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CNN published a list of 6 Things To Look For during tonight’s presidential debate. All 6 are other shows airing at 9p.m.

The Tampa Bay Lightning defeated the Dallas Stars in six games to win the Stanley Cup in the NHL ‘bubble’ in Edmonton. They’ll be bringing the Cup home to share with fans in a superspreader event.

Grand jury proceedings in the Breonna Taylor case will be released to the public following a judge’s order. Then those documents will be summarized for the Cliff Notes Rioter’s Edition.

COVID-19 has claimed one million lives worldwide, and it’s looking forward to expanding that number once Tom Cruise gets to the International Space Station.

Amazon introduced Amazon One – a contactless way to authenticate purchases or allow ticketless entry by scanning your palm. It also won’t let you buy something or enter a stadium until you wash your filthy hands.

Scientists discovered evidence of multiple underground lakes on Mars; it’s signs next to the lakes reading “swim at your own risk”.

Disney + ‘GroupWatch’ is now available in the U.S. – so up to six different streamers can watch the same program at once, and one can tell the other five to shut the f*** up during The Mandalorian Season 2 premiere.

A new musical variety show debuted, featuring a singing hologram of Whitney Houston. Then it shut down when the hologram checked into rehab.

Pornhub is showing ‘Califreaknik Pool Party’ – film of a Labor Day party during the pandemic featuring nude dancers. Women who arrived topless were reportedly let in for free. Cops shut the party down despite dancers oiling their bodies with Purell.

Kylie Jenner posted bikini photos on Instagram, urging her 200 million followers to register and vote. So far several million morons followed her advice and cast votes for Kylie Jenner.

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The Washington Capitals won the Stanley Cup, defeating the Vegas Golden Knights four games to one. Capitals’ captain Alex Ovechkin was named the Most Valuable Player in the playoffs, and accepted a congratulatory phone call from the President — Vladimir Putin.

Dine Brand Global – which also owns Applebee’s and Denny’s – is being warned by brand experts against changing the name of IHOP to IHOB. Executives aren’t worried, saying they want customers to know they can get more than just pancakes, they can also get botulism.

President Trump said that he wants to speak with NFL players who kneel during the anthem so they can recommend people for pardons because they’ve been treated unfairly by the justice system. Trump then asked aides how you pardon unarmed black citizens shot dead by cops.

MIT scientists created an artificial intelligence “psychopath” named Norman, that they programmed using captions about graphic images of death posted by humans on Reddit. The scientists may shut Norman down after he registered to vote and spent hundreds of dollars online buying Make America Great Again apparel.

Consulting firm Deloitte reports that the legalization of recreational marijuana in Canada would create a $4 billion dollar industry – but would also risk making everyone a slower skater.

Kendall Jenner posted a topless photo of herself on Instagram, with ice cream emojis covering her nipples. For everyone wondering how big?.. just one scoop.

The Federal Reserve reported that Americans household net worth exceeded $100 trillion for the first time ever – a result of rising home values, a robust stock market, and The Man screwing everyone over.

Alice Marie Johnson, the woman whose life sentence President Trump commuted this week following his meeting with Kim Kardashian, promised Trump “I will make you proud”. She then kicked all the black family members out of her house while standing for the National Anthem.

Facebook admits that 14 million users “friends only” posts were made public because of a software bug. “I wondered where all those Likes were coming from!” said losers with only a couple dozen friends.

BuzzFeed is laying off 20 people – shocking everyone who didn’t know BuzzFeed actually paid anyone.

Measurement company Zenith said that in 2019, people around the world will spend more time online than they do watching TV, that is unless broadcast networks finally wise up and start showing porn.