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Tonga recorded its first case of COVID-19. They would restrict visitors but nobody knows where it is to begin with.

Democratic Senator Kyrsten Sinema is reportedly receiving huge donations from multi-level marketing companies. Sinema is refusing to support infrastructure bills until Speaker Nancy Pelosi buys something at her Mary Kay party.

A man using a metal detector in East Norfolk, England found the largest trove of Anglo-Saxon gold coins, dating back to 630 A.D. He’ll add this to his massive find of bottle caps, dating back to a graduation party in June.

The American Journal of Public Health claims a habit of drinking sweetened sodas causes premature aging. Some coroners have already ordered autopsy forms with ‘Mountain Dew’ pre-printed in the Cause of Death section.

Fox News host Tucker Carlson claims he understands opioid addicts now, after being medicated for an emergency back surgery early this week. No further details were given, but it’s believed Carlson’s back broke from the weight of his being so full of shit.

After closing 600 stores during the pandemic, Starbucks announced plans to open as many 500 new locations in hospital intensive care units.

Will Smith said he fell in love with co-star Stockard Channing while ‘method acting’ during their filming of Six Degrees of Separation. His love was unrequited, as Channing remained in love with Kenickie while ‘method acting’ a decade earlier in Grease.

Megan Thee Stallion shared pics on Instagram, posing in a thong and adding “showed my a** and still went to class”, as she prepares to get her diploma from Texas Southern University on December 11th. She’ll become the school’s first ever Valetwerktorian.

No camera crews from Kim Kardashian’s new Hulu show were present at her dinners with comic Pete Davidson on Staten Island. So Kim fired the camera crew.

New York & Chicago are reportedly paying children $100 each to get COVID vaccines, as reports emerge of 2nd graders ‘making it rain’ at lavish playground parties with dancers spinning on monkey bars.

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Grovetown, Georgia is requiring registered sex offenders in the area to report to a municipal facility on Halloween night for ‘childrens’ safety’. However, trick-or-treaters are appealing for leniency, once they found out the offenders were planning to hand out full-size KitKat bars.

More suspicious explosive packages have been identified, delivered to Vice President Joe Biden and actor Robert Deniro. Deniro notified police when he received an email from UPS reading “your shipment of pipe bomb has been delivered!”

Following her now-infamous Halloween-costume blackface comments Tuesday on the Today show, Megyn Kelly opened Wednesday’s show saying “I want to open with two words: I’m sorry.” Kelly’s time slot aired a rerun on Thursday. Her Friday segment will start with “I want to open with two words: I’m fired.”

A caravan of migrants fleeing Central America for the United States has grown to approximately 10,000. Or, as Sean Spicer called it, two million.

President Trump denied using a personal iPhone that can be bugged by Russian and Chinese spies. This, as Chief of Staff John Kelly translated iMessages received in Russian and Chinese reading “speak up.”

Duchess Meghan Markle was photographed at an event in Tonga wearing a red dress with a tag hanging off of the hem. She had just arrived there from Australia, where she dedicated the grand opening of Brisbane’s newest TJ Maxx.

Google released ‘Night Sight’ mode for its Pixel smartphones, a low-light camera setting that its makers claim will save you from ever having to use the flash again. “It really is terrific!” say Peeping Toms looking at their latest Pixel snaps.

Starbucks opened a first-of-its-kind location in Washington, DC, where every employee is fluent in American Sign Language — providing a long-awaited opportunity for pretentious deaf douchebags to sign a 90-second order and still see the wrong name written on their cup.

The FDA approved Genentech’s Xofluza, a new oral medication for treatment of the flu. It’s to be taken within 48 hours of showing symptoms, or not taken at all if you’d rather just miss a full week of work.

Jamie Lee Curtis said that she was paid just $8,000 for her role in the original ‘Halloween’. Worse, the guy who played Michael Myers just got to keep his wardrobe and the knives.