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Producers of The Oscars telecast controversially announced multiple technical awards will not be presented on air, to allow more time for co-host Amy Schumer to tell jokes that she stole.

A hostage standoff at an Apple Store in Amsterdam ended with the hostage fleeing to safety and the captor dying after being hit by a police car. The store will remain closed for a day, then reopen with the hostage still fourth in line at the Genius Bar.

A teen boy collected a $1,800 reward offered by his mother for staying off social media for six years. Then he downloaded Tinder and saw his mother.

Tom Brady will produce and star in ‘80 For Brady‘ – featuring Jane Fonda, Sally Field, Rita Moreno & Lily Tomlin – about four older women who attend the 2017 Super Bowl. Robert Kraft is also making a movie and cast two unknown 50-year-old Asian women.

A female professional clown said her Tinder profile was removed because she wore clown makeup in her profile photos. Tinder officials disputed her claim, saying it wasn’t the makeup, it was a video of her lifting her arms and her pants falling down. [Story h/t to J.K.]

Russia invaded Ukraine – leading to an increase in the price of oil, consumer products and, for some reason, your Comcast/Xfinity bill.

Los Angeles’ $1.2 billion program to build housing for the homeless is resulting in a $837,000 cost to house a single homeless person. Even more incredible, the homeless person is then flipping the house for $950,000.

Kim Kardashian asked a judge for an acceleration of her divorce, saying estranged husband Kanye West’s social media posts are causing her “emotional distress” that she “can’t make money from”.

In a new documentary, deceased comedian Jerry Lewis is accused of sexual harassment by two past female costars, claiming he pressed his doyyynkkk against their voyvinnnnggg!

A neurosurgeon’s recording of an 87-year-old man’s dying brain activity is reinforcing the belief that “life flashes before your eyes” before death – or, at least, the parts with nudity.

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West Virginia’s Governor authorized a 5% pay raise for teachers, tentatively ending a statewide teacher’s strike. The head of West Virginia’s teachers union hailed it as a right goodly return to book learnin’.

Nashville’s Mayor Megan Barry resigned and plead guilty to felony theft of city funds used to pay overtime to the head of her security detail, with whom she was having an affair. “I took money from the city, but you took felony theft of my heart” she sang on an open mic stage surrounded with chicken wire as beer bottles cascaded from the crowd.

The Food and Drug Administration approved 23andMe’s in-home genetic test kit for breast cancer.  However, women are being warned of 36andMe, a scam run by high schoolers saying they’ll run the test for half price after you send them pictures of your breasts.

A Federal Trade Commission study said that millennials are more likely than senior citizens to fall for online scams. A different study said that most online scammers are frustrated because millennials don’t have any money, and senior citizens can’t open the scammers’ emails.

Usher and his wife are separating. Insiders say she asked if he gave herpes to that girl suing him, and he said “Yeah!”.

Actress Rita Moreno attended the 2018 Academy Awards in the same dress she wore in 1962 when she won an Oscar for her performance in West Side Story. She said the biggest surprise was finding a note in the pocket from then-10-year-old Harvey Weinstein telling her to come to his hotel room that night.

President Donald Trump’s top economic adviser Gary Cohn resigned on Wednesday, leaving Melania Trump panicked wondering how much credit she has left on her Neiman Marcus card.

A wild otter attacked a 77-year-old woman kayaking down a Florida river – sending her to the hospital for facial stitches and rabies treatment. Authorities say this is the latest in a series of otter-related Yakjackings.

An Australian woman found the oldest known message in a bottle, dating back nearly 132 years after it was thrown from the German sailing ship ‘Paula’. Historians translated the note, an angry complaint wondering what happened to the pizza they’d ordered via bottle-message several weeks earlier.

New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady discussed the recent Super Bowl defeat on his Facebook show ‘Tom v. Time’, saying the loss was a chance to teach his three kids a valuable lesson about things not always turning out the way you want. He said he talked about it with them as they played Drop in the backyard.