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Police in Tennessee are warning residents not to flush drugs down the toilet, since the drugs flow to sewer treatment ponds populated by alligators & ducks, creating highly aggressive “methgators” – and “heroinducks” that nod off and drown.

  • Engineers are working to solve the problem by rerouting Tennessee’s flushed illegal drugs from local sewage treatment plants, to water parks in West Virginia to meet that state’s demand.

Amidst a record dry spell, France is restricting water use, frustrating French citizens who wanted to take their annual shower in July.

A Florida man who ran a red light and slammed into a car carrying teenagers confronted good samaritans with a taser when they attempted to help the teens. Asked why he used a taser, the man said he forgot his gun.

A massive fire at a Jim Beam distillery in Kentucky on July 2nd leached alcohol into the Ohio River, killing fish, and getting others so drunk they called for rides rather than swim home.

An elderly man flying from Bogota, Colombia to Barcelona, Spain was arrested for smuggling 500 grams of cocaine under his toupee. Customs officials grew suspicious watching several hot women ask to smell his hair.

The annual Running of the Bulls in Pamplona ended on Sunday with three men gored by a single bull. The bull expressed disappointment that he couldn’t gore one more runner to hit for the cycle.

Nestle is introducing a new KitKat bar without any added sugar. “Gimme a break! Break me off a piece of that KitKat bar and give it to someone else!”..says the catchy jingle.

This year’s Consumer Electronics Show – held every January in Las Vegas – will, for the first time, officially sanction the display of vibrators and sex toys. Before this year, to see sex toys and vibrators, attendees had to go anywhere else in Las Vegas.

Due to the current heat wave, City of Philadelphia public swimming pools will operate on a ‘Free Swim’ schedule — meaning planned activities will be cancelled so that everyone will be free to urinate in the pools.

Uber plans to introduce “flying taxis” in Los Angeles and Dallas by 2023.  Due to the company’s history of creepy drivers harassing women, female passengers will be encouraged to bring their own parachutes.

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Amazon will spend $700 million retraining a third of its workforce by 2025 – retraining them to work somewhere else when they’re replaced by a robot.

A Japanese hotel built a lifesize Boeing 737 flight simulator into one of its rooms. To operate it, you have to rent the hotel room, and then prove that you’re drunk.

Privacy advocates are concerned by reports that Google has humans listening to, and transcribing, questions asked to Google Assistant. For their part, the humans are bored typing “Hey Google, how late is Wendy’s open?” thousands of times.

Video captured off the South Carolina coast by the NOAA Ocean Exploration & Research team shows a large, bony, wreckfish swallowing a shark whole. The video continues with the wreckfish swimming to a Charleston Walgreen’s for antacid.

The group One Million Moms is calling for a boycott of Toy Story 4 over a scene where a lesbian couple is dropping off their child at school, saying it’s a subtle nod to LGBT normalcy. However, Woody & Buzz thought it was kinda hot.

The CDC declared West Virginia the Most Obese U.S. State, with 38% of residents considered obese, and the other 62% thinner, but mostly because of opioids.

A Tucson, Arizona driver was charged with DUI after his car crossed the median and slammed into a giant saguaro cactus, which went through the windshield. He refused a breathalyzer, so the cops just held it up to the many holes in his face.

Clay County, Missouri police tweeted that they’d apprehended a fugitive suspect wanted for drug possession when he loudly farted while hiding, giving up his location. The cops then assumed he was armed and fired 30 rounds at him.

Nicole Kidman posted on Instagram that she’d gotten a dog for the first time in her life. The dog described her as “pretty stuck-up”.

President Trump spoke about kidney health, saying “kidneys have a special place in the heart” – leading Americans to wonder how he survives without either.

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Illegal Mexican border crossings increased from 36k in February to over 50k in March, according to data from Ticketmaster affiliate Smugglemaster.

Adding to the inflow of illegals, in early March Carnival Cruise Lines christened its newest vessel, Enchantment Of The 40-Foot Cargo Trailer.

President Trump talked border security at a speech in West Virginia – well known as the #1 Dream Destination for immigrants as pictured on their ‘Become A Heroin Dealer’ Vision Boards.

Trump told the same crowd that “millions and millions” of people voted illegally in California. No additional details were given, but it’s believed he was referring to the Academy Motion Picture Arts & Sciences Lifetime Achievement Award for Harvey Weinstein.

A survey of large corporate IT departments finds that many are moving away from passwords and toward biometric data such as retinal scans and fingerprints, in an effort to minimize hacking. One drawback is that the IT Help Desks of these companies have a hard time helping employees that lose their fingers and eyeballs.

Police in Youngstown, Ohio have issued a warning about so-called “zombie raccoons” – raccoons they believe to be infected with distemper, that appear in the daylight as opposed to remaining nocturnal. The raccoons are dangerous, but may be leaving the area for Hollywood to pitch their ‘Zombie Raccoon’ tv show.

Defending champion Sergio Garcia stunned fans watching The Masters when he hit five consecutive balls in the water on the par-5 15th hole, taking a score of 13. Tournament officials did, however, allow him to hit every fan saying “hell, I coulda done that!” with his 5-iron.

The Philippines is closing the island of Borocay – known for its pristine blue water and white sand beaches – for six months, claiming the island has become a “cesspool” because of an influx of tourists and draining human sewage into the ocean water. The Philippines advised tourists who still want to swim in raw sewage that there’s always Mexico.

An analysis from researchers in Toronto finds that eating pasta can help you lose weight. Their study followed 2,500 people who were food poisoned at Olive Garden.

A tour bus crashed en route to The Masters in Augusta, Georgia, injuring over a dozen passengers. The driver was charged with DUI, in case you were wondering what John Daly is up to these days.