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‘Thursday’ is a new dating app that only works on Thursdays, and all of a user’s matches disappear at the end of the day. Men who go on dates with women can keep dating them if it goes well, or label them C U Next Thursday if it doesn’t.

Russian chess player Amina Abakarova was suspended from competitive play after poisoning her opponent by spraying mercury on their pieces. Abakarova may also be disqualified from her upcoming appearance in the Werther’s Originals Checkers Grand Nationals.

Swimmers were shocked to see an alligator swimming in Lake Erie near Erie, Pennsylvania. The alligator isn’t exactly thrilled to be in Erie, Pennsylvania either.

A 7.1 magnitude earthquake off the coast of Japan triggered a tsunami warning, and a potential oversupply of sushi.

A California teacher was shocked when she discovered a bear had broken into her classroom and eaten all the granola bar snacks. She was even more shocked when the bear’s mother showed up to complain that the granola bars her child ate weren’t gluten free.

New research finds harmful bacteria can survive being microwaved. Although the bacteria eventually die from ingesting Hot Pockets and Totino’s Pizza Rolls.

A woman died of suicide after choking herself to death on a baggage carousel at Chicago’s O’Hare Airport. Meanwhile, at Philadelphia Airport, at least 3 people died after collapsing after 7 hours waiting at a baggage carousel.

Two people were stabbed at a Philadelphia rehab center. One was stabbed and the other restabbed.

The Biden Administration is sponsoring new regulations to make it easier to unsubscribe to apps and online services, and to require the ability to speak with a live customer service rep. If passed, it’s expected to create millions of new jobs in India.

After Kamala Harris championed exempting service worker’s tips from taxes, Donald Trump said she doesn’t have any of her own ideas, she just steals his. Harris plans to greet Trump at their September debate by grabbing him by the balls.

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With CDC guidance allowing vaccinated grandparents to visit in-person with their asymptomatic grandchildren, there’s now a nationwide shortage of Werther’s Originals and other terrible candy.

Pepsi introduced Driftwell, a new carbonated seltzer to drink at bedtime so you can belch yourself to sleep.

A surge in coronavirus cases has shut down Italy once again. Health officials blame another new variant of COVID-19, the Sunday Gravy Variant.

Despite reports saying they’d broken up, Jennifer Lopez and Alex Rodriguez say they’re still a couple, but are ‘working through some things’ – specifically, coming to terms with who’s the bigger ass in the relationship.

Indiana University suspended Kappa Kappa Gamma sorority for making pledges play “Blow or Blow” – forcing a choice between giving a blow job or snorting cocaine. After the choice, the woman was told they didn’t have to do either. Complaints were filed by pledges excited about free cocaine.

A judge ruled Google must face a lawsuit that it tracks Chrome browser users even in ‘Incognito Mode’. If the tracking data is released, Pornhub is confident their unique views will increase by roughly one zillion percent.

The Vatican said it will not bless same-sex unions, calling homosexuality a ‘sin’ and a ‘choice’. “Well, I guess it’s off to Protestantism” said engaged priest/altar boy couples.

A large wildfire ripped through southern New Jersey and even jumped the New Jersey Turnpike as it spread. Firefighters sought to contain the blaze so it could be ticketed for failure to pay tolls and not using the fire lane.

Toys R Us has been sold to a new owner, who’s planning to open stores as soon as possible. Parents will be required to wear masks and small children will be required to wear muzzles.

A Chalfont, PA woman was arrested for altering images of girls on her daughter’s cheerleading squad to make them appear naked, smoking & drinking – in an effort to get them kicked off. It backfired and the cheer coach made them all captains at a party at his house.