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Tonga recorded its first case of COVID-19. They would restrict visitors but nobody knows where it is to begin with.

Democratic Senator Kyrsten Sinema is reportedly receiving huge donations from multi-level marketing companies. Sinema is refusing to support infrastructure bills until Speaker Nancy Pelosi buys something at her Mary Kay party.

A man using a metal detector in East Norfolk, England found the largest trove of Anglo-Saxon gold coins, dating back to 630 A.D. He’ll add this to his massive find of bottle caps, dating back to a graduation party in June.

The American Journal of Public Health claims a habit of drinking sweetened sodas causes premature aging. Some coroners have already ordered autopsy forms with ‘Mountain Dew’ pre-printed in the Cause of Death section.

Fox News host Tucker Carlson claims he understands opioid addicts now, after being medicated for an emergency back surgery early this week. No further details were given, but it’s believed Carlson’s back broke from the weight of his being so full of shit.

After closing 600 stores during the pandemic, Starbucks announced plans to open as many 500 new locations in hospital intensive care units.

Will Smith said he fell in love with co-star Stockard Channing while ‘method acting’ during their filming of Six Degrees of Separation. His love was unrequited, as Channing remained in love with Kenickie while ‘method acting’ a decade earlier in Grease.

Megan Thee Stallion shared pics on Instagram, posing in a thong and adding “showed my a** and still went to class”, as she prepares to get her diploma from Texas Southern University on December 11th. She’ll become the school’s first ever Valetwerktorian.

No camera crews from Kim Kardashian’s new Hulu show were present at her dinners with comic Pete Davidson on Staten Island. So Kim fired the camera crew.

New York & Chicago are reportedly paying children $100 each to get COVID vaccines, as reports emerge of 2nd graders ‘making it rain’ at lavish playground parties with dancers spinning on monkey bars.

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U.S. surgeons successfully transplanted a pig kidney to a human patient for the first time. However, the human patient is brain dead, so he’ll never get a chance to thank the pig.

Human remains were found near the belongings of Brian Laundrie in a Florida nature preserve. The remains were located next to a family of alligators looking at the dessert tray.

Donald Trump launched a new social media app ‘Truth Social’. Although they’re considering changing the name to ‘Facebook’ once that name is let go by the current owners.

Five veterans have resigned from embattled Arizona Senator Kyrsten Sinema’s advisory board. Although Sinema’s representative said she asked them to leave because they don’t know how to send bribes in Venmo.

NASA built a working electric motorcycle for moon exploration. Unfortunately violent gang Moon’s Angels already claimed the Sea of Tranquility as their turf.

LEGO issued the long-awaited ‘Home Alone‘ playset, then promptly recalled it after dozens of children suffered severe burns and puncture wounds.

‘The Sopranos’ creator David Chase is reportedly in discussions with HBO Max on a prequel series, where the lovable gang learns how to mix & pour concrete and use guns.

A tiny crab found preserved in 100-million-year-old amber lived among dinosaurs, and is believed to be responsible for annoying tyrannosaurus jock itch.

Female lawyers and judges in Afghanistan are reportedly in constant fear under the new regime. “The whole TRIAL is out of ORDER!!” said Taliban Pacino Esq.

Netflix CEO Ted Sarandos finally admitted that he “screwed up” – referring to his recent decision to air Rob Schneider’s stand-up special.