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A 22-year-old Virginia woman found a metal hook inside of her Playtex Simply Gentle Glide tampon. The company said they’d refund her $7 purchase, and apologized for the hook, and the worm on it.

An Indiana middle school student told Apple’s Siri assistant “I’m going to shoot up a school”, then posted a screenshot of a list of local schools Siri gave in response. His friends told police and he was arrested. Reached for comment, Siri said she just wanted to get that crazy kid out of her house.

Deals site Simple Thrifty Living researched the cheapest state to buy cases of Miller Lite and Bud Light beer. Michigan was the cheapest at an average of $14.62 per case; Pennsylvania was most expensive at $21.98.  Pennsylvania’s Liquor Control Board said that, while beer is more expensive, there are more choices for liver transplant surgery.

Randi Zuckerberg said her father offered her and her brother, Mark, the option to own & operate a McDonald’s franchise instead of going to college. Mark decided to go to Harvard, drop out and start Facebook, since he didn’t think he’d be able to harvest and sell as much personal information from a McDonald’s franchise.

A pregnant Catholic school teacher in Pennsylvania claims she was fired from her job because she’s having a child out of wedlock with her boyfriend. School administrators don’t dispute her story, but wish she’d claimed Immaculate Conception because then everyone would have been cool with it.

New Jersey will gradually raise the minimum wage to $15/hour by 2024. The move is expected to make New Jersey a more appealing life and work destination for no one.

The White House says President Trump’s Tuesday State of the Union address will be ‘Unifying’ and ‘Optimistic’ — adding that instead of a speech, Trump will be addressing the country with a rerun of The West Wing.

Democratic Congressmen are still planning to attend the State of the Union, most after finding they can’t get more than $5 for their seats on Stubhub.

Jury deliberations began in the New York felony trial of Mexican druglord Joaquin ‘El Chapo’ Guzman. Deliberations are expected to be prolonged because of the time involved to provide all of the jurors with completely new identities.

The City of Philadelphia is proposing a ban on cashless businesses, saying they discriminate against the poor. The legislation is supported by Councilman Bill Greenlee, and the head of the Philadelphia Armed Robbers Union.

The body of a man found dead in Tennessee’s Great Smoky Mountains had died of a meth overdose before being partially eaten by a bear. The bear was ultimately euthanized after three unsuccessful attempts at rehab.

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The Food & Drug Administration approved the first-ever prescription drug derived from marijuana, to deal with epilepsy symptoms. Stoners are busily booking doctors appointments and practicing seizures.

Harley-Davidson will move some production overseas in order to avoid punitive tariffs for motorcycles shipped from the U.S. to Europe.  Parisian shopkeepers are worried the resulting shipment delays will only further anger the notorious, croissant-thieving French Hell’s Angels.

Mike Fleiss, creator of ABC Television series ‘The Bachelor’, tweeted that he’s ‘horrified’ that ‘abusive a-holes’ are on the show. He wistfully recalled the days when the show prominently featured only vain, non-abusive a-holes.

Residents of Maine are being warned about the Lone Star Tick, whose bite makes victims allergic to red meat. The ticks are said to frequent cookouts to get at the extra cheeseburgers, and are working on an update to make victims allergic to craft beer.

Pennsylvania residents can now legally buy and set off aerial fireworks this 4th of July, but are upset that the state levies 18% sales tax on them – they feel they’re being charged a blown-off arm and a blown-off leg.

Michael Cohen’s lawyers have reviewed millions of documents seized during a raid at his offices, and will claim attorney/client privilege over 12,000. The lawyers may not be very good, because they identified the 12,000 by seeing which ones had ‘attorney’ ‘client’ and ‘privilege’ typed on them.

First responders in New Hampshire were able to rescue a 2-year-old boy trapped under a pile of rocks. Said the fire chief “thank God that kid had so many Tonka trucks.”

In Arizona, local officials are warning that snakes may be hiding in pool noodles, after several reports from residents surprised to be finding snakes in them. One snake apologized, saying he napped in the pool noodle after getting exhausted playing all morning on the Slither n Slide.

Apple released its Schoolwork App, which allows teachers with iPads to manage classroom tasks like creating assignments and tracking students’ progress. Apple is continuing its discounts on iPads so teachers whose primary iPad is running the Schoolwork App have a second iPad for watching porn.

The Supreme Court upheld the Trump Administration’s controversial travel ban from Muslim-centric countries, dealing a critical blow to immigration activists and causing a huge sigh of relief from American tourists flying home from the Middle East.

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London’s Old Vic Theater, where Kevin Spacey once served as Artistic Director, reportedly received 20 complaints of Spacey’s sexual misconduct – 15 evening performances, and 5 matinees.

According to a new Pennsylvania law, leaving your dog out in the cold is a felony. Leaving your spouse or lover out in the cold is still classified as a country song.

Nigeria qualified for the 2018 South Korea Winter Olympics in women’s bobsled, and are raising money to fund the trip with the world’s worst bake sale.

Swedish publication Scientific Reports published a study claiming that for people living alone, dog ownership decreased their risk of death by 33% and their risk of cardiovascular death by 36%. The study also found that if those same people died, there was a 100% lower risk of the dog going hungry.

Amidst the tight race for U.S. Senate, a rally was held outside of the Alabama state capitol by a group called ‘Women for Moore’.  When asked why they were there, they said they were really called ‘Women for More’ and they sought to improve elementary education in the state.

A rare Leonardo da Vinci painting sold at auction for $450.3 million, to an anonymous telephone bidder who chose the Easy Pay installment option.

Tesla opened the two largest supercharging stations for its electric vehicles in California. Like many highway rest stops, the stations have a lounge, restrooms, a dog walking area, – and are hoping to add prostitutes.

Tesla also debuted its new high-performance Roadster. It will go from 0-60mph in 1.9 seconds, equalling the speed of people walking away from conversations with new owners of a Tesla Roadster.

Congressional investigators say that Jared Kushner has not provided requested documents related to a ‘Russian Backdoor Overture’ discussed in emails during the campaign. Democrats believe the mention of a Russian Backdoor Overture may prove that the infamous Trump Pee Tape has a second act.

  • CIA Operatives called the Russian Backdoor Overture ‘like a Dirty Sanchez, but with Tchaikovsky as mood music.’

President Trump took to Twitter, criticizing Senator Al Franken over sexual abuse allegations by calling him “Frankenstien’ (sic).  “Now tweet about me!” said Pennsylvania Governor Tom Wolf.