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Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg returned to Supreme Court proceedings, after missing time with gastrointestinal issues. In a 6-3 ruling regarding a foul smell in the courtroom, justices ruled Ginsburg “dealt it”.

Motley Crue annouced they’re voiding their ‘Cessation of Touring’ agreement and will headline a stadium tour in 2020.  However an appeal to uphold the agreement and block the Crue from touring was filed by “Music”.

A new space hotel using artificial gravity is scheduled to be in orbit and habitable by 2025, provided they can figure out what to do about guests dying during the walk from the parking lot.

A 5-year-old boy brought heroin to kindergarten and reportedly told classmates when he tasted it, it made him “feel like Spider Man”. Unfortunately, his classmates were helpless as he nodded out and Doctor Octopus stole all of their lunches.

Philadelphia could become the first city to offer so-called ‘safe injection sites’ for heroin users. The plan faces legal hurdles, as does the proposed loyalty program where addicts accumulate reward points redeemable for Eagles merchandise.

A new Stanford University study shows that an antibody injection could prevent the effects of peanut allergies. So far they’ve only seen positive results in animals, because they can’t get allergic kids to sit still for the shots.

Parents who are addicted to their smartphones have a negative impact on their children’s development, according to bummed out parents reading about the study on their smartphone.

A new lawsuit accuses Ben & Jerry’s of lying when they claim their ice cream is only made from “happy cows” on farms with the ‘Caring Dairy’ certification. As evidence, the plaintiffs cite the high levels of Prozac found in their Chunky Monkey.

‘Ford v. Ferrari’, starring Matt Damon and Christian Bale, topped the weekend box office with $31 million. ‘Charlie’s Angels’ bombed, taking in just over $8 million – surprising experts who predicted Charlie’s Angels would earn 75% of a movie starring men.

  • It was so bad, Charlie didn’t even see it.

Dunkin’ is planning to discontinue using styrofoam coffee cups in favor of double-walled paper cups. Regulars are eager to hold them to see what gets hotter – their fingers, or the burning in their stomachs.

 

 

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Singer Sam Smith announced via social media a change in pronouns to gender-neutral; Smith wants to be addressed as ‘they’ or ‘them’. Since Smith hasn’t had a hit song in years, most people are using the pronoun “Who?”

Subscription service Moviepass shut down. Owners plan to reorganize and start a business selling $12 buckets of popcorn online.

Saudi Arabia shut down half its crude oil production after Yemeni rebels set fire to multiple facilities with drone strikes. With cash flow cut in half, Saudi Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman had to call off half of his weekly weddings and murders-for-hire.

An 18-year-old Juul user is suing the vape company, claiming he has the lungs of a 70 year old. He’s seeking damages in an amount befitting a rich 80-year-old.

The FDA is recommending approval of Palforzia, a drug to build immunity to peanut allergies in children. Recommended dosage is one Palforzia & jelly sandwich each day.

Rob Gronkowski said his brain is “fixed” after suffering 20 concussions. As evidence, Gronk said he’s just as smart as he was when he was 6 years old and hadn’t played football yet.

Jennifer Lopez said her 11-year-old son, Max, will walk her down the aisle when she marries Alex Rodriguez. Her daughter will hold her train, walking two feet behind her to avoid bumping into her ass.

A 6-year-old girl, who noticed her Army figurines were all men, convinced a toymaker to create female Army figurines, but only after conceding to the toymaker’s demand that they have huge boobs and a narrow waist.

A woman in Tennessee gave birth to a daughter, Caroline, on 9/11, at 9:11pm weighing 9 pounds, 11 ounces.  Her health insurer then gave her a copay bill of $9,011.

Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino celebrated his release from prison with his wife. The woman wife, not the prison one.

Caitlyn Jenner, speaking in a promo for a Comedy Central roast of Alec Baldwin, said she hasn’t cut “it” off. Sadly she meant both her penis and her tongue.