14 dogs hopping on their hind legs broke the Guinness World Record for longest canine conga line. Officials later disallowed a 16-dog line when it was determined they weren’t dancing, they were all just humping each other.

A Chinese spy balloon was finally shot down over Myrtle Beach. Parts of the balloon were retrieved from the ocean, along with an attached banner reading ‘Will you marry me Yingyue?’, and classified documents from the Trump & Biden administrations.

Republican members of Congress plan to boycott President Biden’s State of the Union address on Tuesday, citing disagreements with his policies, and fear of missing an all-new ‘9-1-1 Lone Star‘.

Dell is laying off over 6,000 workers, representing 5% of their workforce. Or, as a Dell spokesperson put it, they’re hitting Ctrl/Alt/Del on their careers.

Winners at the Grammy Awards included Harry Styles, Beyonce & Lizzo in the welterweight, middleweight and heavyweight divisions.

Including her wins last night, Beyonce’s 32 Grammys broke the record for the most Grammy wins all-time, formerly held by Hungarian-British conductor Georg Solti. Solti is busy assembling a new orchestra to record a Beyonce diss track.

Breakfast sandwiches and fruit cups were recalled for possible listeria contamination, which somehow make high school cafeteria food even riskier than usual.

A new study claims reducing alcohol consumption lowers dementia and Alzheimer’s risk. The study authors also claim if you’re drinking to forget, it’s working.

AMC Theaters will start variable pricing for seats at the movies. Seats in front rows will be cheaper, seats in the middle will be more expensive, and people in seats at Tyler Perry movies will be paid $14 each.

Dr. Phil’s decision to end his tv show came following attempts to revamp the show to win back advertisers. The attempts failed, as sponsors said “cash us out on The Kelly Clarkson Show, how bout dat?”

A Philadelphia day care was robbed. Police describe the suspects as wearing “Stick ‘Em Up” Pull-Ups.

Louis C.K. won Best Comedy Album at the Grammys. Several women backstage couldn’t believe he pulled it off!

Coca-Cola is launching Coca-Cola Byte, a limited edition flavor that the company claims tastes like “pixels”. To the average consumer, ‘pixels” taste like aspartame and tooth decay.

Grammy winner Doja Cat almost missed her award presentation due to a bathroom break; fortunately attendants were able to find a litter box in time.

Google employees are angry that bidets are being removed from office toilets. A senior manager emailed “removal of bidets is my #2 issue with return to office”. A different manager replied “yeah, we know what bidets do”.

A German man received 90 COVID shots so he could sell his vaccine cards to unvaccinated residents. He was arrested, but not jailed, so he could still collect his award for CVS Pharmacy Customer Of The Month.

Martha Stewart’s four dogs killed her cat. Stewart said she will miss the cat, and regrets not having any recipes for it.

The working lyric sheet for Beatles hit ‘Maxwell’s Silver Hammer’ is being sold, at a price of $450,000. Afterward, the lyrics and masters for ‘Yellow Submarine’ will be sold for $500,000, with the requirement that the buyer burn them.

All My Children‘ soap opera actress Susan Lucci’s husband, Helmut, passed away at age 84. Or…did he???

Researchers discovered sound travels much slower on Mars than on Earth – leading to renewed interest in colonizing Mars from old married couples who don’t want to hear their spouse’s boring stories.

Britney Spears is reportedly working on new music for the first time in six years. She’s struggling to rhyme ‘conservatorship’.

Alcohol-related deaths increased 25% during the pandemic – and 90% in households where in-laws moved in.

A Los Angeles driver sent a rented Tesla Model S airborne at a steep intersection, crashing into parked cars before fleeing on foot. Police are offering a reward for information leading to the capture of Elon Knelon.

Maury‘ is ending after 30 years. Povich’s wife Connie Chung looks forward to a dinner conversation that isn’t about pregnant single women.

Kanye West’s Grammy performance was cancelled by producers, citing his “concerning online behavior” and “music that threatens the life of his ex-wife’s boyfriend”.

The Cleveland Browns claim they did “extensive research” before acquiring accused sex criminal Deshaun Watson in a trade. As a result of their research, some of the women accusing Watson are now also suing Cleveland Browns personnel execs.

Applebee’s claims they want to be “more like McDonald’s and less like Olive Garden”. Either way, someone is gonna be disappointed on Mother’s Day.

Equifax, Experian & TransUnion credit reporting agencies say they’ll remove medical debt from credit reports. Since then, they’ve been inundated with requests from people with lousy credit scores saying they went to med school at University of Phoenix.

Dating app company Match Group launched Stir, a dating app for single parents. There’s a free version, and a Premium version that costs $89.99 of your child support money.

Justin Bieber’s wife, Hailey, was briefly hospitalized for evaluation of a brain condition – unrelated to extended conversations with Justin Bieber.

