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A jury found Donald Trump liable for the sexual assault & defamation of E. Jean Carroll, awarding Carroll $5 million in damages. They could not find Trump liable of rape. Trump reacted to the decision, calling it a “full & complete exoneration”.

In the wake of his sexual assault judgment, Trump will appear in a live CNN Town Hall meeting with registered Republican voters, who are expected to grill him with tough questions about his golf scores.

Mayim Bialik sitcom ‘Call Me Kat‘ was not renewed by Fox, who Call It Kancelled.

Congressman George Santos was arrested and charged with multiple felonies including wire fraud and money laundering. Santos said he’ll respond to the charges at a news conference with his attorney Johnnie Cochran.

Ousted Fox News host Tucker Carlson said he’ll relaunch his show on Twitter, once he convinces the My Pillow Guy to pay his $8/month for verification.

The Westminster Kennel Club awarded Best In Show honors to a petit basset griffon Vendeen named Buddy Holly. The dog then wisely refused to fly to the next dog show with runners up, chihuahua Ritchie Valens and Great Dane Big Bopper.

The NFL will broadcast its first-ever Black Friday game on the day after Thanksgiving, as the New York Jets host the Miami Dolphins. The first 10,000 fans will receive a free 75-inch HDTV, so the game can replicate the trampling experience of a Walmart.

A co-founder of artificial intelligence lab Deepmind says AI will create a ‘serious number of losers’ in the job market. Asked how many losers, he said “more than all the fast food workers combined.”

A Kansas man was pulled over and arrested for DUI while wearing a Bud Light can costume. He failed a field sobriety test when he couldn’t close his eyes and touch his pull tab.

Britney Spears is again causing concern, with rumors that she drinks caffeinated beverages ‘by the gallon’ and stays awake for days on end. She was captured ordering a triple espresso and telling the barista to ‘hit me baby, ten more times’.

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Fans were forced to wait four hours huddled in covered areas for the start of Taylor Swift’s Nashville concert Sunday due to lightning & rain, leading to some experiencing blackouts, panic attacks and vomiting. Some moms were unable to get tickets for their daughters, leading to blackouts, panic attacks & vomiting.

A jury began deliberations in the rape trial of Donald Trump, following the judge’s instructions to at least sit down and warm the chairs before returning with their guilty verdict.

The owners of a sandwich shop successfully sued the city of Phoenix to have a large homeless encampment removed, saying they routinely find drug paraphernalia and excrement in front, giving potential customers two more reasons not to eat at Subway.

A Philadelphia restaurant has an entire menu composed of soft pretzels, and an entire dessert menu composed of antacid and laxatives.

Investigators believe a meteorite crashed through the roof of a home in Hopewell Township, New Jersey. Attempts to contact Superman to intercept the meteorite were unsuccessful, since even he doesn’t like visiting North Jersey.

Forte, the favorite to win the Kentucky Derby, was scratched and did not race. Forte entered a rehab facility and requests privacy during this difficult time.

A mother of three who wrote a children’s book about dealing with grief from the loss of a loved one was charged with her husband’s murder. She’s writing a follow-up book where children’s grief turns to anger.

Five Chicago gay bars are boycotting Anheuser-Busch products as the brewer distances itself from a promo partnership with a transgender influencer. An Anheuser=Busch spokesman said losing gays won’t hurt nearly as bad as losing all of the rednecks.

Usher and Chris Brown reportedly got in a fistfight in the parking lot at Brown’s birthday party, in case you were wondering what Usher has in common with Rihanna.

Two violent felons who escaped a Philadelphia prison were marked ‘Present’ by guards at three separate counts after they’d fled. The guards defended their reporting, saying they reported the two present at a nearby Hooters.