A jury found Donald Trump liable for the sexual assault & defamation of E. Jean Carroll, awarding Carroll $5 million in damages. They could not find Trump liable of rape. Trump reacted to the decision, calling it a “full & complete exoneration”.

In the wake of his sexual assault judgment, Trump will appear in a live CNN Town Hall meeting with registered Republican voters, who are expected to grill him with tough questions about his golf scores.

Mayim Bialik sitcom ‘Call Me Kat‘ was not renewed by Fox, who Call It Kancelled.

Congressman George Santos was arrested and charged with multiple felonies including wire fraud and money laundering. Santos said he’ll respond to the charges at a news conference with his attorney Johnnie Cochran.

Ousted Fox News host Tucker Carlson said he’ll relaunch his show on Twitter, once he convinces the My Pillow Guy to pay his $8/month for verification.

The Westminster Kennel Club awarded Best In Show honors to a petit basset griffon Vendeen named Buddy Holly. The dog then wisely refused to fly to the next dog show with runners up, chihuahua Ritchie Valens and Great Dane Big Bopper.

The NFL will broadcast its first-ever Black Friday game on the day after Thanksgiving, as the New York Jets host the Miami Dolphins. The first 10,000 fans will receive a free 75-inch HDTV, so the game can replicate the trampling experience of a Walmart.

A co-founder of artificial intelligence lab Deepmind says AI will create a ‘serious number of losers’ in the job market. Asked how many losers, he said “more than all the fast food workers combined.”

A Kansas man was pulled over and arrested for DUI while wearing a Bud Light can costume. He failed a field sobriety test when he couldn’t close his eyes and touch his pull tab.

Britney Spears is again causing concern, with rumors that she drinks caffeinated beverages ‘by the gallon’ and stays awake for days on end. She was captured ordering a triple espresso and telling the barista to ‘hit me baby, ten more times’.

Freeze dried mouse sperm stored for six years on the International Space Station was used to produce a healthy brood of 168 mouse pups. But the real story is how astronaut mice masturbated in a freezer on the International Space Station.

McDonald’s customers in South Korea & Taiwan had their personal data exposed, in a data breach the company is calling Big Hac.

A Cape Cod lobster diver survived being stuck in a humpback whale’s mouth for 20 seconds. He was spit out, but then returned with the lemons and melted butter the whale asked for.

An Arby’s employee was fired after writing a homophobic slur on couple’s receipt. The employee plans to appeal, saying he was just trying to say that Arby’s sandwiches are stuffed with beef.

A Pennsylvania woman was charged with DUI with seven children in her car. She told cops she’d been drinking, mostly because of the seven children in her car.

June 12th is Loving Day, commemorating the U.S.’ legalization of interracial marriage, and paving the way for the interracial couples we now see in dozens of breakfast cereal and laundry detergent ads.

A Boston commuter rail train will transform into the ‘Vax Express’, offering on-board COVID vaccines in underserved areas. Riders are asked to pay attention so they don’t confuse the ‘Vax Express’ with the ‘Heroin Local’.

Wasabi the Pekingese was named Best In Show at the Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show. Bourbon the Whippet was named runner-up, and will fulfill Best In Show duties if Wasabi cannot recover from all the blow he snorted to celebrate his big win.

An Italian woman awoke from a 10-month coma to discover she’d given birth. Her husband then told her it’s his turn for a 10-month coma.

Google announced its Workplace suite of chat, shared documents and spreadsheets are now free and available to for all 3 billion people with a Google account to ask “how does this work again?”