New Jersey enacted a law requiring all police officers wear body cameras. Then they passed another law requiring the cameras be worn with the lens facing outward.

Secret Service agents are reportedly being asked if they would consider transferring to Mar-A-Lago after January 20th. “Do we have to guard him too?” asked several candidates.

Dave Chappelle convinced Netflix to remove Chappelle’s Show from the service because he doesn’t collect royalties from it. Netflix also removed Rob Schneider’s comedy special – not because Schneider asked, but because it’s the right thing to do.

Jersey Shore’s Mike ‘The Situation’ Sorrentino and his wife are expecting a baby, ‘The Accident’.

Donald Trump plans to attend a Pennsylvania State Legislature hearing in Gettysburg on the state’s election processes at 12:30pm. Then he’ll ask for the Gettysburg Address of the nearest McDonald’s.

A mysterious metal monolith was found in a remote part of the Utah desert. Its purpose and origin were unknown until a jackrabbit came along and recharged his cell phone with it.

Joe Biden will address the nation on Thanksgiving about the alarming rise in COVID-19 cases, then flip a switch that lights a christmas tree and keeps his pacemaker running.

Thousands of prisoners in California State Penitentiaries received fraudulent claims for unemployment benefits, costing the state $20 million. The good news is the high-quality ingredients they purchased made 2020’s toilet wine the best vintage ever.

Scotland became the first country to require free menstrual products in public facilities nationwide. The costs to the nation are expected to be offset by an economic boom in tennis, horseback riding and bicycling.

The audio book for Alex Trebek’s memoir ‘The Answer Is..Reflections on My Life‘ was snubbed by the Grammys in the Best Spoken Word Album category. Grammy officials said the title was not submitted in the form of a question.

Clothing retailer Express closed 31 stores over the weekend – fast!

China warns the deadly Wuhan coronavirus is becoming more infectious. Australia has confirmed four cases, and is planning to control further outbreak of the virus by burning it.

U.S. health officials confirmed the fifth stateside case of coronavirus, a college student in Arizona. The student is in isolation but, like most Arizona college students, is not worried about missing classes.

Billie Eilish swept four major Grammy categories – Record, Album, Song of the Year & Best New Artist. Oddsmakers now predict ‘Joker’ will win multiple Oscars because of this being such a big year for green hair.

A new book by former National Security Adviser John Bolton reportedly confirms  Donald Trump illegally withheld aid to Ukraine until they investigated the Biden family. The White House reportedly had a preview manuscript of the book for a month, but were waiting for the pop-up version before reading it.

Disney is reportedly adding Fastpass to its Star Wars theme park rides, after visitor complaints about how many parsecs it takes for the line to move.

Florida held its annual Python Bowl, where hunters are invited to catch the large constrictor snakes to reduce their population. That evening in Miami, they held the afterparty – also called Python Bowl – an all-night gay male rave.

A new survey claims 94 percent of Millennials’ No. 1 life goal is to be debt-free. Coincidentally, 94 percent of their parents say their No. 1 life goal is to be free of Millennials debt, too.

Philadelphia’s Chinatown held a parade to recognize the Lunar New Year, welcoming the Year of the Rat. Or, as it’s called in Philadelphia Chinatown, Every Year.

The Wall Street Journal reports supermarkets are increasingly shutting down their pharmacy counters – after losing millions of dollars in OxyContin in the pharmacies’ self-checkout lanes.

A 16-year-old boy tried to smuggle methamphetamine across the U.S./Mexico border in a remote controlled car. He was arrested, and the Cancun Barbie at the wheel of the car was admitted to Dream House Rehab.

The operator of a self-driving Uber that struck and killed an Arizona pedestrian was the primary cause of the accident because she was watching ‘The Voice’ on her phone. Prosecutors say if she turned her chair around, she’d have seen the dashcam.

‘Harriet’ the cinematic biopic depicting Harriet Tubman, was originally developed 25 years ago, and a studio executive wanted Julia Roberts to play Tubman in the movie. Roberts declined because she thought one day she might run for Congress.

Grammy nominations were released; Taylor Swift’s ‘Lover’ only received three. Journalists seeking to reach her for comment were directed to her bedroom, since she doesn’t get out of bed for less than ten.

Representative Devin Nunes compared Trump’s dealings with Ukraine to George Washington’s communications with Great Britain, adding that present-day Democrats would want to impeach Washington in 1794. Democrats agreed that Washington and Trump are similar, but in that they have terrible hair.

Parts of California ravaged by wildfires are under a flash flood warning as heavy rain moved in. Although the flash floods were mainly isolated to the basements of houses that caught fire.

Google Earth introduced “creation tools” that allow users to create narrative projects featuring locations around the globe. It’s a great way to make a travelogue video of places you’ve never really visited to show to that girl or guy you want to sleep with.

