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A French man was kicked off of a Costa Cruises ship after staging what cruise officials called a ‘mutiny’ – leading dozens of passengers in angry protests over cancelled stops in Madagascar and Mauritius. The story was reported by The Telegraph, who spoke exclusively to a talking parrot wearing a tri-corner hat who lives on the man’s shoulder.

  • Costa Cruises cancelled the stop in Madagascar due a bubonic plague outbreak. Carnival Cruises continued service there, saying it couldn’t be worse than their house-brand norovirus on board.

Researchers from Cambridge University concluded that sheep can recognize human faces, according to their study that followed the activity of several hundred lambs on FarmersOnly.com.

Schools, libraries and other public buildings are ramping up ‘Active Shooter Training Classes’ to teach people how to react in the event of a shooting. The classes are incredibly popular, except for students who interrupt the simulation to ask “is this going to be on the final?”

Independent science research group Berkeley Earth said that Delhi, India’s pollution is so bad, breathing the air there is the equivalent of smoking 44 cigarettes in a day – making Delhi the hot new vacation destination for frugal residents of the Philadelphia suburbs.

Actress Portia de Rossi detailed her alleged sexual harassment by film star Steven Seagal. de Rossi said that when she met with Seagal, he unzipped his leather pants. Seagal refuted her account, saying he only wears button-fly leather pants.

Comedian/director Louis C.K.’s film ‘I Love You Daddy’ will no longer be released after The New York Times published numerous allegations that Louis C.K. masturbated in front of female comedians. Also cancelled, the film’s sequel ‘I Don’t Love You Like That Daddy’.

Alabama Republican Roy Moore will remain on the ballot for the state’s special Senate election, despite claims from several women that they had sexual contact with Moore when they were in their teens and Moore was in his 30s.  Moore’s campaign also cancelled the release of a long-form election ad ‘I Love You Uncle Roy.’

Apple has promised a software fix to a confirmed iPhone X issue where the screen freezes in very cold temperatures. The bug was reported by penguins, who also complained that any one of their friends could access their phones via facial recognition.

The California chapter of the NAACP passed several resolutions at its state conference, including one to remove The Star Spangled Banner as national anthem. No replacement song was named, although members are rumored to be split between ‘You Don’t Have to be a Star (To Be In My Show) and ‘X Gon’ Give It To Ya’.

Tinder reported a 19% increase in year-over-year revenue thanks to Tinder Gold, its premium service. Male subscribers consider Tinder Gold, at $9.99/month, a real bargain, since many say they’re used to paying up to five times that much to have sex with a woman they don’t know.

 

 

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A self-driving electric shuttle van in Las Vegas collided with a delivery truck within an hour of deployment on the city’s streets. The shuttle immediately fled the accident scene and was apprehended in a strip club parking lot, charged with reckless endangerment and possession of methamphetamine.

Congress is seeking to stem the illegal flow of cellphones into prisons. One U.S. Representative introduced a bill to cap jailed felons’ data plans at 1 gig/month.

  • The Federal Bureau of Prisons confiscated over 5,000 cellphones in 2016. Guards became suspicious when Hello Kitty iPhone cases became the top seller at federal penitentiary commissaries.

Pope Francis has banned the sale of cigarettes at the Vatican starting in 2018. “Now what are we going to put in our mouths and suck on?” asked priests.

An FBI counterterrorism supervisor in North Carolina reportedly got drunk and had his gun, Rolex watch and $60 cash stolen by an exotic dancer he took to his hotel room. President Trump announced even more extreme vetting of exotic dancers by the FBI and himself personally. [h/t to J. Koppel]

  • The FBI raised the terror threat level to Orange at the Boom Boom Room in Charlotte, North Carolina.

Outgoing Starbucks CEO Howard Schulz slammed the GOP tax plan as ‘fools gold’, implying that it will only help the wealthy and not lead to a more compassionate society. He then looked on as a $9/hour worker bought a $6 latte.

Apple refutes an FBI claim that it hasn’t helped their Quantico office in unlocking Texas church shooter Devin Kelley’s iPhone, saying they have no record of the office requesting an appointment at the Genius Bar.

Homeland Security conducted undercover tests and found Transportation Security Administration airport screeners failed to detect test weapons at a ‘disturbingly’ high rate.  The head of the TSA replied that workers lacked motivation – due to budget cuts, screeners who successfully found contraband no longer received Pupperoni.

Facebook continues to encroach on Craigslist territory with the introduction of property rentals to its rapidly growing Facebook Marketplace section. However, investment analysts warn that while Facebook Marketplace has grown 300% since its launch, it still lags Craigslist in market share among murderous creeps.

China’s President Xi Jinping said in a joint news conference with President Trump “the Pacific Ocean is big enough to accommodate China and the United States.” While Trump thought Xi was talking about free trade, he was really talking about global warming.

Portia de Rossi and Julianna Margulies have each come forward to allege sexual harassment by actor Steven Seagal. The two actresses say they waited to go public, citing the embarrassment of others knowing they wanted to be in a Steven Seagal movie.

 

 

 

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Fox News host Eric Bolling has been suspended pending an investigation into alleged unwanted sexts he sent to several female coworkers. Bolling is host of ‘The Five’, named for the sexts.

  • Bolling becomes the latest man at Fox News to be the subject of sexual harassment allegations, following late founder Roger Ailes, Bill O’Reilly, and almost all of Fox News Penis Photography Division.

Anny Divya, a 30 year-old woman, is the youngest commander/pilot of a Boeing 777 after receiving her certification from Air India. Passengers can expect to hear that they’ve totally reached their cruising altitude of, like, 35,000 feet or whatever.

10 people were injured when a flight from Greece to Philadelphia hit severe turbulence as it neared landing. Passengers described their experience as “terrifying” – both the experience of flight, and the experience of being in Philadelphia.

Swiss bank UBS released a study claiming that using self-flying, pilotless planes could save airlines $35 Billion per year, but that only 17% of passengers would welcome flying in a pilotless plane. The other 83% of respondents were sober.

A marijuana growing company purchased the entire town of Nipton, California for $5 million. Many of the small town’s 20 residents hope to be hired by the grower, register for employee benefits, then never show up for work again.

Vice President Mike Pence dismissed reports that he was considering a 2020 Presidential run as “disgraceful & offensive”. And, in all likelihood, true.

Atlanta firm Cardlytics – a research company specializing in tracking credit card spending – says young U.S. residents are spending less on gasoline and more on boutique fitness classes. The research is validated by Uber drivers who are so sick of hearing about your Soul Cycle class.

Bill and Hillary Clinton attended a screening of ‘Wonder Woman’. Bill stayed until the end, Hillary walked out when she realized it wasn’t about her.

A pop-up tornado in Tulsa, Oklahoma injured over 30 people, including six diners at a TGIFriday’s. None of their injuries were life-threatening, mostly related to flying debris and endless mozzarella sticks.

A New Jersey surgeon is believed to be among the first to use a plastic, 3d-printed skull implant on a human. The patient is expected to make a full recovery and resume smashing beer cans in to his head at the Jersey Shore.