO credit score for U.S. residents hit 700, or ‘Good’ for the first time. “Fake news” said the President, whose score hovers around 400.

MIT and Harvard researchers have developed tattoos that change color based on wearer’s glucose, pH & sodium levels. There are no plans to release the ink to the general public, at least not until there are more diabetic biker gangs.

Google’s Boston labs have built a 6′ 6″ wheeled humanoid robot that can jump, spin and lift weights. But for right now it wants to chill until basketball practice.

ABC ‘Bachelor In Paradise’ has resumed production after resolving allegations of sexual misconduct, but with stricter rules for contestants. Alcoholic drinks are limited to 2 per hour, and producers must pre-approve sex between participants. ABC is changing the name of the show to Bachelors Like, Totally Bail On Paradise.

Nike confirmed plans to open an Amazon shop for customers who like typing longer URLs.

Halle Berry – the first black woman named Best Actress – said her Oscar means “nothing”. She said this during a screening of Catwoman.

The Wilshire Grand Center, at 1100 feet, is the new Tallest Building in Los Angeles. It boasts the city’s highest open air bar, a viewing deck, and takes 2 hours to get to from anywhere in Los Angeles.

Greta Van Susteren is leaving MSNBC just six months after joining the network from Fox News, saying she wasn’t sexually harassed enough.

Argentinian Soccer Superstar Lionel Messi is engaged to marry his childhood sweetheart. Groupies are heartbroken but remain committed to a Messi breakup.