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Steamboat Springs, Colorado shot off the world’s largest firework – weighing 2,800 pounds – at its winter carnival.  Roughly a thousand dogs and cats have not been seen since.

Bong Joon-ho won Best Director and his film ‘Parasite’ won Best Picture at the Oscars. It was a big night for ‘ho’s as Blac Chyna also was invited to the Oscars for some reason.

Oscars coverage started at 6:30p.m. Eastern time, and concluded around 11p.m. – about enough time to get halfway through ‘The Irishman’.

Bill Gates is reportedly considering the purchase of a 112-foot superyacht, powered by liquid hydrogen, at a price of $644 million. It has a helipad, gym, swimming pools, and a galley full of slaves to paddle it since nobody knows where to buy liquid hydrogen.

The XFL debuted over the weekend, with attendance of over 17,000 at each of the four games. Players are so confident, they’re already asking for next weekend off from their regular jobs.

Chinese health officials report 1,000 deaths from the Wuhan coronavirus, and say that 40,000 people sickened may be the “tip of the iceberg”. They said that because one of the cruise ships quarantined for coronavirus struck an iceberg.

The new craze in skin care is ‘dermaplaning’, where vellus, or ‘peach fuzz’ hair and a top layer of dead skin cells are removed. Experts warn the procedure should only be done by a licensed dermatologist with a surgical scalpel, or a buddy looking to try out his new belt sander.

A stripper in Texas fell off of a 15-foot pole on to the stage below, then began twerking –or, as the EMTs who arrived later called it, convulsing.

Chipotle is offering a ‘Guac Mode’ promotion, free guacamole to new & existing Chipotle Rewards members in February. This is different than their longstanding ‘Emergency Mode’ program, which is what they call Rewards program members contracting E.coli.

Warner Bros/DC Comics film ‘Birds of Prey’ – highlighting DC villainess Harley Quinn – opened with $33 million at the weekend box office, far short of the $45-55 million projected. Analysts blamed competition from the Oscars, the movie’s R rating, and not enough naked Birds.

 

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Michael Phelps lost his race with a great white shark during an event to kick off Discovery Channel Shark Week. The result is not yet official, since the shark has yet to submit a urine sample.

  • Phelps told Jimmy Fallon he wished he could have swam in the open water instead of a protective cage. The shark agreed.

An alligator was spotted and captured swimming near a pier in Miami Beach. Alligators are fresh water creatures, but experts assume it left for the beach because there are more people to eat there.

Donald Trump dedicated the newest naval aircraft carrier, the USS Gerald Ford. Somehow the aircraft carrier received a 35% approval rating in a Washington Post poll.

Reports say Trump has been consulting his legal experts regarding the extent of his Presidential power to pardon. Given the number of family and staff under Federal investigation, “A Thousand Pardons” may go from being an Asian cliche to being Trump’s exit strategy.

Chris Froome won his 3rd consecutive Tour de France. Froome said his title effort took a lot of tainted blood, tainted sweat & tainted tears.

The Department of Labor ordered Wells Fargo Bank to rehire a manager who acted as whistleblower in the company’s fake account scandal, and to pay her $577,500 in back wages. Wells Fargo plans to appeal the ruling and will place the money in six checking accounts that she never asked for.

The robbery of a Fresno CA Starbucks by a man wearing a Transformers mask was foiled when a customer hit him over the head with a chair. The Decepticon was captured and the hero transformed back in to a cappuccino machine.

A Detroit real estate company ad sparked outrage. The Bedrock Detroit outdoor ad with the slogan “See Detroit Like We Do” depicted mostly white people, despite the City of Detroit being 82% black. The ad was removed, and still nobody is all that interested in seeing Detroit.

The Estate of Albert Einstein corrected an Ivanka Trump tweet, which incorrectly attributed a quote “If the facts don’t support the theory, change the facts” to Einstein, even though he never said it. Ivanka replied “there you go, changing the facts.”

Snooty, the world’s oldest manatee in captivity, died just days after his 69th birthday – as the nationwide opioid epidemic claims yet another victim.

Warner Bros and DC Comics announced a Wonder Woman sequel at San Diego Comic Con, after meeting Diana Prince’s demands to be paid ‘Bruce Wayne money’.