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A second grade teacher in California was arrested for being drunk in class with a blood alcohol level twice the legal limit. Though cops were impressed that her students could sing along when she was asked to recite the alphabet backwards.

An 11-year-old was arrested for shooting two teammates after a Florida football practice. It’s illegal in Florida for student-athletes to fire a handgun at football practice until they make the varsity squad.

A Pennsylvania school board passed a rule mandating students only use boys & girls bathrooms based on their gender at birth, although other restrooms are designated for use by trans students. The high school band is now learning ‘Smokin In The Non-Binary Restroom’.

Republican Kevin McCarthy was removed as Speaker of the House. In order to gain bipartisan consensus, Congress is expected to nominate a Bluetooth Speaker Of The House.

75,000 health care workers went on strike at Kaiser Permanente hospitals, leading administrators to issue a rare Flood Warning for bedpans.

Jamie Lynn Spears was eliminated from ‘Dancing With The Stars‘ – as big sis Britney somehow remains alive on ‘Dancing With The Sharp Kitchen Tools‘.

Alaska announced its annual Fat Bear Week contest – where people can vote for their favorite of 12 different fat bears photographed & living at Katmai National Park & Preserve. Organizers say they won’t accept write-in candidates for Fat Bears photographed vacationing at Fire Island or Provincetown.

One person was killed after a crane toppled over at a construction site in Florida. “Crane…there is no defense” said Mr. Miyagi.

Paris, France is dealing with a widespread infestation of bedbugs. Though experts say they’ll likely not harm residents since bedbugs aren’t fans of body odor, either.

A black man is suing the Atlanta Police Department, saying facial recognition technology mistakenly identified him as a fugitive from Louisiana. A police spokesperson admitted they were wrong, and that they used the ‘skin tone’ recognition setting by mistake.

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Apple says they’re going ‘all in’ on 5G technology in 2022, with factories hiring thousands of fifth graders.

Jeff Bezos gifted $100 million ‘Courage & Civility’ Awards to chef Jose Andres and CNN anchor Van Jones, so they can continue charitable work. Finalists are not yet announced for the Donald Trump ‘Cowardice & Hostility’ awards, but multiple January 6th rioters are in the running.

Joe Pytka, director of the original ‘Space Jam‘ movie, said ‘Space Jam: A New Legacy” is so boring he couldn’t finish it in one sitting. It’s one of the most scathing criticisms an 82-year-old has ever leveled against a children’s cartoon.

Provincetown, Massachusetts, a popular gay-friendly Cape Cod tourist destination, is experiencing a surge in COVID cases, causing officials to require guests & residents to wear masks with mouth holes.

The Milwaukee Bucks won the NBA title, but gunfire outside their home arena in the postgame celebration sent three people to the hospital with Buckshot wounds .

A COVID-positive Indonesian man was arrested for disguising himself as his wife so he could board a domestic flight on a local airline. He was discovered by the drunken groper in the adjacent seat.

“Floating breakfast” is a growing trend in the hospitality industry; it describes breakfast served in pools or hot tubs at luxury resorts, or, at Ramada Inns, the continental breakfast dumped into the toilet.

Kanye West threw a listening party for his new album in Las Vegas, which morphed into traffic jam at the parking lot exit halfway through the listening party.

Cecil County Maryland broke ground on what will be the biggest Great Wolf Lodge, a 700-room hotel and largest indoor water park – also home to the world’s largest concentration of water-borne bacteria.

A Philadelphia bakery apologized after making a cake honoring a police officer’s service anniversary with a Philadelphia Police Department logo reading ‘Coffee Donuts Corruption’ instead of ‘Honor Integrity Service’. The cop still ate the cake along with coffee & donuts.