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Cat food brand Fancy Feast is opening a two-day pop-up Italian trattoria restaurant for humans in New York City. So far, no one has applied for the short-term job scooping the restrooms.

A passenger entering Australia after a flight from Indonesia was fined $1,874 for failing to declare two Egg McMuffins in their luggage. Australia has strict new biosecurity measures to prevent illness from Indonesian McFoot & McMouth Disease,

Nichelle Nichols, Lt. Uhura from Star Trek, passed away at 89. According to her manager, she’ll only appear at Trek conventions for just two more months.

Someone turned in 62 3D-printed ‘ghost guns’ at a Houston gun buyback event, collecting a $150 gift card for each. The owner said the guns are no good to him anyway, because the bullets fly right through the ghosts.

Spectrum Cable was ordered to pay $7 billion in damages to the family of an elderly Texas woman murdered by one of its employees. Spectrum plans to appeal the award, and raised the family’s bill by ten bucks a month.

Because he got a foot-long back tattoo with Subway sandwich shops new Subway Series logo, a Las Vegas man now gets free Subway sandwiches for life. He plans to eat Subway cheesesteaks and meatball subs every day for the rest of his life – about 14 months.

Applebee’s launched a line of lip gloss that tastes like chicken wings – good news for men who like the taste of chicken wings, and kissing 70-year-old ladies who buy lip gloss at Applebee’s.

The NFL plans to suspend Cleveland Browns quarterback Deshaun Watson for six games, following its new “one game suspension for every five sexual assaults” formula.

Taylor Swift’s team rushed to her defense after a report stated her private jet took 180 trips in seven months, making her a “climate criminal”. They say the trips weren’t all hers, since she routinely loans her jet out so her two cats can visit out-of-town family.

Elon Musk’s father Errol said he’s not necessarily proud of his billionaire son, and that he needs to lose weight. It’s difficult to know how Elon will react to the stinging criticism from the guy who knocked up his stepsister.

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Director Josh Hawley confirmed his new Star Trek film will have a completely new crew – guaranteeing six nobody actors income for life signing autographs and taking pictures with nerds.

Kanye West shared video of himself urinating on a Grammy award. “Hey, anyone seen my missing Grammy award?” asked Taylor Swift.

Bad news: the CDC Director said coronavirus vaccines won’t be widely available until the middle of next year. Good news: they’ll be for COVID-19, 20 & 21.

Gwen Stefani and Blake Shelton are rumored to be breaking up. If so, we’ll get terrible country and ska songs out of it.

Investigators found traces of a nerve agent used to poison Russian opposition leader Alexei Navalny on a hotel water bottle. Navalny, who is recuperating, said that’s the last time he stays at Red Roof Inn in Siberia.

The U.S. Golf Association’s U.S. Open started today, delayed by three months, now that they could finally get tee times.

WNBA great Maya Moore married Jonathan Irons, a wrongfully convicted man who she helped free from prison. Moore plans to remind Irons of this when they have an argument about housework.

Elon Musk’s SpaceX is launching 60 more Starlink Internet satellites, as part of its longer-term plan to launch broadband Internet service to rural areas that can’t yet access Pornhub.

A survey of frequent fliers named Ireland’s Donegal Airport the world’s most scenic landing spot. The same survey named the world’s worst landing spot “any middle seat on Spirit Airlines”.

Students at University of Wisconsin – Madison who test positive for COVID-19 are sent to a special “COVID dorm”. They’re disapointed at first, but happy at not having to wear masks when they hook up.

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A woman saved her yellow labrador’s life with Narcan after the dog chewed open a bottle of oxycodone and overdosed. The dog fully recovered and now works as a counselor to other dogs struggling with opioids.

A Utah dog retrieved help for two girls struck by lightning. Rescuers eventually found the girls, after first misunderstanding the dog say there was trouble at the old mill.

A worker was suspended for punching an EasyJet passenger in the face after an altercation at the airport in Nice, France. Or as it’s now known, Not-So-Nice, France.

New series Star Trek:Discovery will introduce Lieutenant Stamets, the first openly gay character in the Star Trek Universe — a claim disputed by those who served on the Enterprise with Sulu and Data.

A British man totaled a new $260,000 Ferrari less than an hour after driving it off the lot. The man survived the fiery wreck and said his only regret was insuring the car with The General.

Katie Couric is leaving Yahoo. “Who? What?” said everyone under 30.

A pregnant ob/gyn went in to labor after starting to deliver her patient’s baby just minutes earlier. She told the patient to push twice – once with her hips to push the patient’s baby out, and once with her hands to hold the doctor’s baby in until she was done.

A woman called 911 to report a boa constrictor repeatedly biting her face. The 911 Operator told the woman how lucky she was, since boa constrictors usually just crush people to death.

The Chicago Cubs will give a 2016 World Series ring to infamous fan Steve Bartman. Bartman will receive two rings – one to keep and one to drop.

A new study in the journal Frontiers of Public Health states that Overfat people – those of normal body weight with too much fat in their bodies – are a growing at-risk subset of the population. Overfat people replied that they prefer the term Well-Marbled.

Los Angeles will host the 2028 Summer Olympics. Crowds of excited locals are expected to arrive at the games in the autumn.

Anthony Scaramucci is out as White House Communications Director after just one week – according to a statement he released to himself.

A U.S. District Court of Appeals sided with a consumer advocacy group, saying the FAA needs to reconsider regulating the narrowing widths of airline seats. Airlines countered that narrower seats are needed to create wider aisles to drag passengers.