Elon Musk announced he’d hired a woman to be the new CEO of Twitter for the two months until she quits.
A former Marine who choked a New York subway passenger to death will face a manslaughter charge. The Metropolitan Transit Authority that runs the subway is concerned this could lead to criminal charges against them for everyone who chokes on the stench of urine.
The Writers Guild of America strike is threatening to cancel the Tony Awards – meaning Broadway performers may not win trophies for performances in plays & musicals written fifty years ago.
One of two male escapees from a Philadelphia prison was arrested in the city, disguised in female Muslim apparel. He was captured without incident, except for his sister screaming that she wanted her hijab back.
A buxom woman appeared to give a lap dance to a man at a Philadelphia Phillies game. The team’s ticket office was bombarded with requests from other men wondering how they could get tickets in the Champagne Section.
ABC announced replacement hosts for Amy Robach & T.J. Holmes after the two were fired for their extramarital affair. Eva Pilgrim & DeMarco Morgan were chosen, after ABC execs concluded the two have absolutely zero romantic chemistry.
A Florida McDonald’s was found liable for second-degree burn injuries suffered by a girl after a hot McNugget from a Happy Meal fell on her leg. A jury concluded the restaurant did not provide safe handling instructions for Chicken McNuggets – including warnings that the product is hot, flavorless and probably shouldn’t be eaten.
A flower delivery service is incorporating AI to write poems on a card for Mother’s Day. Customers are warned to be very specific that the flowers are for Mother’s Day, so the poem doesn’t include “last night was amazing”.
Google Maps is rolling out Immersive View, so you can see full, multidimensional imagery and weather at all of the bathroom stops your wife & kids will make you take along the way.
Vanna White lost to Jeopardy! hosts Mayim Bialik and Ken Jennings during her first-ever time playing Wheel Of Fortune during a celebrity tournament. White admitted she had a hard time remembering letters without being able to touch them first.