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Obesity has been linked to infertility in women – leading guys who dislike condoms to reconsider their attitudes regarding “bigger chicks”.

Simon Gallup, longtime bassist for goth rockers The Cure, announced he’s leaving the band because he’s “fed up with betrayal”. And, fed up with having to have black hair.

The U.S. first daytime drive-in movie theater opened in Tennessee, featuring a gigantic LED screen. Sadly, a dozen kids died in hot cars watching a matinee.

Officials seized thousands of counterfeit golf clubs made in China. “Well that explains it” said terrible golfers who still suck after buying new clubs.

Joe Biden stands by his decision to pull out of Afghanistan, while Donald Trump stands by his decision to stay in Stormy Daniels.

A new study claims plant-based diets are the best way to avoid heart disease. “What’s the second-best way?” asked Americans.

Texas became the first state to make buying sex a felony. Owners are busy changing the sign to ‘The Best Little Accupressure Therapy House In Texas’.

The first ever Colorado River water shortage was declared. Production of Coors Light beer remains unimpacted, thanks to their strategic reserves of animal piss.

Britney Spears posted a gallery of topless photos on Instagram. “Damn” said Kevin Federline during his break at Big Lots.

The NFL Jacksonville Jaguars cut Tim Tebow, who attempted to reboot his career by moving from quarterback to tight end – this, before the Jaguars made him a loose end.

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Two-time Indy 500 winner Al Unser Jr. was arrested for driving while intoxicated. He was arrested after making a pit stop in a Burger King drive thru and yelling about how long it was taking to get four fresh tires.

The FCC approved a $26 Billion merger between T-Mobile and Sprint. The two company CEOs attempted to speak by phone, but the call dropped after 15 seconds.

Little Caesars is partnering with Impossible Foods on a pizza topped with plant-based sausage. The meatless sausage would become the fifth-weirdest ingredient in a $5 Little Caesars pizza.

Fans took to social media to complain about the series finale of HBO’s ‘Game Of Thrones’, some vowing never to use their friend’s HBO Go password again for at least another week.

A Wall St Journal study claims Millennials are nearing middle age in worse financial shape than every living generation that preceded them, despite having record-high levels of education. So, they’re smart enough to know how poor they are.

President Trump lashed out on Twitter after the New York Times reported Deutsche Bank had flagged transactions linked to him & Jared Kushner for money laundering. Trump said he didn’t need banks, and had never been to a money laundry in his life.

Billionaire Robert Smith, honorary degree recipient at Morehouse College, said in his commencement speech that he’s using $40 million to retire the student loans of all 2019 graduates.  Strayer University said Queen Latifah will not be doing so for graduates watching the speech she was Photoshopped into.

Facebook is experimenting with robotics, including leveraging “curiosity” to help robots learn faster via artificial intelligence. To demonstrate, one robot vaguebooked “..what a day..” and another robot asked “Hope you’re okay!”

Users of the new Google Pixel 3a budget phone are reporting that it shuts itself off once a day without warning. Google said they’re unaware of the problem, but advised affected users to try giving the phone something interesting to do.

Ford is laying off 2,000 headquarters employees, in news that the CEO described as Ford Tough.