Alabama called off an execution because they had trouble finding a vein in the prisoner for lethal injection. They rescheduled the execution after they had no trouble finding bullets.

Boeing agreed to pay $200 million for misleading the public about the safety of the 737 Max jet following two fatal crashes in 2018 and 2019. Spirit Airlines faces similar fines for misleading its passengers when promising a pleasant travel experience.

A man was arrested for punching an American Airlines flight attendant in the back of the head on a flight from Mexico to Los Angeles. The flight attendant will be evaluated for head injuries, and may miss work until he can once again demonstrate how seat belts work.

Philadelphia police warned that carjackers are attacking more suburban areas, since they need SUVs and minivans to carpool with other carjackers.

Authorities in Montgomery County, Texas arrested one of their own police officers in an undercover prostitution sting at a local hotel. He was fired, and no one believed his story that he, himself, was undercover as a guy carrying condoms looking for the ice machine.

Only Fans model Valentina Belucci said she gets paid for looking at photos of men’s penises and writing her ‘review’ of them. Although she said it takes a while to get paid by their health insurance.

Pepsi will no longer sponsor the Super Bowl Halftime Show. The NFL announced that Apple Music is the new sponsor, adding that it “couldn’t think of a more appropriate partner” to write billion-dollar checks for ten minutes of forgettable entertainment.

Convicted murderer and cannibal Mark Latunski said he killed and ate a hairdresser named Kevin Bacon – but admitted even he wouldn’t eat liver and Bacon.

Congressman Matt Gaetz, currently facing allegations of sex with a minor, announced he’ll start streaming on Twitch. Gaetz said it’s just one of the ways to view him, including Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, YouTube, and photos sent to 17-year-olds.

The Boston Celtics suspended head coach Ime Udoka for a consensual sexual relationship with a member of the team’s staff. However, the NBA reassured groupies that they’re still free to engage in sex with the staffs of married players.

Health officials warned customers to avoid purchasing food items at Family Dollar after 1,000 rodents were found in a Family Dollar distribution center. Despite this, long lines of cats could be seen outside stores holding dollar bills.

A singing group sued NBC and a pairs figure skating team for illegally using their song during their performance at the Winter Olympics. The pair failed to medal after standing in place on their skates doing the Macarena.

A former Louisiana school teacher was found guilty of multiple sex crimes, including serving students cupcakes made with her husband’s semen. Multiple students were rushed to area hospitals because of their nut allergies.

Pepsi will no longer sponsor the Super Bowl halftime show, citing the $50 million dollar cost, and the possibility that the NFL will pick Imagine Dragons next year.

‘The Batman’ actor Paul Dano claimed he had difficulty sleeping at night because of his portrayal of the “terrifying” Riddler in the film. Meanwhile, actress Zoe Kravitz said she slept 16 hours a day playing Catwoman.

Queen Elizabeth has COVID, but says she’ll continue “light duties” at Windsor Castle. Which begs the question of what, exactly, are the “hard duties” of the Queen?

New Mexico is asking the National Guard to work as substitute teachers during a labor shortage caused by the pandemic. School nurses set up triage tents for students whose spitwads were returned with gunfire.

American bald eagles may once again be classified as endangered, since many tested positive for lead poisoning. The National Wildlife Service is telling bald eagle parents to stop building nests with old paint chips.

Winter Park, Colorado police shot and killed the bride’s uncle at her wedding reception, after he became drunk and fought with guests and responding officers. Investigators said the uncle’s intoxication was even more surprising because it was a cash bar.

Finnish cross-country skier Remi Lindholm suffered a frozen penis during his 60km event at the Winter Olympics. He placed 28th in the 60-man event, six inches ahead of the 29th-place finisher.

Boston Beer Company is teaming with Pepsi to make an alcoholic version of Mountain Dew – called Mountain Dew: Code Liver Failure.

Five New Jersey shore beaches were closed due to fecal bacteria levels. Local officials are asking parents to bathe diaper-clad infants and toddlers in the water to get levels back up to normal.

Colorado officials are saying not to trust Google Maps & Waze, after several travelers were stranded following those directions. They also say not to trust local bears offering to help when they see you’re lost.

New York Lieutenant Governor Kathy Hochul will become New York’s first woman Governor after Andrew Cuomo resigned. She led Cuomo’s “Enough Is Enough” campaign to battle sexual assault on college campuses, but did not support his “Enough May Not Be Enough” program in the state capital.

YouTube suspended Senator Rand Paul for sharing a video that falsely claims masks are ineffective in preventing the spread of COVID-19. Unfortunately this also means no one can view his many skateboard trick videos.

Tropical Storm Fred could hit Florida, and may rise to hurricane strength. Governor Ron Desantis has threatened to shut down businesses that temporarily close to stay safe.

A new study finds four seconds of high-intensity exercise, repeated two or three dozen times, benefit metabolism and muscles in people of varying ages. Although the study points out the four seconds need to be repeated in the same day, not year.

Northrop Grumman launches a new cargo ship to the International Space Station today. You can watch the launch online, then watch the arrival to guess which astronaut anxiously grabs the new shipment of toilet paper.

Jeopardy! will reportedly have two official hosts for the first time ever, with Executive Producer Mike Richards hosting daily games, and Mayim Bialik hosting specials and spinoffs. Aaron Rodgers will host his own special pouting about not being included in the decision.

A 13-year-old boy on an American Airlines flight was duct-taped to his seat for abusing his mother, and attempting to kick in a window. Other passengers were jealous because they taped him to a bulkhead aisle seat.

With CDC guidance allowing vaccinated grandparents to visit in-person with their asymptomatic grandchildren, there’s now a nationwide shortage of Werther’s Originals and other terrible candy.

Pepsi introduced Driftwell, a new carbonated seltzer to drink at bedtime so you can belch yourself to sleep.

A surge in coronavirus cases has shut down Italy once again. Health officials blame another new variant of COVID-19, the Sunday Gravy Variant.

Despite reports saying they’d broken up, Jennifer Lopez and Alex Rodriguez say they’re still a couple, but are ‘working through some things’ – specifically, coming to terms with who’s the bigger ass in the relationship.

Indiana University suspended Kappa Kappa Gamma sorority for making pledges play “Blow or Blow” – forcing a choice between giving a blow job or snorting cocaine. After the choice, the woman was told they didn’t have to do either. Complaints were filed by pledges excited about free cocaine.

A judge ruled Google must face a lawsuit that it tracks Chrome browser users even in ‘Incognito Mode’. If the tracking data is released, Pornhub is confident their unique views will increase by roughly one zillion percent.

The Vatican said it will not bless same-sex unions, calling homosexuality a ‘sin’ and a ‘choice’. “Well, I guess it’s off to Protestantism” said engaged priest/altar boy couples.

A large wildfire ripped through southern New Jersey and even jumped the New Jersey Turnpike as it spread. Firefighters sought to contain the blaze so it could be ticketed for failure to pay tolls and not using the fire lane.

Toys R Us has been sold to a new owner, who’s planning to open stores as soon as possible. Parents will be required to wear masks and small children will be required to wear muzzles.

A Chalfont, PA woman was arrested for altering images of girls on her daughter’s cheerleading squad to make them appear naked, smoking & drinking – in an effort to get them kicked off. It backfired and the cheer coach made them all captains at a party at his house.