By |

Secretary of Transportation Pete Buttigieg was confirmed, making him the first openly gay White House appointee. “Openly” being the operative word, according to former Attorney General Jeff Sessions.

Alejandro Mayorkas was also confirmed as Secretary of Homeland Security, despite the objections of some Republicans, who had been a Mayorkas pain.

The famous HOLLYWOOD sign was changed to HOLLYBOOB by influencers protesting censorship on Instagram. They’re concerned if nudity remains banned on Instagram, people won’t know where to find it on the Internet.

Comcast will double the speed of its Internet Essentials broadband service for low-income households, allowing more families than ever the chance to get their cam-girl or Only Fans careers off the ground.

Elon Musk’s Neuralink – which has wired a monkey’s brain to play video games using only its mind – is preparing for human trials. Apparently the monkey is tired of playing video games by himself.

EA Sports will release a new college football video game. To keep from paying colleges and players for their name & likeness, Every team will be called Football University and every player’s name will be Football Guy.

Scientists claim COVID-19 lockdowns caused a reduction in harmful emissions that block sunlight, thereby warming the planet. While others believe the higher temperatures result from housebound couples screwing with the thermostat.

Researchers studying spiders say they use ‘silk pulleys’ to raise large prey off the ground once they’ve been captured. Once the prey is secured, they celebrate with music from the piano they lifted into the web.

Experts say people dying after getting the COVID-19 vaccine doesn’t mean the vaccine is deadly. However, being 98 years old kind of is.

Taco Bell introduced customizable $5 Cravings Boxes, with 18 possible meal combinations, and one possible gastrointestinal outcome.

By |

A new study in Nature Sustainability claims particles released growing corn, or ‘corn pollution’, causes thousands of deaths every year. This, on top of millions who die from embarrassment having corn particles released from the cob and stuck in their teeth.

Secretary of Homeland Security Kirstjen Nielsen resijned.

Local residents are outraged that a former substitute teacher in Louisiana who plead guilty to sex with three underage boys will not go to jail. Worse, she’ll serve out her sentence in after-school detention.

President Trump was criticized for nominating Stephen Moore and Herman Cain – each of whom has faced criminal charges or sexual harassment allegations – to the Federal Reserve Board. Trump dismissed the concerns since they’re serving on the Reserve board, not the Federal Starters Board.

A 51-year-old Tennessee man was arrested for killing his 76-year-old mother because she was “driving him crazy”. He was caught trying to flee the country, which in Tennessee means visiting a big city like Nashville.

Becky Lynch won the Smackdown and RAW women’s titles at Wrestlemania 35, pinning Ronda Rousey after 22 minutes, and in the process proving that there’s one more thing women are great at faking.

A suspected rhino poacher in South Africa was reportedly killed by elephants and eaten by lions. The rhinos claim to know nothing about it.

A University of Tokyo study claims 25% of Japanese women in their 20s & 30s are virgins. Experts say Japan lags behind other developed countries in sexual experience, while skeptics say the women just haven’t met the right American weirdo anime fan yet.

The U.S. Government will issue its first-ever dietary guidelines for babies, in order to lessen the risk of obesity. First guideline, no more adding Hershey’s Syrup or Strawberry Quik to breast milk.

A baseball field in Ridgefield, Connecticut will require $50,000 in repairs after coaches attempted to dry it by pouring gasoline on it and burning it. A child who tried sliding into home is now known as the Human Torch.