By |

FAA officials took the first steps allowing Boeing 737 Max 9 jets to return to the skies. In a related move, Alaska Airlines will now sell premium ‘Panoramic View’ seats next to the giant hole where door plugs used to be.

Saudi Arabia opened its first store serving alcohol. So far, six men offering to buy women a drink have been beheaded.

Johnson & Johnson plans to settle litigation over the safety of its talc baby powder for $700 million. Greedy lawyers are quickly organizing class action lawsuits for victims of diaper rash.

Over 21 million people signed up for Obamacare, including several million in Iowa & New Hampshire who got their registration in before attending a Trump rally.

All teachers & staff at Siouxland Christian School in Sioux City, Iowa will carry guns. Complaints about the salisbury steak in the school cafeteria have been eliminated.

Grocery chain Stew Leonard’s recalled its florentine cookies after someone died eating them. Flags are flying at half-staff on Sesame Street.

A Wendy’s franchisee in Pennsylvania was cited with nearly 800 child labor law violations for not providing breaks for workers. The franchisee said he doesn’t understand why they need bathroom breaks if he’s paying for their Pull-Ups.

Gene Robinson was consecrated as the first openly gay bishop in the Episcopal Church. “Open, you say?” .. asked a few hundred Catholic bishops thinking long & hard about making the Episcopal team switch.

Taylor Swift’s fans are battling against AI-generated pornographic images & videos featuring the popular singer. They were being shared on social media sites, and discovered by parents of teenagers viewing them and shaking it off.

10 Philadelphia area restaurants were named as semifinalists for James Beard Awards – while dozens of other steak & wing joints were sent cease and desist orders to never apply again.

By |

A groundskeeper mowed around a half-naked dead body in front of an abandoned North Carolina home because he thought it was a Halloween decoration. Police say they can’t blame him since most werewolves they see aren’t wearing pants.

A collegiate cheerleading coach quit her job and moved from Florida to Virginia, only to arrive and discover she was never really hired. She is now unemployed and in the future won’t be. aggressive. be-be agressive.

Shannon O’Connor, a 48-year-old California mom, faces felony charges for hosting alcohol-fueled sex parties for high school students. Her Google history included searches for ‘hot 16 year old girls’. It also included searches for ‘party clowns’ since she hosted alcohol-fueled parties for kindergartners.

Star of Disney’s The Little Mermaid, Halle Bailey, is reportedly pregnant. She’s considering a water birth, either naturally, or under-the-sea section.

An incarcerated California serial killer claimed he murdered his pedophile cell mate because of his poor personal hygiene. And just because, you know, it’d been a while.

The average cost for employers to provide health insurance to families rose to $24,000 per year. The cost for fired employees to maintain coverage through COBRA rose to $50,000 per month.

Eight airports in France were closed for security reasons. And because the Parisian bedbug infestation has gotten so bad they’re now hijacking planes to other countries.

European budget airline easyJet cancelled a flight from Tenerife to London because a passenger defecated on the bathroom floor before takeoff. Investigators are running DNA of a Mickey Mouse Pull-Up abandoned at the crime scene.

The FBI released a list of 10 Most-Stolen Cars, as U.S. auto thefts increased 20%. The most-stolen is muscle car Dodge Charger SRT Hellcat. The other 9 were Any Cars Driven By Someone Lost In Philadelphia After Midnight.

Britney Spears claims in her new autobiography that she had an abortion after getting pregnant with Justin Timberlake. Britney said the decision was Tearin’ Up My Heart, as Timberlake bid the child Bye Bye Bye.

By |

A Philadelphia day care was robbed. Police describe the suspects as wearing “Stick ‘Em Up” Pull-Ups.

Louis C.K. won Best Comedy Album at the Grammys. Several women backstage couldn’t believe he pulled it off!

Coca-Cola is launching Coca-Cola Byte, a limited edition flavor that the company claims tastes like “pixels”. To the average consumer, ‘pixels” taste like aspartame and tooth decay.

Grammy winner Doja Cat almost missed her award presentation due to a bathroom break; fortunately attendants were able to find a litter box in time.

Google employees are angry that bidets are being removed from office toilets. A senior manager emailed “removal of bidets is my #2 issue with return to office”. A different manager replied “yeah, we know what bidets do”.

A German man received 90 COVID shots so he could sell his vaccine cards to unvaccinated residents. He was arrested, but not jailed, so he could still collect his award for CVS Pharmacy Customer Of The Month.

Martha Stewart’s four dogs killed her cat. Stewart said she will miss the cat, and regrets not having any recipes for it.

The working lyric sheet for Beatles hit ‘Maxwell’s Silver Hammer’ is being sold, at a price of $450,000. Afterward, the lyrics and masters for ‘Yellow Submarine’ will be sold for $500,000, with the requirement that the buyer burn them.

‘All My Children‘ soap opera actress Susan Lucci’s husband, Helmut, passed away at age 84. Or…did he???

Researchers discovered sound travels much slower on Mars than on Earth – leading to renewed interest in colonizing Mars from old married couples who don’t want to hear their spouse’s boring stories.