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CIA director Gina Haspel briefed Congress on the murder of journalist Jamal Khashoggi, leading some lawmakers to say they had no doubt the killing happened with the knowledge of Saudi crown prince Muhammad bin Salman. President Trump, who saw the same information, likes bin Salman’s evil twin, Floyd, for the crime.

The Secret Service is testing a facial recognition surveillance system outside the White House. Right now it only recognizes ‘Orange’ and ‘Everybody Else’.

A Phoenix man claims that someone hacked into his Nest security camera and used it to talk to him. The hacker asked when his wife was getting dressed for work.

Special Counsel Robert Mueller recommended leniency for former national security adviser Michael Flynn, based on what Mueller’s team called Flynn’s ‘substantial contributions’ to the investigation. Mueller’s team added they don’t know who else will be able to do as good as Flynn fetching coffee.

A Hollywood Reporter article states that nobody wants to host the 91st Academy Awards. Jimmy Fallon offered to do it, but the Academy said the show is already too long before adding 90 minutes of sing-alongs and party games.

Married rappers Cardi B and Offset announced they’re splitting up. They’ll share custody of the jewelry.

Snowboard gold medalist Shaun White, riding in first class on a recent flight, posted an Instagram video shaming a passenger behind him with their bare feet resting on the back of his seat. White asked followers to tag someone who would likely do this, then sexually harassed the passenger for the remainder of the flight.

Crowdsourcing advice site Quora announced a security breach. Worse, the top-rated Quora Expert response to “How do I protect my information?” was “Send your social security number and date of birth to this email address….”

Kanye West apologized after being called out on Twitter for staring at his cell phone during the Broadway premiere of ‘The Cher Show’. West was chastised by the actor playing Sonny Bono, who was upset Kanye missed ‘Sonny’s’ big scene skiing into a tree and dying.

A Quicken survey of 1,000 married couples’ Christmas shopping behavior found that 1 in 5 forgot to buy their spouse a Christmas gift. Those people were then added to next year’s Quicken survey of 1,000 divorced couples’ Christmas shopping behavior.

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After a months-long investigation, a woman and her father were arrested for dumping popcorn and the empty bucket on a 2-year-old for talking during a screening of The Last Jedi. The child allegedly suffered a contusion, the accused were charged with excessive use of Force.

Walmart is entering the meal-kit business to take on the likes of Blue Apron and Hello Fresh.  Walmart will offer three different kits – each includes a bag of Doritos, a pair of scissors and a Redbox coupon.

A Cleveland mother was arrested after her 8-year-old son shot her 4-year-old daughter. The daughter is listed in stable condition; the 8-year-old hired an NRA lawyer and is expected to invoke the Stand Your Blanket Fort defense.

President Trump’s threats to levy tariffs on imported steel and aluminum was greeted with hostility by European officials, who threatened to tax U.S. exports of bourbon, Levi’s and Harley-Davidson motorcycles. “O non!” said the leader of the world’s least scary French motorcycle gang.

Entrepreneur Kristina Roth is opening SuperShe Island, a private luxury retreat off the coast of Finland where no men are allowed. The catch is that Roth personally selects the guests via the resort’s website. Roth said the number one selection criteria is ‘having an amazing personality’, followed by ‘being a really hot, rich lesbian’.

The Shape of Water won the Oscar for Best Picture. Match.com was down temporarily due to a surge in single women searching for single men with dorsal fins.

Kobe Bryant won an Oscar for producing a short film, as white people congratulated themselves on jokes about his ‘crossover’ into filmmaking.

An e-cigarette study published in the journal Pediatrics found five cancer-causing toxins in the urine of 16-year-olds using e-cigarettes. They also found alcohol and cocaine, so they fired the 17-year-old in charge of the study.

Skiers and snowboarders at Olympic Valley ski resort in California used their hands to rescue others who were covered by snow during a freak avalanche. The rescue would have happened sooner, but there was confusion from the text messages that read “dude I’m totally buried right now.”

University of Michigan defensive tackle prospect Maurice Hurst was sent home from the NFL Combine after doctors found a heart condition. They also found dozens of players with CTE symptoms but let’s….let’s get that heart checked out.

