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A woman was arrested at an airport in Colombia for attempting to smuggle 130 poisonous dart frogs in her luggage. Worse, each of the frogs had swallowed several tiny balloons filled with cocaine.

Researchers believe they’ve found a link between ALS and smoking. They’re considering changing it from Lou Gehrig’s Disease to Joe Camel Disease.

Economists predict Valentine’s Day spending to top $14 billion – no thanks to your cheap boyfriend and his grocery store bouquet.

Two men drifting in the ocean after their boat sank were rescued by a passing Carnival Cruise ship – but only after the men asked if there was another, nicer, cruise ship coming along anytim soon.

Legendary singer/dancer/actress Chita Rivera died. She’s survived by her lesser-known sister, PlaysByTheRules Rivera.

National Geographic listed their 2024 Top Travel Destinations, including West Virginia. In other news, National Geographic’s Senior Travel Editor entered rehab for treatment of addiction to methamphetamine.

A 60-year-old woman was arrested after attacking a Frontier Airlines flight attendant who kept her from using the lavatory while the plane descended for landing in Philadelphia. Either way, sh*t was gonna go down.

UPS is cutting over 12,000 jobs, mostly middle management and contractors, but not whoever’s emailing to tell you your package shipped when they’ve only printed a label.

The maker of popular Stanley travel mugs say they contain lead, but are still safe, and that drinking from them will make you feel fuller, faster.

Elmo the Muppet posted on X to ask how everyone’s feeling, and many responded that they’re not doing great and may need help. Elmo sympathized, saying it hasn’t been easy living with a guy’s hand up his ass for over forty years.

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Drew Barrymore said she lost 20 pounds for her role as a flesh-eating zombie in the Netflix series Santa Clarita Diet, because someone who only eats protein should look more lean. She’s now working on looking “embarrassed to be taking money” for an upcoming role in a Netflix Adam Sandler movie.

A Trump Organization helicopter carrying Ivanka Trump and Jared Kushner from Washington D.C. to New York returned to the airport mid-flight due to an engine failure. They scrambled to get a commercial flight, which they almost missed since Jared’s security risk is so bad he can’t qualify for TSA Pre.

New York magazine said that departed White House Communications Director Hope Hicks tried to leave her job twice before finally resigning last month. Her earlier attempts to leave were thwarted by Sarah Huckabee Sanders blocking the door.

Former Glee cast member Naya Rivera sang songs on Instagram to audition for the role of Maria in a revival of West Side Story. Producers, however, liked what they saw of Rivera’s battery arrest for beating up her husband last year, and cast her in a rumble between the Sharks and the Jets.

Massachusetts State Rep Michelle Dubois is asking to rename the ‘General Hooker Entrance’ at the statehouse – named for Civil War Union General Joseph Hooker -because it’s demeaning to women. Some male politicians support the move, as long as the General Hooker Entrance is replaced with an entrance for Specific Hookers. [h/t to J. Ost.]

A driver in California crashed his car through the front of a Taco Bell in Danville. The driver was fourth in line for medical treatment behind the three people who had just finished their Nacho Fries.

Walmart is partnering with gig-worker startup Handy to offer in-home setup of Walmart furniture – not to be confused with the Handy part-time Walmart employees are offering next to the merchandise pickup bay to help make ends meet.

IBM has created a computer smaller than a grain of salt – that it won’t dare sell to anyone over age 50.

Toys R Us stores – all of which will be closed or sold as the company liquidates – have started clearance sales, leading to some amazing deals, and the most epic fistfights between toddlers that you’re ever going to see.

President Trump tweeted to celebrate the firing of FBI Deputy Director Andrew McCabe, just two days before he was to collect his pension for decades of government service. Trump then donned a top hat and black cape to await the foreclosure of a dairy farm where the 30-year-old wife can’t make the payments because her husband is away fighting the war.

 

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Claire Smith will be inducted into the Baseball Hall of Fame, the first woman to receive the prestigious Spink Award for baseball writing. MLB Commissioner Rob Manfred congratulated her and said he can’t wait to see her bronze bust in the Hall.

Tobacco stocks dropped sharply as the FDA announced its goal of making tobacco products less addictive by reducing the nicotine in them. The Marlboro Man reacted to the news by announcing he’s switching to heroin.

President Trump traveled to Long Island to address the local and national impacts of ruthless street gang MS-13. Trump was briefed on gang culture en route with an inflight showing of West Side Story.

  • The President shut it off after the big “America” song & dance number, and switched to Property Brothers for the remainder of the trip.

Trump told the Long Island audience he would destroy MS-13, leading Chuck Schumer and Nancy Pelosi to inquire with the gang about being duked in.

MS-13 gang membership continues to grow, as global economies struggle, and as the gang continues to offer top-tier health care.

Attorney General Jeff Sessions was in El Salvador to talk with officials there about halting MS-13 migration and crime in the U.S. His efforts fells short, as several gang leaders traveled back to the U.S. with Sessions while disguised as male flight attendants.

Sessions addressed Trump’s mean tweets directed at him, calling him “weak” and “beleaguered”, saying they were “kind of hurtful”. This, on the same day White House Communications Director Anthony Scaramucci called Chief of Staff Reince Priebus “a paranoid schizophrenic” and said Senior Policy Advisor Steve Bannon “suck[s] his own [penis].” White House Press Secretary Sarah Sanders announced the opening of a Hallmark Store in the West Wing, where staffers could buy cards to make amends for the terrible things they’re saying to each other.

Senator John McCain cast the deciding vote just after 1a.m. to send the GOP “Skinny Repeal” Health Care Bill to a 51-49 defeat. Women’s activists too issue with the characterization of McCain as hero, since Senators Susan Collins and Lisa Murkowski opposed the bill and its introduction to the floor. Male senators moved in to mansplain why women shouldn’t feel so bad.

The Emoji Movie opened Friday to brutal reviews, receiving just one Fresh review and a 3% Fresh rating on RottenTomatoes. Voice actors include TJ Miller, Maya Rudolph, and Patrick Stewart as Poop. It’s the second time Stewart has voiced Poop, following his continued work on American Dad.

Baltimore Ravens offensive lineman John Urschel retired from the NFL at age 26 to pursue his Ph.D. at MIT. His teammates wished him well, but said they’ll continue to play and get their Ph.D. in CTE.

Apple officially killed off the iPod Nano and Shuffle – but tell that to your cheapskate parents, who think they’re still perfectly good.