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Producers of The Oscars telecast controversially announced multiple technical awards will not be presented on air, to allow more time for co-host Amy Schumer to tell jokes that she stole.

A hostage standoff at an Apple Store in Amsterdam ended with the hostage fleeing to safety and the captor dying after being hit by a police car. The store will remain closed for a day, then reopen with the hostage still fourth in line at the Genius Bar.

A teen boy collected a $1,800 reward offered by his mother for staying off social media for six years. Then he downloaded Tinder and saw his mother.

Tom Brady will produce and star in ‘80 For Brady‘ – featuring Jane Fonda, Sally Field, Rita Moreno & Lily Tomlin – about four older women who attend the 2017 Super Bowl. Robert Kraft is also making a movie and cast two unknown 50-year-old Asian women.

A female professional clown said her Tinder profile was removed because she wore clown makeup in her profile photos. Tinder officials disputed her claim, saying it wasn’t the makeup, it was a video of her lifting her arms and her pants falling down. [Story h/t to J.K.]

Russia invaded Ukraine – leading to an increase in the price of oil, consumer products and, for some reason, your Comcast/Xfinity bill.

Los Angeles’ $1.2 billion program to build housing for the homeless is resulting in a $837,000 cost to house a single homeless person. Even more incredible, the homeless person is then flipping the house for $950,000.

Kim Kardashian asked a judge for an acceleration of her divorce, saying estranged husband Kanye West’s social media posts are causing her “emotional distress” that she “can’t make money from”.

In a new documentary, deceased comedian Jerry Lewis is accused of sexual harassment by two past female costars, claiming he pressed his doyyynkkk against their voyvinnnnggg!

A neurosurgeon’s recording of an 87-year-old man’s dying brain activity is reinforcing the belief that “life flashes before your eyes” before death – or, at least, the parts with nudity.

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Former porn star Jenna Jameson shared an Instagram photo of her breastfeeding her 11-month-old son, advocating for normalcy to the act of breastfeeding in public. After the photo shoot, her son took a cigarette break and got a ride to his next job.

Trump will meet with tech billionaire Bill Gates at the White House on Thursday. Gates is expected to unplug Trump’s cable modem, wait 30 seconds, and plug it back in.

Actor Burt Reynolds told the Today show’s Hoda Kotb that he fell in love with Sally Field when Field was seven years old. Reynolds told Kotb he fought with producers who didn’t want to cast her in his movie Smokey And The Pedophile.

Anderson Cooper and his boyfriend of nine years, Benjamin Maisani, broke up amicably, and will share custody of the gym membership and dog.

A Sicilian prophet predicted the arrival of the Virgin Mary at 4:30pm local time on St. Patrick’s Day in a small chapel in southern Germany – the same day and time “pilgrims” said she arrived last year. They say they recognized Mary’s arrival by her “scent of roses”, although that was also the Febreze used to cover up the pasta fagioli lunch.

A group of Toyota engineers in Japan built a free-throw shooting robot that never misses. However the robot brings great shame on his family for his terrible grades.

Stormy Daniels’ attorney told MSNBC that in the wake of her admission of sex with Donald Trump she has been “physically threatened” – and emotionally traumatized by the memory of him in white briefs.

Playboy is introducing a new cryptocurrency that you can earn by interacting with porn, leading one customer to say “I’m rich, but boy is my arm tired.”

Apple is holding an education-focused event on March 27th at a Chicago high school. The American students will be lectured by Chinese Apple employees during their break from junior high school.

Five Pennridge High School students in Pennsylvania who participated in the National Walkout Against Gun Violence received extra detention for going to Dunkin Donuts while out of school. The students’ parents argued that since they all had coffee, they’ve been punished enough.