 

 

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Cinemark Theaters announced they’re banning large bags in their movie theaters to enhance ‘safety and security’. They advised patrons to bring pistols instead of rifles to shoot at the screen during ‘Fifty Shades Freed’.

The USA Women’s ice hockey team won the Olympic Gold Medal, defeating Canada 3-2 in a shootout – to the delight of NRA CEO Wayne LaPierre, who said it’s about time Americans saw the positive side of shootouts.

President Trump met with families of the victims of gun violence at the White House. He could be seen clutching a list of questions and talking points, the last of which read “I hear you”. The back of the list was a single note “turn paper over”.

Survivors of the Parkland school shooting are being criticized by conspiracy theorists as “crisis actors”.  Hearing the term ‘crisis actor’, Nicolas Cage instructed his agent to see how much the job pays.

A Michigan family said the dining room tv in a Burger King showed a graphic sex scene. Customer Richard Avery was there with his two sons, ages 7 and 8, when the tv showed a scene of a man fondling a woman’s breast and thrusting against her, as the woman said “you’re a nasty horndog”. Burger King said the incident doesn’t reflect their brand, and they’ve scrapped plans to add the Nasty Horndog to their menu.

QSR Magazine ranked the food and beverage chains with the fastest drive-thru service. Starbucks ranked next-to-last at 4 1/2 minutes and Hardee’s/Carl’s Jr was at the bottom at nearly five minutes.  Starbucks defended their time, saying it takes douchebags an average of four minutes to order; Carl’s Jr/Hardees attributed their slowness to customers’ diabetic blackouts behind the wheel.

Gal Gadot will be a presenter at the Academy Awards, and will also lasso the winner of Best Original Screenplay to see if they really wrote it themselves.

President Trump suggested that arming teachers and training them to use guns might be a good idea. Several startup companies are rumored to be working on bright orange bulletproof hall passes.

67-year-old actress Jane Seymour posed for Playboy magazine, it’s their first centerfold that comes with a warning label.

CNN held a Town Hall Meeting to discuss gun violence at an arena in Sunrise, Florida. No injuries were reported at the meeting, but several people were rescued after driving in to sinkholes in the parking lot.

 

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Licensed Nevada prostitutes have formed Hookers for Healthcare to protest GOP plans to repeal Obamacare. The prostitutes are worried about losing their healthcare, and about losing customers who pay them with Obamacare for outpatient treatment.

  • When hearing about the group, GOP Senators invited them to D.C. for a closed door meeting with the President.

Eminem’s Instagram followers expressed confusion and dislike at the artist’s new beard. Like his rap, the beard is not quite black.

The average FICO credit score for U.S. residents hit 700, or ‘Good’ for the first time. “Fake news” said the President, whose score hovers around 400.

MIT and Harvard researchers have developed tattoos that change color based on wearer’s glucose, pH & sodium levels. There are no plans to release the ink to the general public, at least not until there are more diabetic biker gangs.

Google’s Boston labs have built a 6′ 6″ wheeled humanoid robot that can jump, spin and lift weights. But for right now it wants to chill until basketball practice.

ABC ‘Bachelor In Paradise’ has resumed production after resolving allegations of sexual misconduct, but with stricter rules for contestants. Alcoholic drinks are limited to 2 per hour, and producers must pre-approve sex between participants. ABC is changing the name of the show to Bachelors Like, Totally Bail On Paradise.

Nike confirmed plans to open an Amazon shop for customers who like typing longer URLs.

Halle Berry – the first black woman named Best Actress – said her Oscar means “nothing”. She said this during a screening of Catwoman.

The Wilshire Grand Center, at 1100 feet, is the new Tallest Building in Los Angeles. It boasts the city’s highest open air bar, a viewing deck, and takes 2 hours to get to from anywhere in Los Angeles.

Greta Van Susteren is leaving MSNBC just six months after joining the network from Fox News, saying she wasn’t sexually harassed enough.

Argentinian Soccer Superstar Lionel Messi is engaged to marry his childhood sweetheart. Groupies are heartbroken but remain committed to a Messi breakup.