A Texas mom is angry because an employee at her son’s daycare wrote that he needs to go on a diet. The employee said she wasn’t fat-shaming, just aware that it’s November and they’ve already blown through the annual budget for Lunchables.

A Russian bodybuilder dubbed “Popeye” nearly died after several liters of petroleum jelly were injected into each of his biceps. Doctors removed it along with dead tissue, then sent him to recovery, where a different bodybuilder dubbed “Bluto” beat the living s**t out of him.

Melania Trump invited Billy Ray Cyrus to a meeting at the White House with a family whose child died by suicide after cyberbullying. The First Lady said fighting online bullying is a part of her Be Best initiative, as is “getting photo selfie picture with achy breaky man”.

Two elementary school boys in Utah found a handgun in a snowbank, possibly discarded after a nearby domestic dispute. The boys had no problem holding everyone’s attention in Show & Tell, and easily found dates to the big school dance that weekend.

The average federal tax refund is down 8% so far this year, leading to an increase in sales of cheaper liquor.

Denver’s public school teachers went on strike Monday, saying their salaries are too low to keep up with both the city’s high cost of living, and legal-weed Colorado’s cost of living high.

The Cleveland Browns signed running back Kareem Hunt, who had been waived by the Kansas City Chiefs for physically abusing a woman. The Browns are kicking the tires, and hope tires are all Hunt kicks.

Cardi B mistakenly thanked Tom Petty for sending her congratulatory flowers after the Grammy Awards. Petty, who died in 2017, did not send them, but worked as hard as he could pushing them up.

Marlboro cigarette owner Altria invested $1.8 billion in cannabis company Cronos. They’re now busy casting the new Marlboro Man from a pool of white male douchebags with dreadlocks riding an electric scooter.

UCLA Medical Center developed an interactive pacifier to improve breathing for premature infants; it triggers a lullaby sung by a parent when they suck on it. It works well for the majority of babies, but some are spitting it out because their moms are lousy singers.

According to a new study, eating ultra-processed foods like sugary cereal shortens your life.¬† “Give me Fruity Pebbles AND give me death!” said a defiant child.

A powerful storm battered Hawai’i with 191mph winds and 60 foot waves. “Surfs up!” said people with flooded basements.

Former Trump attorney Michael Cohen postponed his scheduled Congressional testimony a third time – citing ‘post surgery medical needs.’ It’s unclear who ordered the surgery to remove Cohen’s tongue.

Chris Christie denied any ongoing rift with President Trump, saying Trump has offered him jobs including Secretary of Labor, Director of Homeland Security, Special Assistant & two ambassadorships…but that those aren’t jobs that he wanted. Trump has yet to offer him White House fry cook.

A gadget called LoveSync is seeking funding via Kickstarter. The LoveSync has two buttons, one for each partner to press, indicating their interest in sex. If both buttons are pressed, they can decide to have sex. No price has been set, but it’s light & compact enough to throw out the window.

Saudis deny involvement in leaks of Jeff Bezos’ private photos, saying his story is pretty boring since a multibillionaire with one wife and one mistress is really just a Starter Kit.

‘This Is America’ won Song of the Year at last night’s Grammy Awards — paving the way for the grand opening of the new Childish Gambino Cabaret Theater in Branson, Missouri.

Senator Elizabeth Warren announced she’s running for President. She’d been delaying her announcement until the weather was favorable enough for smoke signals to be seen from a great distance.

A New Zealand restaurant apologized when a server presented a receipt marked ‘Asians’ to a table, presumably to distinguish them from other patrons. The diners complained, and they were presented with a new receipt marked ‘Angry Asians’.

The U.S. Army described their specifications for the Next Generation Squad Weapon [NGSW], a high-tech rifle for future fighting forces. They say it will boost hit probability at long range, adjust for atmospheric conditions, and stop firing when it hears school bells ring.

Jennifer Aniston turned 50, making her eligible to star in romantic comedies opposite Robert Deniro.

Sportscaster Bob Costas claims he was fired by NBC Sports and prevented from hosting Super Bowl 52 because he spoke openly about concussions. Peers and fans alike defended Costas, saying he isn’t the only one wanting to concuss Cris Collinsworth.

Samsung is hosting a press conference on February 20, in which they’re expected to show off a new folding smartphone. Consumers are wary, thinking that once unfolded, it will be impossible to fold it back the right way ever again.

Dating app Bumble introduced ‘Spotlight’, its own version of Tinder’s ‘Boost’, where users can pay extra to have their profiles moved up to the front of the queue for 30 minutes. Bumble claims that, so far, it’s been a huge hit with rich ugly men.

McDonald’s added Donut Sticks to its McCafe Menu. They’ll only be available during breakfast hours, but if you insist on something sweet and bad for you after 10:30a.m., they’ll dump sugar on your french fries.