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President Trump was criticized for comments about French First Lady Brigitte Macron’s figure, telling her “you’re in such great shape.” Ms. Macron was said to have replied “thanks! You too-…uh…I mean nice suit!”

  • In turn, French President Macron said to First Lady Melania Trump “how the hell did you end up with this guy?”

Trump tweeted that he was leaving Paris and would attend the U.S. Women’s Open golf tourney at Trump National Golf Club in New Jersey — leading to many rounds breaking pace-of-play records by women wanting to get off the course before he arrived.

  • Trump is expected to ask the LPGA Tour’s many Asian players for their help with North Korea.
  • Past champion Michelle Wie withdrew from the tourney, citing a neck injury, and possible injury from Trump’s never-ending handshakes.

Texas passed a new law permitting ‘open carry’ of knives with blades over 5.5 inches, a move applauded by the state’s many Samurai Cowboys.

President Jimmy Carter was hospitalized, then released, for dehydration after collapsing at a Habitat for Humanity home construction site in Winnipeg. The job foreman praised the 92 year-old for his hard work, before assigning him a double-shift to make up for lost time.

Chinese scientists reportedly conducted the first successful “teleportation” experiment – sending information from a proton in the Gobi Desert to a satellite. The work is being called a breakthrough — as the first time Chinese scientists entered the Gobi Desert.

Tom Brady and Gisele Bundchen were approved for memberships to the exclusive Country Club at Brookline. Club officials delayed the approval two years, citing concerns about member privacy, and cheating with deflated volleyballs at the club picnic.

Nordstrom’s website crashed during their big annual Anniversary Sale. Executives apologized and told frustrated shoppers it was more fun to slug it out in person, anyway.

Social Security beneficiaries are projected to receive a 2.2% cost of living increase next year. So now’s the time to hit up Gramma for that new bike.

Beyonce posted the first photos of twins Rumi and Sir Carter on Instagram. Bey is pictured cradling the two infants in front of a huge floral arrangement; the twins are pictured cradling iPhones and money.

A worker trapped in a room behind an ATM passed “Help Me” notes to ATM users to help facilitate his escape. Several of the customers thought the notes were either a joke, or a cruel comment about their measly checking account balance.

Taylor Swift ended a months-long Instagram absence with a congratulatory post for her BFF Selena Gomez’s new single. Swift has kept most of her followers during her break, who have stayed out of fear they’d get a mean song written about them if they left.

Muppet Studios fired the voice actor who has portrayed Kermit the Frog for the last 27 years. The actor, Steve Whitmire, said he’s devastated, that it’s not easy losing all that green.

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An 18 year-old competitor in the Wimbledon Junior Men’s Draw was ordered by tournament officials to change his underwear before a match, to comply with the All England Club’s ‘all-white’ apparel rules. The player complied, and swore off eating Taco Bell.

A security breach resulted in 6 million Verizon customers’ personal data being leaked online. The customers’ identities can now be stolen with 99% reliability.

NASA’s Juno mission has returned images and other data from Jupiter, with NASA scientists claiming Jupiter is nothing like they expected it to be.  Jupiter plans to update its Tinder profile.

Earlier this week an Evangelical group met with President Trump in the Oval Office. The members prayed with him, with some ‘laying hands’ on Trump, at least until the burning sensation overcame them and forced them to pull their hands away.

President Trump visited France at the invitation of newly-elected French President Macron. Along with their wives, they toured Napoleon’s Tomb. Trump said of the visit that Napoleon is both a “high quality person” and “one of his favorite ice creams.”

GOP Senators unveiled their newest draft health care bill on Thursday. Analysts say the bill features low-cost plans at bare-bones prices, while critics say the plans aren’t even health insurance, they’re just memberships to Planet Fitness.

TIME magazine provided a sneak peek at its upcoming cover, featuring Donald Trump Jr with red hands. TIME famously put President Trump on its cover as Person of the Year; Trump Jr may end up being Person Sentenced to Several Years.

Republican Senator Chuck Grassley sent a letter to Donald Trump Jr asking that he testify before the Senate Judiciary committee about his meeting with a Russian lawyer. Grassley said he would have emailed, but that he didn’t want, like, the whole world to see it.

A ‘Kid Rock for Senate’ website has emerged, leading to speculation that Kid Rock will run for a Senate seat in his home state of Michigan. Sarah Palin and Ted Nugent swiftly volunteered to join the ticket as Vice Senators, before being told there is no such thing.

Thursday is National French Fry Day — which is like Prime Day, only for heart disease.

The left tackle on Kansas State’s football team has come out as gay. He described the response to his announcement as overwhelming love and support – despite coming from the blind side.